Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 13:18     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
Discuss what each of you will be handling, reach agreement on food/decor/drinks/invites as much as possible, clarify who's paying for what, and share the fun and the responsibilities. Memorialize things in writing so there's no confusion. Just because it's your house doesn't mean you can't co-host in an enjoyable way. Keep us posted on how it's going!
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 13:17     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
OP - I understand (I think!) your POV but sounds like you need a convo with the I assume MOH. I personally would be very uncomfortable to not be in planning process of party held at my home and it sounds like your intent was not was was communicated. You are NOT obligated to move ahead but you do have to set out what you are comfortable with. I think the MOH is perhaps looking at you as having offered a free/no parameters venue and you were instead at minimum offering your home but I think you were probably assuming you were now primary host. I think meet with her and see if party can happen but if it sounds out of your comfort zone cheerfully say so. Your SIL knows you enough to know if you'd be uncomfortable with with the type of party proposed or idea that you were just the property owner with no say.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 13:17     Subject: Re:Set me straight family wedding stuff
Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I appreciate and agree with the feedback. I am feeling kind of uncomfortable but my goal is completely to be joyous and celebrate with my SIL. I needed this feedback to help me get properly oriented.

It is a situation where there is an age difference and that may be some of it. I will say that there was some miscommunication as in my mind when I offered my house that meant I would be hosting the party not "co-hosting" as has been described but maybe I can "co-host". It's not something I've done before in my house but I can try.

I truly want this is be a fun and celebratory experience for all.

Thanks!


Unclench. Seriously. It was the friend's idea, and you're swooping in to take over. If you do that, your SIL's friend will be really hurt, and I guarantee your SIL will hear about it and it will damage your relationship with her.

Yes, you can co-host. Talk to the friend about budget, menu, guest list, etc., and do not assume that because you offered your house, you get to decide everything. You can limit how many guests, and you can veto activities or catering that doesn't work in your home, but you have to be generous here. It's not about you, it's about your SIL, and she will not be happy if her friends are shut out.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 13:05     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
OP, it would probably be much better to have a real conversation rather than planning via text. Say, XYZ is what we've done for parties in the past and it worked really well, what else do we need?

Also, if there will be a lot of guests who are friends of your MIL/FIL you may want to point that out as well.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:56     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
Ok everyone. Op came on here to get a pulse. So that says something! Good luck OP. Hope you can keep it light and make it all work. There is good advice here and good on you for checking yourself.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:49     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
Anonymous wrote:The friend reached out for you to coordinate with her, assuming you would be doing a joint party. If you haven't clearly said to her that that is not a joint function, it's understandable that she thinks she's supposed to be taking charge of some things. You have to be clear.


Exactly!


Suzie: Hey Larla, I'm throwing an engagement party for my best friend SIL and I know how much she adores you and looks up to you so I was wondering if you'd like to help me coordinate it?

Larla: Sure Suzie I'd love to.

Larla (Behind Suzie's back to SIL): Hey SIL, do you want your engagement party held at my house? (SIL - gleefully, Yes, thanks so much)

Larla to Suzie: okay, so the party is at my house, I've sent invitations (saying that I'm hosting it, BTW), the food will be catered and will be heavy appetizers. I ordered wine and beer. I got the decorations and we are all set. The party will start at 7:00 pm and you're invited. Thanks.

Suzie: Uh...but...um...I thought...uh...
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:44     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
This is her friend and she wants to be a part of the wedding activities, nothing wrong with that.

I've co-hosted parties and my house is always the venue, that's ok with me. Let her bring some food and a keg if she wants. Who cares?

Right now establish who is doing what. You are ordering and paying for X,Y,Z. She is doing X,Y,Z. You will both setup and clean up together. Sometimes it is harder because you want to do everything your way but it will be fun and your SIL will love it
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:40     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
The friend reached out for you to coordinate with her, assuming you would be doing a joint party. If you haven't clearly said to her that that is not a joint function, it's understandable that she thinks she's supposed to be taking charge of some things. You have to be clear.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:39     Subject: Re:Set me straight family wedding stuff
Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I appreciate and agree with the feedback. I am feeling kind of uncomfortable but my goal is completely to be joyous and celebrate with my SIL. I needed this feedback to help me get properly oriented.

