Anonymous wrote:I think later is better. They are more financially stable and spared us the hassles of joint custody and steprelatives while living at home. for that I am grateful, but +1 to all the logistical issues. Elder care is no joke im the best of circumstances. I just do the best I can and remind myself that they CHOSE this so if they get less of my attention than they would as a married couple, natural consequences.

Exactly this. In retrospect, I am very grateful I didn't have to do the joint custody, or live between two houses. I know my parents stuck it out a few years more than they wanted to.

My ILs divorced when my DH was in his late teens, but it was drawn out over a few years. MY MIL cheated and left my FIL (but he is a jerk so I try not to judge too much). It did have and still does have a profound effect on my DH and my SIL.

My FIL remarried about 10 years later to a nice woman and he has a second family with her (2 more kids). My MIL, even though she has had many new boyfriends, never remarried and never found a steady partner again. She drove my DH and DIL crazy with all her boyfriend antics, definitely over involving them in her personal life. Last year out of the blue she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and is sadly dying. It has become all consuming, helping take care of her, the logistics, as she still wants to live alone (despite it being so dangerous). Even my FIL, her ex, visits her as he is worried. My FIL and his second wife were having marital issues and contemplating divorce, but after seeing how difficult and heart breaking it is for my MIL to be so sick alone they've tried to work things out and are still together. Dying alone, even by voice, is just gut wrenching to watch for my husband.

Then there are all the regular logistics, making sure you do equal time with both parents for holidays, stuff with grand kids, etc. It's a constant stress and balancing act. And my ILs relatively get a long considering their history.

I think later is better. They are more financially stable and spared us the hassles of joint custody and steprelatives while living at home. for that I am grateful, but +1 to all the logistical issues. Elder care is no joke im the best of circumstances. I just do the best I can and remind myself that they CHOSE this so if they get less of my attention than they would as a married couple, natural consequences.

I think it's worse when you are older. Parents don't shelter you as much and you get caught in the middle. I got crappy grades that semester in college, have a had a few bad relationships etc. same with my siblings and

Probably affected my divorced parents more than me. I don't see them a lot and if I have a spare moment I am not inclined to take the grandkids back to the hometown since I don't want to run around like crazy and see two houses. If they got along and could be in the same room, it wouldn't be a big deal. As it is,it's just too much to deal with right now.

It's weird. It didn't affect my life, but I it did affect me emotionally. I don't really care whose house we go to or who takes who to the doctor. The emotional part though...It's like I lost some sort of innocence about my relationship with them and theirs with me. I had been hoping all my life they'd some day be adults and I gave up on that when they separated. I realized I was more an adult than they were--it had been that way my whole life. I think this is due to the multiple affairs and all the lying and alcohol and leaving and coming back. Completely chaotic childhood.

Then guess what. They got back together after 5 years of separation. They're so messed up it's hard to be in the same room with them.

This is probably incoherent and doesn't apply to whatever the situation the op is asking about obviously. It's not like my parents were in love and blissful and then one day "poof". If there is divorce after all those years, it seems reasonable to conclude there was dysfunction for a long long time.

So yes, my life is not affected so much because I chose to withdraw from the toxicity and set huge boundaries about how I would relate to them. My brother who is more engaged is actively trying to make everything ok and make everyone better. I did that for a long time and have let the baton pass to him.

The effect was the negative impact of growing up in a household where my parents should have divorced much earlier. They didn't have much open conflict. Their relationship was dysfunctional, though, however much they tried to pretend otherwise. I'm sure it was with the best of intentions, but I did not have a positive example of what a marriage should be. I think both would have been emotionally better off single than together.

Didn't really affect us at all. We were out of the house and didn't really care anymore. The only thing I'm pissed about is that they didn't do it earlier. I need these 2 separately and can't even stand them in the same room. Everything mom did was wrong and everything dad did is right, and he got to beat her for the wrong.
Dad shouldn't be together with anybody. Mom remarried and is happy as a camper.

Anonymous wrote:Telling Children of Divorce that it's ok to choose sides is as stupid as telling parents it's okay to tell one child you love them more than the other

Parents of addicts are told all the time it is okay to not spend time with the addict until they get clean.

