Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:20     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
OP, don't feel bad about not wanting to pay your SILs food expenses.

It's ridiculous your SIL does this, and f-n rude as hell.

You and your spouse work hard. They have a different lifestyle, fine.

But just because you and your spouse both work and make more money does not mean you should happily pay their way on vacation.

They should budget enough money to pay for at least some of their food, and make low cost meals to serve if each family is responsible for a meal or two.

They are adults. They take advantage of you and your FIL and MIL.

Why people here are siding with them is beyond me.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:19     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Can you email the whole group to say "we are going grocery shopping for the whole house before the trip; please let me know if there is anything specific you'd like for me to buy; I will email the amount owed later" and then email that they each owe 1/3 of total grocery bill? Likely your in-laws will foot the whole bill but at least everyone is aware and you won't feel as taken advantage of.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:19     Subject: Re:How do I make myself just not care?
I'd get over it by realizing how lucky you have it if this is your biggest grip about your inlaws. I can't even begin to tell you how awful my inlaws have been to me. It's a really bad situation.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:14     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:(I should add that my MIL and FIL would probably pay for all of the food themselves but I don't think that's fair - we're all adults, and we should split the cost of the trip, so I would feel guilty eating food they had paid for when I could afford to buy my own.)


This line suggest to me you're thinking about this in a petty, immature way...


So it's petty and immature of me to think that I shouldn't have my retired in-laws pay for my food when I could afford it? I'm seriously asking not to pick a fight, I appreciate others' opinions on this because my friends and family are too close to this to see straight.


No, it's petty and immature to not let your in-laws resolve this problem with their own family in the way they think is best. Why is it so important to you that it get resolved in the way YOU think is best? It's their side of the family.


This. I've realized that my DH and I were raised very differently and when I'm with ILs, I have to respect their way of doing things. If your DH is okay with his sister being a moocher, you have to let it go for his sake. Maybe he realizes that one day his sister may bear more of the burden of helping his elderly parents. Maybe his parents spent more on his education than hers while growing up. Let it go
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:09     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you put non perishable food in your room? Snacks, water, etc?

I would. And if nobody chipped in, we'd take off on our own to grab a bite.

Be right back, moochers!


I'm DEFINITELY keeping the booze in our room this year since last year I ended up with one half of one of the 12 bottles of wine I brought. I'm fine sharing, but I feel like maybe there's a line?


Yes. And you could say you wanted to make sure the kids didn't have access to it
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:07     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should buy more food, as your husband suggests, as an act of love for your husband. You should "make yourself just not care" by reminding yourself that you love your husband and to treat his family kindly is a kindness to him.

It's his sister and his parents. So his sister does not work. So she accepts tickets to musicals. So she is kind of thoughtless and ungrateful. It's still his sister. He presumably wants to just go and have a nice time with his family on vacation and not be counting the exact number of loaves of bread his sister's family has consumed.

You have been nursing this grudge for a year?! Don't cause your husband grief by begrudging his family some grocery shopping.


I guess I just expect the same - that I would be treated kindly and with respect. Yes, we make more money, but it doesn't mean we don't work hard for it (we're both out of the house a minimum of 12 hours M-F) and it doesn't mean we don't miss it. Yes, I have had this grudge since last year, and yes, I want it to go away. That's why I asked for help as to how to do that. I appreciate the idea of focusing on doing it for him.


You're upset over this. Not the food. Accept you can't force your inlaws to both work. If you're unhappy with your current work arrangement then change it.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:04     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:(I should add that my MIL and FIL would probably pay for all of the food themselves but I don't think that's fair - we're all adults, and we should split the cost of the trip, so I would feel guilty eating food they had paid for when I could afford to buy my own.)


This line suggest to me you're thinking about this in a petty, immature way...


So it's petty and immature of me to think that I shouldn't have my retired in-laws pay for my food when I could afford it? I'm seriously asking not to pick a fight, I appreciate others' opinions on this because my friends and family are too close to this to see straight.


No, it's petty and immature to not let your in-laws resolve this problem with their own family in the way they think is best. Why is it so important to you that it get resolved in the way YOU think is best? It's their side of the family.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:03     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When we go on family vacay, each family contributes 100.00 per member of their family. All that money goes into the pot, and that is the money that is used for food for the week. If the money runs out, each family contributes a new amount per family member. That means a family of 2 is not having to contribute the same amount as a family of 6 and that everyone is free to each any of the food. Could your husband suggest this? When we do this, we leave my parents, who pay for the rental, out of it, so it is just the families that pay this food money.


