My dad is a narcissist and my mom borderline. Dad raged and threatened violence often but never delivered. Mom was overly enmeshed in my life, threatened suicide if I didn't allow her full access to pretty much every aspect of my life. Told me horrifying stories of her own childhood trauma (sexual abuse from her mother, locked in the basement for days) beginning when I was 10.

My mom died 14 years ago. My dad married another borderline person, one who actually did threaten my family on several occasions. We live on opposite coasts and I haven't seen him for 9 years. Some years he sends the kids extravagant Christmas gifts (and sometimes sends only 2 out of my 3 kids gifts, that's always fun to explain). Other than that, no contact.

Tried therapy a few times and then a friend told me about EMDR therapy. I went for a year and it literally changed my life. All the shame and distress I carried my whole life is gone. Before EMDR, I couldn't tell anyone about, for example, my mom threatening suicide because I truly believed that was my fault ... that an 8yo could cause someone to kill themselves.

Agree that if you aren't from an abusive childhood you really can't comment on this thread.

Anonymous wrote:Interested to know what kind of relationship you have with your parents now and the relationship you have with your own kids.

I was abused by my mother from when I was about 7 until my early 30s. Obviously it was much worse when I was a child because I had no escape. When it happened as an adult it was always on visits/on the phone and subtle.

Cut her off 3 years ago and never looked back.

Another sibling also doesn't talk to her for related but different reasons.
Other sibling still close with her even though she fully admits she felt the abuse too.

My kids are young but I am constantly watching what I say because I constantly fear that some of my mother is innately inside me and Im terrified to hurt my kids like that. And yes, I'm in therapy.

I wish more people could realize how badly words and actions can hurt.

Yes, my father. Cut him off 15 years ago and don't think twice about it. I wish I had a more functional and kind father but I've had years to mourn that. Now I am just numb about it. I don't wish him ill. I just wish him away from me and my family.

Mom is also dysfunctional and treats me in ways that I would not as "abusive" but unkind. But, part of that is attributed to a long marriage to my father, who also abused her. She's clueless at times how her actions affect others. There are some very hard boundaries with her but we still communicate a little. Not a lot.

I wonder what different pps consider emotional and physical abuse?

Anonymous wrote:Boy, this thread backs up the previous one about millennial selfishness. Did any of you read "The Glass Castle"? Even she found a way to maintain a relationship. ALL families are dysfunctional and a lot of you are going to have very lonely lives when your own kids follow your examples.

I'm not a millennial, and I am significantly happier without abusive people in my life. I maintain a distant and superficial relationship who neglected me instead of outright abusing me, and that's more than adequate. I also don't verbally abuse my children and treat them like human being, though, if they decide that's not enough, they'll have to take it up with their own therapist. I can't pin my happiness to what the might do in the future any more than my mother should pin her happiness to us kids.

All families are NOT dysfunctional. You seem to be conflating the conventional and hyperbolic use of "dysfunctional" to talk about quirks or spats or normal growing pains and actual dysfunction, which involves verbal, emotional, and physical abuse/neglect. It's possible to have a happy life surrounded by people you choose to make your family rather than people related to you by DNA only. It is not necessary to have blood relatives to have a full and happy life. (That's a benefit not only to those of who who come from actual dysfunctional families but also people like my only-child friend who literally has no blood relatives save her aging parents.)

Anonymous wrote:I was emotionally and physically abused. I now have a normal relationship with my parents.

I had an epiphany of sorts one day and it changed everything and allowed me to put it all behind me.

This happened with me as well with my mother. She never acknowledged the abuse and I really struggled with it. But one day I realized, she's mentally incapable of it so I have to let it go myself. We text daily now, she lives states away. I don't ask her for any help in any areas of my life and it works out fine. I have accepted that she has the mental and emotional state of an 18 year old female. I get annoyed with her coming to visit and having to pick up after her like she is one of my kids, but life is too short to be angry all the time.

Overall I tend to feel sympathy for her. She is uneducated, ignorant, selfish and feels entitled but I have done a decent job at establishing boundaries.

Good luck.

Both. Norm for the time and the country. I was as close to a "perfect" child as you can get. I maintain a loving relationship in appearances. I am trying to let go of everything that happened, but it hurts me and I have emotional scars from it. My parents are getting older and live in Europe and the way they raised us was pretty much the norm for that time and place. They now claim that none of that happened, if subject comes up. I am accepting that they did their best, and that nobody is perfect. Sometimes, inside, I am still an emotional mess.

Anonymous wrote:Boy, this thread backs up the previous one about millennial selfishness. Did any of you read "The Glass Castle"? Even she found a way to maintain a relationship. ALL families are dysfunctional and a lot of you are going to have very lonely lives when your own kids follow your examples.

