Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An acquaintance of mine just found out her mother has leukemia. Her mother is only 61 and she is really crushed. We are not that close, but we both volunteer on a Board of Directors and mutually respect each other. She was so upset that she wrote the whole board asking for advice. I offered to take the test to see if I am a match for a marrow transfusion. Another person offered to help her with childcare. She took both of us up on our offers, so it is clear the need is there. Everyone else was like "praying for you". Really? How about actually doing something?

Op,

You are assuming that everyone on that list is also not going through difficult times. Perhaps they have kids with mental issues, Dads or Moms with dementia or cancer or going through divorce or anything really that prevents them from doing more.

Why do you assume that it is lack of interest and not that they are human too and your friend is not the only person going through bad times?

Let's not assume the worst of people, ok? Maybe those other people are just more private and prefer not to seek help from others.

OK Maybe they can't "Do" something because of their own circumstances, but that doesn't make it more acceptable to say something meaningless.

Anonymous wrote:An acquaintance of mine just found out her mother has leukemia. Her mother is only 61 and she is really crushed. We are not that close, but we both volunteer on a Board of Directors and mutually respect each other. She was so upset that she wrote the whole board asking for advice. I offered to take the test to see if I am a match for a marrow transfusion. Another person offered to help her with childcare. She took both of us up on our offers, so it is clear the need is there. Everyone else was like "praying for you". Really? How about actually doing something?

Op,

You are assuming that everyone on that list is also not going through difficult times. Perhaps they have kids with mental issues, Dads or Moms with dementia or cancer or going through divorce or anything really that prevents them from doing more.

Why do you assume that it is lack of interest and not that they are human too and your friend is not the only person going through bad times?

Let's not assume the worst of people, ok? Maybe those other people are just more private and prefer not to seek help from others.

I feel that "praying for you" is just an expression. Most people do not pray after saying that.

I would take the offer to "Praying for me" as as DOing something if they were actually praying. My dad and mom pray for us and it really works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who believe in God, believe that everything comes from God, including the bad stuff.

If more people believed this it would be more consistent, but too many people take the "all good things come from God, but not the bad stuff" approach to belief. A storm collapses a building and God gets credit for the miracle that some of the buried people survived, and they even thank God for saving them as if God bore no responsibility for sending the storm and dropping the building on them in the first place, or all the people who died and were injured.

Same with the banal platitudes of "it's all part of God's plan," and "God wouldn't give you a burden He didn't know you could carry."

You want to give God the credit for good things, the omnipotent, omniscient God should get credit for the bad things.

+1

The honest thing to do would be to admit that there is no free will and that God is omniscient, but people need to believe what they want to believe to stay sane.

Thank you both for posting this. My family had a truly horrific medical event that will change all of our lives forever and when people mention God's plan or give God credit for the small positives in the ocean of negatives I always want to ask why they give God credit for positives but never the negatives? But I ultimately know people are trying to be supportive, so I just thank them.

I hope some of them, or people like them, are reading this, because it would be good if they knew how it came across and just didn't do it anymore. Certainly they can find another way of comforting people that doesn't encourage the people in need of comfort to question God's motives instead of feeling comforted. It's like you're comforting them instead of them comforting you - when you're really the one who needs it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who believe in God, believe that everything comes from God, including the bad stuff.

If more people believed this it would be more consistent, but too many people take the "all good things come from God, but not the bad stuff" approach to belief. A storm collapses a building and God gets credit for the miracle that some of the buried people survived, and they even thank God for saving them as if God bore no responsibility for sending the storm and dropping the building on them in the first place, or all the people who died and were injured.

Same with the banal platitudes of "it's all part of God's plan," and "God wouldn't give you a burden He didn't know you could carry."

You want to give God the credit for good things, the omnipotent, omniscient God should get credit for the bad things.

+1

The honest thing to do would be to admit that there is no free will and that God is omniscient, but people need to believe what they want to believe to stay sane.

Thank you both for posting this. My family had a truly horrific medical event that will change all of our lives forever and when people mention God's plan or give God credit for the small positives in the ocean of negatives I always want to ask why they give God credit for positives but never the negatives? But I ultimately know people are trying to be supportive, so I just thank them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who believe in God, believe that everything comes from God, including the bad stuff.

If more people believed this it would be more consistent, but too many people take the "all good things come from God, but not the bad stuff" approach to belief. A storm collapses a building and God gets credit for the miracle that some of the buried people survived, and they even thank God for saving them as if God bore no responsibility for sending the storm and dropping the building on them in the first place, or all the people who died and were injured.

Same with the banal platitudes of "it's all part of God's plan," and "God wouldn't give you a burden He didn't know you could carry."