It is a situation where there is an age difference and that may be some of it. I will say that there was some miscommunication as in my mind when I offered my house that meant I would be hosting the party not "co-hosting" as has been described but maybe I can "co-host". It's not something I've done before in my house but I can try.

I truly want this is be a fun and celebratory experience for all.

Thanks!

So in your mind, the friend texted you about HER idea about a party for HER friend who is your SIL and from that you took it to mean that if you offer YOUR house, f*** the friend and it is now YOUR party and YOUR idea.
Do you know how crazy that sounds?
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:39     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
I agree with PPs. The friend intended to co-host a party, and invited you to be part of the planning. You assumed that meant you could take it over 100% and block the friend out. Sorry, but offering your home does not mean the friend has to back out entirely - she still wants to co-host a party for her friend. What is wrong with that? How was she supposed to know that she was being demoted from co-host to mere guest? It was her idea in the first place!

You should arrange an in-person 'planning session' with the friend. Bring your own ideas, and be open to listening to hers. See if you can find some common ground and compromise in areas where you disagree. Co-hosting a party can actually be a lot of fun if you have an open mind.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:35     Subject: Re:Set me straight family wedding stuff
Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.

Yea....this....
You sound a bit controlling. This is about all of her loved ones coming together to celebrate the bride...you need to calm down.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:33     Subject: Re:Set me straight family wedding stuff
Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I appreciate and agree with the feedback. I am feeling kind of uncomfortable but my goal is completely to be joyous and celebrate with my SIL. I needed this feedback to help me get properly oriented.

It is a situation where there is an age difference and that may be some of it. I will say that there was some miscommunication as in my mind when I offered my house that meant I would be hosting the party not "co-hosting" as has been described but maybe I can "co-host". It's not something I've done before in my house but I can try.

I truly want this is be a fun and celebratory experience for all.

Thanks!


Just coordinate with her ahead of time. It sounds like it will be pretty casual. I'm sure she'll be open to many of your ideas.

How it will work is she'll come over early or the night before to bring stuff and help you set up. Easy
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:30     Subject: Re:Set me straight family wedding stuff
Anonymous wrote:Wow. I think you are being overly controlling and taking over something that the friend is clearly in charge of doing. Friend texted YOU. You didn't come up with the idea or start the idea. Friend texted YOU to HELP coordinate a party. You called your SIL and offered to HELP - not HAVE the party. Then you offered your home as the venue. Think about that. You didn't offer to have the party - you offered to have the friend's party at your house.

And now, when friend is planning the party, you're getting all mad that you can't control (and probably take credit for) having the party.

She called you to HELP coordinate the party. So, do that. Set up a time to talk with the friend to go over decorations, food, etc. Tell friend what you like/don't like, and let her tell you and you two find something you both think your SIL would like. Maybe tell friend that she could do the decorations and you do the food/drink? Have friend come early to your house to help set up?

make it a joyous and fun (and inclusive) process. Enjoy the planning and setting up and all that goes with celebrating this fun time and stop being so controlling and cliquey about "family-only" and "no friends allowed" BS.


+1 Why did you offer your home as the venue AFTER the friend suggested the party and AFTER she only asked you to help coordinate? How did you decide that that now gives you the power to dictate the entire situation? You sound like a controlling nightmare. Your poor SIL. You are making this all about YOU.
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:27     Subject: Re:Set me straight family wedding stuff
OP here,

I appreciate and agree with the feedback. I am feeling kind of uncomfortable but my goal is completely to be joyous and celebrate with my SIL. I needed this feedback to help me get properly oriented.

It is a situation where there is an age difference and that may be some of it. I will say that there was some miscommunication as in my mind when I offered my house that meant I would be hosting the party not "co-hosting" as has been described but maybe I can "co-host". It's not something I've done before in my house but I can try.

I truly want this is be a fun and celebratory experience for all.

Thanks!
Anonymous
Post 06/28/2017 12:22     Subject: Set me straight family wedding stuff
First, relax. Or you aren't going to be at all helpful to your SIL during this process.

Second, be a good co-host like you offered. You provide the house, she can do the leg work for planning.

You did indeed offer to CO-host. The friend next time won't call you and you'll post here about being left out of your SIL's bachelorette party.