Anonymous
07/17/2017 18:39
Subject: Intimacy question
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm getting some good feedback, thanks.
The answer is no on the toys. She is too vanilla for that.
Agreed that saying "some women like this" might be weird. I don't want her thinking "well what women do you know that like this and how do you know they like it"
I think she doesn't like exposing her rear end honestly. A self conscious thing. We can all be self conscious about certain body parts. And her butt is actually very nice.
I'm glad to get some female feedback on how to bring her out of her shell a little, or mix up the routine. But not trying to do anything crazy. That is why I didn't go to the explicit board, because the answers would be crazy stuff that I know she isn't interested in, and I'm fine that she is not. I'm fine staying vanilla, just need a little variance on the routine and trying to figure out how to make her see that.
Don't knock the explicit board. Some of the posters here who are helping you are from the explicit board.
Whatever you do, go slow and easy. I agree about not discussing in advance. Things sound weird with your clothes on but feel good with your clothes off. I also agree with not asking permission. It's a mood killer. Just be good at reading her mood. If you push too far all at once, she could tense up, and she might not finish. If she doesn't get there, it'll reinforce that vanilla is best. I know that if I feel self conscious, I can't get there until DH makes me feel comfortable again. It's not fair to him to do the heavy lifting, but if he wants the thing that pushes my boundaries, that's how it works.
This is getting back to positioning, but there are positions where you're not facing each other, and you can't see her ass. Spooning is very intimate. You could try spooning naked and not attempting sex, then when she's comfortable with that, maybe she'd be willing to go a little further.
Roar
07/17/2017 17:57
Subject: Intimacy question
Oops, I meant OP not PP.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 17:57
Subject: Re:Intimacy question
Is she also so rigid in other aspects of her life - food, vacation, etc.? Honestly, this doesn't sound like a body image issue so much as inflexible thinking.
Roar
07/17/2017 17:57
Subject: Intimacy question
PP: IMHO this is more mental than physical. Happy to recommend an ebook that turned my life/marriage around and cured exactly that same issue about 7 years ago. PM me if interested.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 17:48
Subject: Intimacy question
OP can you get her a vibrator as a gift--surprise her with it! See how she responds.
Also, I sort of understand the exposed feeling about the from-behind position. Can you make it super dark? Maybe that would help getting started, so she wouldn't feel as exposed.
I also recommend showering together if that's something she might be willing to do.
Also, I sort of understand the exposed feeling about the from-behind position. Can you make it super dark? Maybe that would help getting started, so she wouldn't feel as exposed.
I also recommend showering together if that's something she might be willing to do.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 17:45
Subject: Intimacy question
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I hear you from the other side of the mirror here. I think I'm quite kinky/adventurous with a high libido, whereas my husband is a self-professed straight-up vanilla with a more moderate libido. I can sympathize firsthand how difficult and awkward it can be to bring up what you're hoping to, especially considering you guys are already having regular sex and she sounds satisfied with it. It's a vulnerable and anxious place to be, to be asking for a change in the status quo, especially on such a sensitive and private topic that really requires fully consensual participation from both parties.
One of the best things I ever did for myself on this issue is to do a bit of reading -- specifically, this book (https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intelligence-What-Really-Sex/dp/0062026070/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500322168&sr=8-1&keywords=sexual+intelligence). It helped me get to the bottom of what I was trying to say and explain the essence of why I wanted our sex life to be more fun and adventurous rather than awkward explain the tactical side of things (ie what positions I'd like to try, etc). I think it helped the husband understand why I was pushing him to come a bit more out of his shell (which is a big ask for someone who is guarded or has high self-consciousness).
Things haven't changed drastically for me since reading the book, but I do feel much more validated in my desires, and that helps. It's not just about being a kinky creep -- knowing that for myself helps me feel better about it when it comes to engaging with the husband on it.
Good luck!