You want to give God the credit for good things, the omnipotent, omniscient God should get credit for the bad things.

+1

The honest thing to do would be to admit that there is no free will and that God is omniscient, but people need to believe what they want to believe to stay sane.

Why don't you organize the people on the board to put together a meal train or something. They probably don't know what's needed, but might be willing to do something if asked! Or even chip in a few bucks for a gift card to a takeout place or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very judgmental. Offering to pray for someone absolutely IS doing something. Often when I pray for someone, the very act of spending time thinking about them leads me to action. When we quiet our minds in prayer and meditation, answers to problems are often revealed. Prayer/meditation can bring clarity and show us the best ways to help.

Be careful with that better-than-everyone attitude. It makes me question your real motives for helping.

+1. So well said.

Another +1. And as others have said, you have no idea a.) what others are doing/offering to do that isn't visible on social media; and b.) what's going on in other people's lives that they may not be able to help.

For all you know, someone did bring a meal, offer to babysit her child, and signed up on the bone marrow registry, they just didn't make any of that public information. And it may have been someone who didn't reply at all or who said "you're in my prayers" or "sending good thoughts". You just don't know. Assume good intent and worry about you instead.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very judgmental. Offering to pray for someone absolutely IS doing something. Often when I pray for someone, the very act of spending time thinking about them leads me to action. When we quiet our minds in prayer and meditation, answers to problems are often revealed. Prayer/meditation can bring clarity and show us the best ways to help.

Be careful with that better-than-everyone attitude. It makes me question your real motives for helping.

+1. So well said.

OP, you sound very judgmental. Offering to pray for someone absolutely IS doing something. Often when I pray for someone, the very act of spending time thinking about them leads me to action. When we quiet our minds in prayer and meditation, answers to problems are often revealed. Prayer/meditation can bring clarity and show us the best ways to help.

Be careful with that better-than-everyone attitude. It makes me question your real motives for helping.

Anonymous wrote:Because not everybody wants somebody to do something. Assuming they want food or visitors is presumptuous.

Somebody should create a caring bridge and actually communicate her wants.

We did a Sign Up genius for a single mom friend who had a major medical crisis. Others farther away sent Visa gift cards to help cover bills. For weeks, she didn't have to worry about meals, laundry, lawn care, childcare during medical appointments, etc. Almost a year later, she confided that she felt loved, but lonely. Everyone was rushing around doing for her, but no one was being with her. She wanted pastoral care. The nondenominational church she belonged to was entirely volunteers with FT jobs and families and they did casseroles and a blood drive, but again not much extended prayer with her in her home ironically. She actually ended up joining an online prayer and bible study group just to get the spiritual comfort she was seeking.

Because not everybody wants somebody to do something. Assuming they want food or visitors is presumptuous.

Somebody should create a caring bridge and actually communicate her wants.

I'm going to pray either way.

If I can help, I offer to. If that's taken, I help. And still pray. If it's declined, I pray.

If I can't help other than prayers, I don't offer. But I still pray.

No one except my DH, my BF of 26 years, and my parents know my whole story. Sometimes I'm barely able to physically function myself, or I'm dealing with a crisis my ex has created. I might not offer to clean your house or cook you a meal because I actually need help myself, but I don't want to burden you with my worries or see my business spread across SM. I also know from first hand experience how the quality of work volunteers do can be a crap shoot. I've returned from a hospital stay to a reorganized kitchen where I couldn't find anything, over dried laundry with permawrinkles, and cat pee in every room because the volunteer kept closing bedroom doors for fire safety.

Anonymous wrote:People who believe in God, believe that everything comes from God, including the bad stuff.

If more people believed this it would be more consistent, but too many people take the "all good things come from God, but not the bad stuff" approach to belief. A storm collapses a building and God gets credit for the miracle that some of the buried people survived, and they even thank God for saving them as if God bore no responsibility for sending the storm and dropping the building on them in the first place, or all the people who died and were injured.

Same with the banal platitudes of "it's all part of God's plan," and "God wouldn't give you a burden He didn't know you could carry."

You want to give God the credit for good things, the omnipotent, omniscient God should get credit for the bad things.

People who believe in God, believe that everything comes from God, including the bad stuff. They also believe that God has the power to change that,and that their prayers and actions actually do make a difference. That is why they will ask for others' prayers, and for others to do acts of kindness on their behalf.
In addition, it is very helpful when others also offer other kinds of help, according to their ability and willingness.
A lot of people are already on the bone marrow registry.
Some of us busy moms don't have time to do other things, but we can offer our thoughts and prayers.
Even for people who don't believe in God, knowing that they are not alone, and that others care and are thinking about them helps.
And so do home cooked meals and laundry and childcare.