Does he feel insecure or somehow inferior to you? He may be trying to hedge against the day you leave him, you, so beautiful, so much more accomplished (you pay the bills), and such?

Either that, or he's an idiot, or they are truly just friends and it's habit. In any case, you should be able to talk about it.

It's very rare, but it can happen that two members of the opposite sex can remain platonic friends. Most "friends" I've known wound up having sex at some point.

Yes, they can, seriously. And what happens over time, I have found, is not necessarily that those friendships fade. (heck, if the friendship fades quickly after marriage, it might be because it was always based at least in part on hope of something more.) That said, it sounds like a lot of togetherness. To allay any fear, why don't you try all getting together sometime? perhaps in a bigger group so that there's no pressure? Maybe y'all will hit it off and you will be more jointly friends with her. (Or maybe you'll get a whiff of flirting and be more concerned.) But honestly, I would try to get to know her better regardless, since she's clearly a good friend of your spouse. And getting to know her may make you feel better about the friendship.

Generally, this type of contact is not OK and one party or the other is interested. You have to trust your gut. If your gut is saying "big sister," then I'd let it be. The minute, however, you start to get a whiff of something more, it's probably a good time to talk about your concerns.

I think preexisting friendships should be allowed to continue, but the level of contact and intensity you describe it too much.


I wasn't aware people generally were in the business of regulating their partners' interpersonal relationships. That's just weird and creepy.

I don't know what you mean by regulation. If DH and I have outside relationships (family or friendships) that concern or disturb the other person, we would raise it with one another, respect one another's feelings, and modify behavior accordingly. If you find that "creepy," hey, you have a right to your views. You manage your relationships the way you think best, and we'll do ours the way we think best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Preexisting relationships with members of the opposite gender are fine. I had lunch with an old (male) friend a few weeks ago, in fact. However, I would not make new male friends now, whether they're married or not.

I agree. I don't think that getting a marriage certificate is a mandatory cut-off, hard line thug for friendships that have existed already. I wouldn't care (and never have) if it's a longtime friend, I've met them, and he's transparent about it. Both my partner and I have opposite-sex friends that we text and call and stuff. However, we often include each other's spouses/significant others. We ALL kinda became friends after awhile. You should make an effort to get to know this friend of his; maybe you'll like her. If you make him stop talking to her or pout when he does, you just look very insecure, naggy, and petty. Not a good look, girl.

Yup. You knew they were friends going in. As long as he's not hiding it, and you are included in any activities or visits, then I wouldn't have a problem. If they wanted to date, they'd have done it.

Sounds like she has a FWB in a boyfriend but your husband might be her long term intellectual, social and emotional mate.

Anonymous wrote:I think preexisting friendships should be allowed to continue, but the level of contact and intensity you describe it too much.

I wasn't aware people generally were in the business of regulating their partners' interpersonal relationships. That's just weird and creepy.

I bet he is "friendzoned" and will stay there forever.

If they haven't had sex by now they never will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She lives kinda far from where we live so getting to know her more would be difficult and we have so little in common.

You have a ton in common--your husband! If they work together and he's talking to her daily, you should get to know her. If she is like the sister he never had, then you should aim to have a relationship like you with for a sister-in-law. If she avoids getting to know you, that seems weird and suspicious.

I think you are going to have to take the initiative here. You basically don't know this person that is very close to your very new husband and you should get to know her. It will alleviate or confirm your fears once you do. The distance thing may not be the easiest thing but maybe meet in the middle sometime. PP said you do have one thing in common and it is your husband and that is so true. You should reach out to her and see what the response it. If you reach out and get swatted away, you have your answer.

Anonymous wrote:She lives kinda far from where we live so getting to know her more would be difficult and we have so little in common.

You have a ton in common--your husband! If they work together and he's talking to her daily, you should get to know her. If she is like the sister he never had, then you should aim to have a relationship like you with for a sister-in-law. If she avoids getting to know you, that seems weird and suspicious.

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you and your DH spend time with this woman, or only your DH?

Has he been open about the depth of his friendship with her, or did you only find out by looking at the phone bill?

He has sort of been open about her. There was mention of her when we first dated so not hidden. He does have a tendency to gravitate to her when I am not around. Yes, that is where I noted the level of contact, the phone bills. No we never spend time together with her. He, at best sees her at work but I am pretty positive hardly ever outside of work other than evening texting.

Anonymous wrote:Sure they can. I have been both the single friend and now the wife in this scenario. In both instances the friendship (between single female and married man) automatically cooled over time. It's the nature of things - marriages trump friendships and things evolve.

If you add kids in to the mix this happens even faster.

If you weren't worried about it before OP then don't worry about it now. Don't make a thing of it, just let nature take it's course and see what happens over the next year or two.

+100 you said it has been <30 days. Give it more time it will fade.

Hard-line thing*

Damn autocorrect!!

OP, do you and your DH spend time with this woman, or only your DH?

Has he been open about the depth of his friendship with her, or did you only find out by looking at the phone bill?