Al-Anon is a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics. It is a safe, supporting and non-religious support group. Try a few different meetings. You are not alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I researched some Al-Anon meetings and sent DH some options and told him we will pick one tonight to go to.

I think DH is finally getting frustrated with his dad and brother. His dad asked him this morning if he could go stay with BIL for a couple weeks to make sure he doesn't drink. DH lost it and said absolutely not, that he has his own life and isn't a babysitter. He told FIL he is done managing this on his own so they need to get up here and help.

I think the reason DH stays with bIl at the hospital is that BIL whines and cries about how he doesn't want to be alone and then threatens to check himself out. He is effectively the babysitter, and his parents push him to do it.

Tthe whole family needs therapy but that's another story.

I am very glad that he finally put his foot down! Encourage him to continue in this vein.

Wow, these are two great strides in the right direction -- Al-Anon and the DH/FIL discussion! It is a hard path but you're helping your husband take the first step. It won't be easy so make sure you set up your own support (venting) system and that you practice good self-care so that you can continue to help your husband make these tough choices. Best wishes for you all!

Both you and DH should read a good book about codependency.

And also keep in mind that while BIL is the the one with the addiction, he's not the only problem. It sounds like DH would be way better able to handle this (or walk away, since it sounds like that's the best thing to do in this situation) without all the guilt trips and expectations and what is essentially a form of abuse coming from his parents. It's probably going to be easier to cut yourselves off from all of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't DH's parents involved? Having it all fall on your husband is ridiculous and really crappy of them.

OP here. This is exactly my issue. His parents are doing nothing and have put the entire burden on DH. His parents are retired and in good health. They are currently at their vacation home with friends and told DH that he can handle this just as well as they could, so there is probably no point in them coming down. Seriously WTF.

They don't want to deal with it. DH needs to reach that point, too. Tough love, rock bottom and all that.

Anonymous wrote:5 times in 2 years is a lot. I have a BIL who is also a recovering alcoholic. My DH only had to rescue him once, including a stay at the hospital. Can't imagine 5 times!

I would lovingly tell your husband that he is being an enabler and if something does not change, one day his brother is not going to make it to the hospital.

He needs to tell the brother that his assistance comes with a price of admitting he has a problem and getting in treatment. If treatment is too expensive (although some do take insurance as a pp mentioned) insist on daily AA meetings. Maybe your DH can go with him if that's advisable. I don't know.

I am sorry OP this is really a tough situation.

I agree completely. Maybe DH's parents know this and don't want to enable BIL any longer. How many times is DH going to sit by his side through this? And he claims there is no problem? This is enabling.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I researched some Al-Anon meetings and sent DH some options and told him we will pick one tonight to go to.

I think DH is finally getting frustrated with his dad and brother. His dad asked him this morning if he could go stay with BIL for a couple weeks to make sure he doesn't drink. DH lost it and said absolutely not, that he has his own life and isn't a babysitter. He told FIL he is done managing this on his own so they need to get up here and help.

I think the reason DH stays with bIl at the hospital is that BIL whines and cries about how he doesn't want to be alone and then threatens to check himself out. He is effectively the babysitter, and his parents push him to do it.

Tthe whole family needs therapy but that's another story.

I am very glad that he finally put his foot down! Encourage him to continue in this vein.

Thanks everyone. I researched some Al-Anon meetings and sent DH some options and told him we will pick one tonight to go to.

I think DH is finally getting frustrated with his dad and brother. His dad asked him this morning if he could go stay with BIL for a couple weeks to make sure he doesn't drink. DH lost it and said absolutely not, that he has his own life and isn't a babysitter. He told FIL he is done managing this on his own so they need to get up here and help.

I think the reason DH stays with bIl at the hospital is that BIL whines and cries about how he doesn't want to be alone and then threatens to check himself out. He is effectively the babysitter, and his parents push him to do it.

Tthe whole family needs therapy but that's another story.

Why can't your husband step back just a little?
Beyond calling 911 for his brother, why would he need to go to the hospital? If he's afraid of his brother dying, the only response is to call 911.

There's saving his life, and there's making his life comfortable. The former is necessary, but the latter is not.

See what I mean?

This is such a tough situation, OP. I have had numerous family members who have dealt with various addictions; I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. That said, it's not your DH's responsibility to make his brother seek treatment. If a person with an addiction wants to get sober, they will. Unfortunately, no one (your DH, his parents, etc.) can "make" him get sober, even if they hold his hand through detox five times. Until your BIL makes the conscious, intentional choice to get sober, you and DH need to protect yourselves and your children from BIL's damaging behavior. Seek support through Al-Anon, individual counseling, and reexamine your relationships with DH's family. Right now, despite his good intentions, your DH is playing the role of an enabler. This will not help BIL in the long run. It is MUCH easier said than done (coming from personal experience) to cut a person in active addiction out of your life until they reach sobriety, but there comes a point when it's necessary. This might be a conversation you and DH need to have soon.