This is a brilliant idea. I just don't know how to broach it. If I leave it to my husband, he'll just say he'd rather just buy all the food because money is just money. Yes, it annoys me that he doesn't seem to care how I feel about it, but we've had this argument so many times that I'm done fighting with him about it. For some reason this just really sets him off, and I don't fully understand why - he is nothing like his sister and they aren't at all close. If I bring it up to my MIL, she'll just end up paying for the SIL's family's share, which I guess is fine since that's her choice. And my SIL would label me an obnoxious bitch if I raised it with her. We are nothing alike and are not close. We fake it when we're together but, for example, she doesn't text/email/call on my or my childrens' birthdays.


So the main issue is that it bugs you that SIL gets a free ride in life in general. I would guess that it kind of sucks having to rely on the generosity of others. Be happy that you've got the money to buy the brand of cookies you actually want, and that you aren't a dependent whiner.

Want to not care? Realize that being self-sufficient and making your own way in life makes you a superior person to begin with, and just dismiss her as so much in-law baggage. You're letting her matter way too much.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 17:02     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you put non perishable food in your room? Snacks, water, etc?

I would. And if nobody chipped in, we'd take off on our own to grab a bite.

Be right back, moochers!


I'm DEFINITELY keeping the booze in our room this year since last year I ended up with one half of one of the 12 bottles of wine I brought. I'm fine sharing, but I feel like maybe there's a line?


Yes, it's called setting boundaries.

Maybe let FIL and MIL purchase food, and you and DH give them your share.

If they want to foot the bill, let them. It's not your responsibility to pay for other adults and their families.

If your SIL and fam were experiencing a financial set back and addressed it with everyone, you'd all pitch in so they could have a vacay.

They are taking advantage of the situation. Let MIL and FIL pay their way. They don't seem to mind.

Just because you have the money, doesn't mean you have to pay no questions asked.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 16:59     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:(I should add that my MIL and FIL would probably pay for all of the food themselves but I don't think that's fair - we're all adults, and we should split the cost of the trip, so I would feel guilty eating food they had paid for when I could afford to buy my own.)


This line suggest to me you're thinking about this in a petty, immature way...


So it's petty and immature of me to think that I shouldn't have my retired in-laws pay for my food when I could afford it? I'm seriously asking not to pick a fight, I appreciate others' opinions on this because my friends and family are too close to this to see straight.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 16:57     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:You should buy more food, as your husband suggests, as an act of love for your husband. You should "make yourself just not care" by reminding yourself that you love your husband and to treat his family kindly is a kindness to him.

It's his sister and his parents. So his sister does not work. So she accepts tickets to musicals. So she is kind of thoughtless and ungrateful. It's still his sister. He presumably wants to just go and have a nice time with his family on vacation and not be counting the exact number of loaves of bread his sister's family has consumed.

You have been nursing this grudge for a year?! Don't cause your husband grief by begrudging his family some grocery shopping.


I guess I just expect the same - that I would be treated kindly and with respect. Yes, we make more money, but it doesn't mean we don't work hard for it (we're both out of the house a minimum of 12 hours M-F) and it doesn't mean we don't miss it. Yes, I have had this grudge since last year, and yes, I want it to go away. That's why I asked for help as to how to do that. I appreciate the idea of focusing on doing it for him.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 16:46     Subject: Re:How do I make myself just not care?
Let MIL and FIL purchase all the food.

Agree on an amount with your husband (750 same as last year?) and he does the shopping. When the food is gone and you have to feed your children, he goes to the store again. You take the kids to McDonald's and the beach.

Don't go on these annual trips with the ILs. Your SIL is happy to mooch and her parents are happy to pay her way.

Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 16:40     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
The reason it sets him off is that you seem determined to belittle his sister and think of reasons to dislike her. (Doesn't text on your birthday? Come on. I don't expect my sister-in-law to observe my birthday! Or my kids' birthdays.)

This is his family. He feels a sense of loyalty to them. You don't seem to understand that or respect it. Indeed, you seem threatened by it.

Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 16:38     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Keep some stuff in your room to keep your anger at bay. But really, if your DH is cool with footing the bill and you all can afford it, it's not your call. It's his call if he wants to buy all the food for the whole group. I think the idea of sending out an email saying "Hey, how do we want to handle the food this year? LY we ran out" is good but it should ideally be sent by your husband.
Anonymous
Post 06/20/2017 16:36     Subject: How do I make myself just not care?
Anonymous wrote:(I should add that my MIL and FIL would probably pay for all of the food themselves but I don't think that's fair - we're all adults, and we should split the cost of the trip, so I would feel guilty eating food they had paid for when I could afford to buy my own.)


This line suggest to me you're thinking about this in a petty, immature way...