Thanks for the book advice. It is a weird question I've asked. Sex is frequent and good. I just feel like I can tell you the process from beginning to end. She likes to follow the same script and not vary from it. We will do A, then B, then C, then D, then E, then we are done. Each and every time. I'm not wanting to get crazy. I just might want to do A, then B, then E, then D, then C, sometimes. It's in a different order. And maybe sometimes thrown in a J or a K.
She wants it several times a week, but loves the routine. The very limited routine.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 16:15
Subject: Intimacy question
Hi OP. I hear you from the other side of the mirror here. I think I'm quite kinky/adventurous with a high libido, whereas my husband is a self-professed straight-up vanilla with a more moderate libido. I can sympathize firsthand how difficult and awkward it can be to bring up what you're hoping to, especially considering you guys are already having regular sex and she sounds satisfied with it. It's a vulnerable and anxious place to be, to be asking for a change in the status quo, especially on such a sensitive and private topic that really requires fully consensual participation from both parties.
One of the best things I ever did for myself on this issue is to do a bit of reading -- specifically, this book (https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intelligence-What-Really-Sex/dp/0062026070/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500322168&sr=8-1&keywords=sexual+intelligence). It helped me get to the bottom of what I was trying to say and explain the essence of why I wanted our sex life to be more fun and adventurous rather than awkward explain the tactical side of things (ie what positions I'd like to try, etc). I think it helped the husband understand why I was pushing him to come a bit more out of his shell (which is a big ask for someone who is guarded or has high self-consciousness).
Things haven't changed drastically for me since reading the book, but I do feel much more validated in my desires, and that helps. It's not just about being a kinky creep -- knowing that for myself helps me feel better about it when it comes to engaging with the husband on it.
Good luck!
One of the best things I ever did for myself on this issue is to do a bit of reading -- specifically, this book (https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intelligence-What-Really-Sex/dp/0062026070/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500322168&sr=8-1&keywords=sexual+intelligence). It helped me get to the bottom of what I was trying to say and explain the essence of why I wanted our sex life to be more fun and adventurous rather than awkward explain the tactical side of things (ie what positions I'd like to try, etc). I think it helped the husband understand why I was pushing him to come a bit more out of his shell (which is a big ask for someone who is guarded or has high self-consciousness).
Things haven't changed drastically for me since reading the book, but I do feel much more validated in my desires, and that helps. It's not just about being a kinky creep -- knowing that for myself helps me feel better about it when it comes to engaging with the husband on it.
Good luck!
Anonymous
07/17/2017 14:27
Subject: Intimacy question
OP here. I'm getting some good feedback, thanks.
The answer is no on the toys. She is too vanilla for that.
Agreed that saying "some women like this" might be weird. I don't want her thinking "well what women do you know that like this and how do you know they like it"
I think she doesn't like exposing her rear end honestly. A self conscious thing. We can all be self conscious about certain body parts. And her butt is actually very nice.
I'm glad to get some female feedback on how to bring her out of her shell a little, or mix up the routine. But not trying to do anything crazy. That is why I didn't go to the explicit board, because the answers would be crazy stuff that I know she isn't interested in, and I'm fine that she is not. I'm fine staying vanilla, just need a little variance on the routine and trying to figure out how to make her see that.
The answer is no on the toys. She is too vanilla for that.
Agreed that saying "some women like this" might be weird. I don't want her thinking "well what women do you know that like this and how do you know they like it"
I think she doesn't like exposing her rear end honestly. A self conscious thing. We can all be self conscious about certain body parts. And her butt is actually very nice.
I'm glad to get some female feedback on how to bring her out of her shell a little, or mix up the routine. But not trying to do anything crazy. That is why I didn't go to the explicit board, because the answers would be crazy stuff that I know she isn't interested in, and I'm fine that she is not. I'm fine staying vanilla, just need a little variance on the routine and trying to figure out how to make her see that.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 10:06
Subject: Re:Intimacy question
I'm a DW of 22 yrs. I'm not crazy about having my ass out, just a self conscious thing, but with the lights off I'm totally cool with it. Turn off the lights, close the curtains, make the room dark. It's a good way to start. Once she's more comfortable with it that way she will love it.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 09:57
Subject: Intimacy question
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would be interested if other DW feel that way. Or is my wife the Lone Ranger. Is eye contact that important? I think some is body esteem issues, even though I think she looks great. She's just not very adventurous or outgoing after dark, even though her drive is higher than mine. We always follow the same script, which is probably my main question. Do others have the problem of always following the same script?