Al Anon will be the answer for all of you. Your husband is (unwittingly) helping your BIL continue this cycle. He needs to step away and recognize that he has done all he can and there are some people who are on a path to self-destruction that cannot receive help. Your BIL has to want the help in order to accept it, he's making it crystal clear to all of you that he doesn't want it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't DH's parents involved? Having it all fall on your husband is ridiculous and really crappy of them.

OP here. This is exactly my issue. His parents are doing nothing and have put the entire burden on DH. His parents are retired and in good health. They are currently at their vacation home with friends and told DH that he can handle this just as well as they could, so there is probably no point in them coming down. Seriously WTF.

DH may need to separate too--they may have realized that they can't control BIL's alcoholism or save him. It may well be a calculated choice. Stop being angry that they aren't doing what your DH is--and consider how you and DH can adjust your own behavior here.

This is a good point re: DH's parents. Thank you for the insight.

I posted earlier, having been through a similar situation . Perhaps his parents just can't say that they've given up at loud. But their actions support that. It's given me something to think about, at least!

Good luck OP - this is a difficult situation I wouldn't wish on anyone.

5 times in 2 years is a lot. I have a BIL who is also a recovering alcoholic. My DH only had to rescue him once, including a stay at the hospital. Can't imagine 5 times!

I would lovingly tell your husband that he is being an enabler and if something does not change, one day his brother is not going to make it to the hospital.

He needs to tell the brother that his assistance comes with a price of admitting he has a problem and getting in treatment. If treatment is too expensive (although some do take insurance as a pp mentioned) insist on daily AA meetings. Maybe your DH can go with him if that's advisable. I don't know.

I am sorry OP this is really a tough situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't DH's parents involved? Having it all fall on your husband is ridiculous and really crappy of them.

OP here. This is exactly my issue. His parents are doing nothing and have put the entire burden on DH. His parents are retired and in good health. They are currently at their vacation home with friends and told DH that he can handle this just as well as they could, so there is probably no point in them coming down. Seriously WTF.

DH may need to separate too--they may have realized that they can't control BIL's alcoholism or save him. It may well be a calculated choice. Stop being angry that they aren't doing what your DH is--and consider how you and DH can adjust your own behavior here.

At the very least, DH could stop staying day in and day out at the hospital during the detox. Call 911, get him to the hospital, then get back to life. Don't let your lives self-destruct along with BIL's.

DH needs some therapy, stat, with someone who understands alcoholics. You too probably.

BIL may or may not be able to be saved here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband (and you, maybe) need to look at the Al-Anon program or AA for family members. It can be very helpful for managing your own emotions and to help you realize that you can do nothing to help your BIL until he decides to do it himself. Right now self-care for you and your husband is very important.

You mention your husband's work. As hard as it may be, your husband may need to decide that his work (which helps sustain his wife and family) is more important than helping his brother who is self-destructing. Programs for family members may help your brother come to terms with what he has the power to do and what only his brother has the power to do.

Thanks, I will suggest this to DH. Sounds like it could help. I have suggested that he find someone to talk to to help deal with this but he claims he doesn't have the time.

BIL refuses treatment on any kind. As a PP above mentioned, he just gets sober in the hospital, tells the psych person he will see a therapist and then gets discharged. Hen we wait until it happens again.

The wonderful thing about AA and Al-Anon program is that there are meetings literally all the time. Even going to an AA meeting as the brother of an alcoholic can be helpful if your husband cannot make time for regularly scheduled appointments with a therapist. His role as an enabler really isn't helping his brother as hard as it may be for him to realize.

Al Anon will help your husband if he chooses to go and receive the help. It will also help you.

Al-Anon, not AA, is the appropriate place for relatives of alcoholics to get help (someone above mentioned your DH. Going to an AA meeting but it's Al-Anon he, and you and the in-laws, need). Please give it a try, especially DH. As PP notes, there are meetings at all times of day and evenings. Al-anon will let DH see how others in his situation have handled it--mistakes they've made and positive steps they've found as well. No one can guide him like those who have been in his shoes. Please go online yourself today and find a list of meetings to show your husband the options. Go with him yourself. BIL's disease is also crushing your DH and their parents aren't helping....You have to be the one to prioritize DH's mental health because his parents aren't, he isn't, and BIL can't. Please update us when you can.

This is great advice! Please go yourself if you can't get DH to go. He needs to stop enabling and focus on his wife and children, and himself. He can't save your BIL, but he can ruin his other relationships and his sanity by trying!

I would be furious at Dha parents. Sad to say it is not surprising- my dh's parents were the same and while bil was dying of his illness, they put all the responsibilitiy for visiting and caregiving on DH. They are awful, awful people.