This is coming from someone who wasn't abused I am sure. My mother in law, who created a happy and safe family, always jokes that they are a "dysfunctional family." People think it's a cute endearing term for a family with quirky family members or with small issues that families have worked through. The thing is though, I come from an ACTUAL dysfunctional family. It was scary and hard and nothing about it was funny. Those of us who were abused don't set boundaries or eventually cut off family members lightly. It is heartwrenching for me every day to know that my mom wants me to be close to her and have that best friend relationship some mothers and daughters have, and feels that I'm a disappointment for not giving it to her. The problem is, I have tried SO hard to be the perfect daughter, but every time I get close to her she lashes out cruelly and sometimes dangerously. I have spent my whole life feeling bad for her (and I still do. It is so sad to feel that a good person is in there somewhere, but that she is her own worst enemy) but at 35 it is time to also take care of myself.

If you think that is selfish it is because you are extremely blessed to have had a safe childhood.

Anonymous wrote:Boy, this thread backs up the previous one about millennial selfishness. Did any of you read "The Glass Castle"? Even she found a way to maintain a relationship. ALL families are dysfunctional and a lot of you are going to have very lonely lives when your own kids follow your examples.

All people deserve to be physically and emotionally safe and to be treated well. If someone is abusive, they have no right to be in the life of the person they're mistreating nor does the abused person have an obligation to keep a relationship. Having few people in your social circle is better than having harmful people in your life. It's far healthier and shows more self-respect. If I mistreated my kids (which I wouldn't intentionally), or if they felt mistreated despite my good faith efforts while raising them, I would deserve to be cut off and I would want them to do so for their own good. - NP

Boy, this thread backs up the previous one about millennial selfishness. Did any of you read "The Glass Castle"? Even she found a way to maintain a relationship. ALL families are dysfunctional and a lot of you are going to have very lonely lives when your own kids follow your examples.

NP here. Just posted about spouse getting help (and then I saw this, so I thought it would be pertinent). What about when the abusive parent dies? Does it get easier for the abused child (now an adult)? Spouse has a lot of issues, morphing into old roles, and becoming a victim again, when he is around his family. It happens every time he sees them, especially for extended periods, and it is quite difficult - almost as if he needs a deprogramming/debriefing/debrainwashing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both parents were emotionally abusive. Father crossed lines into sexual misconduct. I have limited contact with them where everyone just pretends we are the Brady Bunch for the sake of DD. I can't quite seem to cut off contact because DD loves them.

Your father was sexually abusive and you let him be around your daughter. hmmm?

+2

I've been totally cut off. Y my father and his family because I chose to confront him about his sexual abuse after I had a daughter. Am four gaziilion times happier and safer than if I "got along to go along." You are placing your daughter at an enormous risk.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of therapeutic work, lots of reading and thinking about healthy parenting and relationships etc for me.

I keep things entirely superficial with my mom. We are cordial and can get along and chat like acquaintances, but don't see each other or talk often. To give her any real information or to open yourself to her is to give her ammunition to try to control and hurt you. So I place a boundary that never comes down. Learned that the hard way over many years.

Accept that you can't fix people. Grieve over the parent you never had and never will have, and become your own loving parent. And then pass that good parenting along to your kids.

I am hyper-aware and mindful with my kids. Sometimes, having bad parenting teaches you how to be a better parent.

Are you me?

+1

I recently made the mistake of opening up a bit more to my mom, and am having to reel it all the way back in. She's dangerous. I'm not cutting her off completely but communication must stay highly controlled and limited.

Anonymous wrote:Both parents were emotionally abusive. Father crossed lines into sexual misconduct. I have limited contact with them where everyone just pretends we are the Brady Bunch for the sake of DD. I can't quite seem to cut off contact because DD loves them.

Your father was sexually abusive and you let him be around your daughter. hmmm?

Both parents were emotionally abusive. Father crossed lines into sexual misconduct. I have limited contact with them where everyone just pretends we are the Brady Bunch for the sake of DD. I can't quite seem to cut off contact because DD loves them.

Op here. I used to feel guilty. Until I started talking to my therapist about very specific past events and realized that my mother actually did things to put me in pretty significant danger as a teenager/college student and young adult. After I looked at those events from an adult perspective I lost all guilt. The ways in which she tried to hurt me were intense and purposeful and they worked. She tried constantly to have a relationship and will go trough my sibling who still talks to her to try and get to me. It never works. As another pp stated, in so desensitized to her at this point that I don't even feel anything anymore.