DW here. Eye contact is not important to me at all. The position you are interested in feels good to both partners. It has to be a body image issue or some other hang up for your DW.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 09:32
Subject: Intimacy question
Anonymous wrote:Ask her to try a new position for a couple of minutes, saying that you heard that some women say it feels amazing. You hit a different angle in all those various positions and she can have more or different kinds of orgasms. Don't do it anywhere near a mirror if it is body issues. Make sure to grab her hips and pull her into you.
I hated from behind for a long time. But now it is my favorite. And there are many ways to do it.
OP, please do not "say you heard that some women say it feels amazing." That's weird, while you're trying to have sex with a DW you love and want -- it would be a real passion-killer to hear my DH citing "some women like this" as if he had been scanning Cosmo for tips. Instead, talk intimately to her about what you love about her body, especially if she is self-conscious about aspects of her body.
OP, have you talked with her (beyond just asking during sex and hearing "no") about wanting new positions? If you can make this about how much you want and love her, and wanting to heighten intimacy and have fun (yeah, fun--we laugh a lot trying new stuff!), maybe she will compromise and try new things for your sake even if she's not that into them. Give her the positions she prefers and work up to new ones increasingly. As for her wanting to face you--in positions where you're not facing, talking to her might help--saying how good it feels, how you like the feel of her backside against you, etc.
You don't want her to think you're saying "I'm bored, our marriage is at risk"; you want her to hear, "I'm crazy about you just the way you are and trust you so much I would like to try new things--I'm not talking about every time but some of the time."
Anonymous
07/17/2017 09:19
Subject: Intimacy question
Anonymous wrote:Just curious, OP, if your wife orgasms from PIV?
This. Are you doing lots of foreplay? Do you have any toys?
Anonymous
07/17/2017 09:07
Subject: Re:Intimacy question
Anonymous wrote:I would find a time when you are on a date and feeling relaxed to talk to her about it. Wanted to spice things up after a couple decades is completely normal. If she has a higher drive, maybe you could do one of those sex everyday for a month challenges if in return she'll let you try some new positions. Or you could get a book a separately mark a couple things you'd like to try, and then have the other person pick from those things.
You know, in most situations, I'd agree with the talking about it in a nice calm setting advice. But, in this case, when we're just talking about a shift of positions, I'd almost recommend he just shift her how he wants her while they're in the middle of the act and she's a little worked up. If she says "no" or acts uncomfortable with the shift, then he should stop. But, things that seem gross or uncomfortable or weird in the abstract can seem pretty hot when you're in the middle of sex. I wouldn't recommend the "just go for it" approach to most sex stuff, but changing positions seems low-risk enough to give it a go.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 00:51
Subject: Intimacy question
Ask her to try a new position for a couple of minutes, saying that you heard that some women say it feels amazing. You hit a different angle in all those various positions and she can have more or different kinds of orgasms. Don't do it anywhere near a mirror if it is body issues. Make sure to grab her hips and pull her into you.
I hated from behind for a long time. But now it is my favorite. And there are many ways to do it.
I hated from behind for a long time. But now it is my favorite. And there are many ways to do it.
Anonymous
07/17/2017 00:19
Subject: Intimacy question
She's got some work to do on her body image issues, and that's a tough thing for women to overcome.
In the meantime, how about introducing something that takes your eyes off of her. Set up something where you make the room pitch dark and explore each other as if you're blind. She'd probably feel freer to try new positions. You could also play with blindfolds.
In the meantime, how about introducing something that takes your eyes off of her. Set up something where you make the room pitch dark and explore each other as if you're blind. She'd probably feel freer to try new positions. You could also play with blindfolds.