Anonymous
Post 07/19/2017 13:05     Subject: Re:Guilt. Is it me?
Oh, one more thing, I also feel proud that I work. I love my job. My DS (24 months) now understands that "mama work" and "dada work too" and "I [DS] go school."
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2017 13:03     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DD is 19 months old and I work 38.5 hours a week, four days a week. Every Friday, it is just DD and me - and I devoted the full day to her (ie not on the phone or dealing with work at all). Every weekend, it is DD, DH and me and we always have fun stuff planned for her. Monday thru Thursday, DD is with an amazing and EXPENSIVE nanny who was a former preschool teacher and has a MA in Childhood Development. Aside from the fact that nanny fills DD's days with classes, story times, reading, play-dates and excursions, Nanny loves her and DD loves her nanny. DD runs to the nanny on Monday morning and never cries when I leave for work. DD is exceeding all milestones and is speaking in full sentences. She also loves to read (thanks to the nanny who has read to her and narrated for her since birth). I love my daughter and read every book I can find on child development and use what I agree with. I really try to be a good mother.

And yet, I feel guilty. It has never been part of my personality to feel a lot of guilt about my relationships or my decisions. But one comment from another mother about "I could never leave my baby" or "I gave up my career to stay home" devastates me. Intellectually I know that DD is better with the nanny four days a week because of the nanny's experience and structure and I know that 38.5 hours a week is not a lot of time to be away from DD but emotionally... I just feel guilty.

Is it society or is it me?


I have been a working mother for 8 years and not one person has ever said anything like this to me. Is this common for others?

Maybe it's a peer group thing. My friends are a well-educated, high achieving group and with a few exceptions, we all work. If there is any judgment, frankly it probably goes the other way toward SAHMs.

But to answer your question, I don't think it's society because I have never been made to feel guilty for one second that I have a career. And I don't feel guilty.


My mom, who was a SAHM in the midwest, says this to me, but I've never heard this from other moms my age, even ones that SAHM understand that working can be a positive.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2017 13:02     Subject: Re:Guilt. Is it me?
Anonymous wrote:You also need to cultivate some interests outside of your child. Planning every moment around her isn't healthy for you, her, or your family. The mothers I knew that felt the most "guilt" were the ones that didn't have anything else of importance to them other than their children, since they weren't happy they felt it was guilt.


This is good advice. Take some time after work and baby goes to bed to meet friends, do a book club, do a yoga class.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2017 12:47     Subject: Re:Guilt. Is it me?
When I have working parent guilt, I think about my mom who never had a career until my parents split when I was a preteen, and all of a sudden she had to support two kids on her own. It was a rough road that took a toll on the kids as much as her. WOH is tough, but I will never be in a position where I am financially unable to support myself and my child if my husband is disabled or killed or runs away to Mexico with an intern or goes nuts and hits me one day. This might not resonate with you, but it helps me on the tough days.
Mamabear15
Post 07/18/2017 13:45     Subject: Re:Guilt. Is it me?
A mother’s love is the most important thing you can give your child and it looks like you are doing that wonderfully. Providing your daughter with education, food, a house, and wonderful company is one of the best things a mother could do. It really sounds like your daughter has a wonderful life and you have helped provide her with the essentials of her growing years, as well as your own love. Keep loving her and she will grow up just fine.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 16:11     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
When people "give up their career," they are usually at the extreme ends of the income scale. Not always, but usually. They either don't make enough to cover daycare payment(s), or their husband/family makes so much money that working was never a necessity.

Neither of those applies to me, so I don't see their situations as relevant to my needs. My husband works hard and is good at his job, but he can't support four people (me and three kids) in MoCo on $65k a year. No matter how many coupons I cut.

It's helpful to me to realize that my working isn't really a "choice," because paying bills and affording food isn't a "choice." It is what it is, so I make the best of it.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 14:55     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
I am working outside of the home fulltime - with two kids - and no one has said anything remotely like that to me (at least not to my face) and if they did, I would laugh.

I spend a lot of quality time with my kids - before and after school (and daycare) and on the weekends and they are doing great. I also have a lot of flexibility at work, I work from home once a week, pick up early, can take time off for sick days and school events. And I have a well paying and secure job. I feel fortunate.