Nobody said to say you love them less, but you can tell you abusive parent that you don't want to spend time with them.

It's called having good boundaries.

You don't stop spending time with an abusive patent and then turn around and say to the other parent... I can see you because dad will think I like you more. That is insane.

^^^ he is not a child he is an adult.

It's okay to have an opinion. It's okay to spend more time with a parent that treats you well vs one that doesn't.

Every psychologist will explain to you that is called having good boundaries.

Nobody is obligated to a parent due to being born to them, even parents need to earn respect even from their children.

Telling Children of Divorce that it's ok to choose sides is as stupid as telling parents it's okay to tell one child you love them more than the other

My folks divorced when I was 24 and working my first job. Mom told me while I was still at work and running from one meeting to the next. I was completely mortified and devastated, it came out of nowhere.

The issue is that my brother was 21, living at home with his girlfriend and their "oops" baby. He barely graduated high school and was floating from one crappy job after another. GF dropped out of HS in 11th grade. Her family threw her out of the house as soon as she became pregnant and she had to shack up with my parents and high school-aged sister. That entire arrangement completely WRECKED my parents' marriage.

Dad hated the pregnant GF and felt she was just trying to "leech" onto the family. My mom, of course, wanted her to be safe and have a healthy baby. Meanwhile, I was living across the country, in college, and oblivious to all the tension back at home. My sister spent her HS years practically raising that kid, she didn't get to have a fun high school experience. Dad kept working more and more overtime, he couldn't stand being in that house.

As soon as my sister left for college, my mom served my dad divorce papers. She was miserable, he was miserable, my brother's now-wife was miserable, my brother was miserable that he had no education and just wanted to get out of that house (he enlisted in the Marines).

Overall, it was a completely f#cked situation. My sister has not spoken with my father in over 7 years and he has never seen his grandchildren.

Both parents are happily re-partnered. My dad got married to a subservient Filipino nurse he met at his new church. She's nice, but we don't have a close relationship. I have no idea what he sees in her. She has grown children, but one that suffers from a TBI. Thankfully, my step-mother has her own money. My mom and her live-in boyfriend just bought a house together while renting out their existing properties. They have no intention of re-marrying, but have a pretty good legal framework for dividing shared assets.

It is what it is. I'm about to propose to my GF, but I'm hitting my late 30s. I feel like the divorce prolonged my adolescence and I've done whatever I can to avoid "bad news" and making others angry. It also sucks to divide my time between the two of them over holidays, as they live about 50 miles apart. I do a LOT of driving in rental cars when I go home.

My parents divorced when I was in college. Still affects me to this day. I feel like I don't have the same sense of safety and security that people from intact families have. Also, my father said to me when he was divorcing my mom that he would no longer be my dad - he was now my "adult friend." He no longer remembers saying that, but it turned out to be relatively true. Although I'd say I'm more of an adult acquaintance, tbh! Both parents are somewhat involved long-distance grandparents & love their grandkids & children, but I don't think either has any idea how little support/guidance/nurturing they provided post-divorce as parents to their children. Not sure that would have been any different had they stayed together, though. Love both of them and I do think they are better off apart from one another. They seemed pretty unhappy together. My father has been remarried since about 3 mos after the divorce was final. My mom's single. Both are content and no longer have rancor towards one another.

They divorced when I was 8. I was sad but also relieved. They never fought in front of us, but it was always tense and forced. And we could hear them fight at night. It was just an unhappy environment. But , of course I was also sad.

When I was 11, my dad remarried to my awesome stepmom. When I was 14, my mom remarried (although they'd been together since I was 10). They both have very happy marriages and are able to get along for big family events. I'm lucky in that sense.


On a positive note, Ive learned about happy and healthy marriages through the remarriages.

On a negative note, I've always been conflict averse because I over think about what others reactions will be.


All in all, you can't leave your kids unscathed in either situation. Personally, I'm glad my parents divorced. I think I'd have a pretty messed up idea of what relationship are if they had stayed together