Anonymous wrote:The problem is not the desire to live near family. The problem is the refusal to compromise.

This exactly. He doesn't get to put his foot down about something major like where you will live, and you just have to go along with it. You need to get counseling to learn how to work through these kinds of decisions, or don't get married. You make these decisions together as a team, doing what is best for you (and your kids, if you ever have them). He is throwing an adult tantrum and that is not a great way to start off married life.

Anonymous wrote:The problem is not the desire to live near family. The problem is the refusal to compromise.

+1. Well phrased.

Please, OP, go back and re-read the post detailing why serious premarital counseling is essential. As that PP said, do not just do some weekend-long couples retreat with a group. Also don't just do a few sessions with the pastor who's going to do the wedding. Get a therapist who specializes in couples counseling and tell your fiancé that you and he both need to commit to full participation and openness. Your fiancé seems to think that you're going to "come around" in time and do what he tells you. Big red flag--not just about in-laws and their boundaries but also about how much he does or does not respect you as an equal partner with a say in your lives that is equal to his.

The problem is not the desire to live near family. The problem is the refusal to compromise.

Anonymous wrote:I ended an engagement over this. Six months later, DH came around and even started looking for jobs in the cities I had mentioned wanting to move to. We now live 700 miles from his family and over 1600 from mine. We have a set in stone holiday schedule that seems to have helped everyone adjust.

Together 12 years, married for 6 years, have moved 4 times together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to pre-marital counseling. DH was way too enmeshed with his parents. Counseling helped us and we're not happily married 8 years later. It takes a lot of work on both sides, but it is well worth it. Not all licensed counselors take insurance (I've found the best ones don't), but look into a few and find one that both of you feel comfortable with. He/she may also provide a discount so that it's a little more affordable, if that's an issue.

*we're now[b] happily married 8 years later*

Same here. Been married 20 years and have had to periodically go back to the counselor when we hit issues we were having problems working through. Your issue is a doozy and, as PPs noted, can be a deal breaker.

Anonymous wrote:He has also mentioned that my parents should come live in the neighborhood too. My mom wants to retire and go back to the country our family comes from (in a tropical area). I love his family, but I feel like none of them do anything without consulting the family unit.

This sounds like a wonderful situation! I would be so happy to have all of my family and my husband's family living in the same neighborhood. It's wonderful to marry into a close knit family. You will become part of that. On the other hand, if a close and loyal family is not something you value, like does your fiancé, this marriage sounds doomed from the start.

Both of your perspectives are valid.. I'm more like your DH, but certainly understand where you're coming from. If you and your fiancé aren't able to come to a compromise then it will haunt your marriage. This needs to be dealt with before you walk down the aisle.

It's comforting to live near family but can be incredibly limiting as well, especially as it relates to having a career. I'd be very cautious about this.

You guys need to be able to compromise. I like the idea of living close and as annoying as pop-ins are, I also appreciate the benefits of that kind of lifestyle. But if my spouse didn't feel comfortable, I wouldn't insist.

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like you guys are compatible, marriage-wise. This isn't a thing that is going to get better when you get married and have kids. If anything, it's going to get a lot worse.

I agree. This is one of those issues, like whether to have kids or how many, is usually not negotiable.

Anonymous wrote:Yes to pre-marital counseling. DH was way too enmeshed with his parents. Counseling helped us and we're not happily married 8 years later. It takes a lot of work on both sides, but it is well worth it. Not all licensed counselors take insurance (I've found the best ones don't), but look into a few and find one that both of you feel comfortable with. He/she may also provide a discount so that it's a little more affordable, if that's an issue.

*we're now[b] happily married 8 years later*

Yes to pre-marital counseling. DH was way too enmeshed with his parents. Counseling helped us and we're not happily married 8 years later. It takes a lot of work on both sides, but it is well worth it. Not all licensed counselors take insurance (I've found the best ones don't), but look into a few and find one that both of you feel comfortable with. He/she may also provide a discount so that it's a little more affordable, if that's an issue.

To me this is a red flag. My ex touted the benefits of living minutes from his family, but refused to acknowledge any downsides. Like lack of privacy. Eventually, it was actually economically harming us due to high cost of living and his limited job prospects and he still wouldn't move. By then, I was stuck here with him because of my two kids.

Anonymous wrote:He has also mentioned that my parents should come live in the neighborhood too. My mom wants to retire and go back to the country our family comes from (in a tropical area). I love his family, but I feel like none of them do anything without consulting the family unit.

I think that you need to really consider what living near his family would mean for YOUR family (e.g., you, your husband, and the children I assume you'll have in the future). My best friend lives in the same neighborhood as her in-laws. The good side is that they are a 5 minute walk/2 minute drive away if there is ever a childcare emergency (for example when she went into labor with her 3rd baby at 5am and needed to leave for the hospital ASAP). The bad side is that it really makes it easier for her in-laws to just drop by whenever they want, without calling. For a while, her MIL had a key to the house, and getting it back so that she wouldn't just let herself in whenever she wanted was a real stressor. It also sets up expectations of how regularly family will congregate. Maybe you would be okay with Sunday night family dinners with his entire extended family. Maybe not. My friend isn't. Her MIL has really strong opinions about parenting and has been trying to impose them on my friend since her first was a baby (he's 10 now). She's more or less taken it in stride ("No, MIL, you can't give Davey rice cereal at 2 months, that's not what we agreed") but it's not an insignificant hassle for them because it comes up every week in some form or another.