Do I never feel guilty? Of course I do. Occasionally. If the kids don't feel like going on Mondays for example. But those are few and far between and normal I think. Because overall, I don't feel any guilt.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 14:35     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
I feel bad about leaving my child to go to work too. I think a lot of moms do. I once went to a PPA support group once when I was on maternity leave and talked about how I was dreading going back to work and one of the other moms said something similar about how she couldn't leave her babies and thankfully didn't have to work. She looked very posh and well off, and the comment made me both angry and devastated.

Think about whether you're really happy with this arrangement. I mean happy inside, without weighing what others think. If not, then talk to your husband about making a change. You say your baby is better off with the nanny, but why is that? A degree isn't everything.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 14:09     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
38.5 hours away is not much at all. I'm more worried about when you carve out time for yourself (and for couple time). Kids are unhappy when their parents are unhappy. Otherwise they are very adaptable and resilient.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 13:43     Subject: Re:Guilt. Is it me?
I work five days and more hours than you but have the wonderful nanny and we prioritize family weekends (although this last weekend, for example, my college friends were staying with us so I didn't see my kids much). I don't think I've ever really felt much guilt at all. Although some people may slam working moms, that never bothers me because I'm secure in my decision to work (I know it's best for all of us on so many levels). And I've never allowed myself to wallow in any guilt on my own. If you're not getting messages from people that are making you feel guilty (or even if you are), you ought to look inside and figure out what it is that is making you feel this way.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 11:17     Subject: Re:Guilt. Is it me?
No one has EVER said anything remotely like this to me. If anything, the vast majority of comments I hear are knocking SAHM (but again, my circle is mostly women with careers). Who are these people?!
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 11:16     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
OP, I say this gently, but do you have self esteem issues? This level of guilt doesn't seem normal to me and my peer group of professional women. Yes, some struggle more than others, but it may be worth exploring with a professional why you are lacking confidence in your decisions.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 11:11     Subject: Re:Guilt. Is it me?
I agree- no one has ever said this to me but the vast majority of my friends have careers. I'm proud of my career and what I do, and I think it makes me a better mom. OP, it sounds like you're doing great- you need to work on your own guilt.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 10:39     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
Anonymous wrote:My DD is 19 months old and I work 38.5 hours a week, four days a week. Every Friday, it is just DD and me - and I devoted the full day to her (ie not on the phone or dealing with work at all). Every weekend, it is DD, DH and me and we always have fun stuff planned for her. Monday thru Thursday, DD is with an amazing and EXPENSIVE nanny who was a former preschool teacher and has a MA in Childhood Development. Aside from the fact that nanny fills DD's days with classes, story times, reading, play-dates and excursions, Nanny loves her and DD loves her nanny. DD runs to the nanny on Monday morning and never cries when I leave for work. DD is exceeding all milestones and is speaking in full sentences. She also loves to read (thanks to the nanny who has read to her and narrated for her since birth). I love my daughter and read every book I can find on child development and use what I agree with. I really try to be a good mother.

And yet, I feel guilty. It has never been part of my personality to feel a lot of guilt about my relationships or my decisions. But one comment from another mother about "I could never leave my baby" or "I gave up my career to stay home" devastates me. Intellectually I know that DD is better with the nanny four days a week because of the nanny's experience and structure and I know that 38.5 hours a week is not a lot of time to be away from DD but emotionally... I just feel guilty.

Is it society or is it me?


I have been a working mother for 8 years and not one person has ever said anything like this to me. Is this common for others?

Maybe it's a peer group thing. My friends are a well-educated, high achieving group and with a few exceptions, we all work. If there is any judgment, frankly it probably goes the other way toward SAHMs.

But to answer your question, I don't think it's society because I have never been made to feel guilty for one second that I have a career. And I don't feel guilty.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2017 10:34     Subject: Guilt. Is it me?
It gets so much better op. Many of my mom friends who stayed home were going mad by 3-5, the ages where it's tough stuff esp with a sibling. Make the time count. That's what matters. I have the same schedule and what makes me feel not guilty is always being able to go to every concert etc. because I have flexibility. Do you have that? Take advantage.