Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 14:37     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
I am a high drive W with a lower than average drive H.

Here's how I define it: H doesn't act like he thinks about sex at all between sessions. No sexting, no flirting in person, no ass grabbing, no explicit comments. Very early in our relationship, told me he didn't see the point in kissing more than a peck or making out if it didn't lead to orgasm. Just not a sensual person. Can easily go a week between orgasms. Always happy with a quickie, never tries to extend. Never tries new positions. Can't tell my real vs. fake orgasms.

As a woman, I feel that I am higher drive than normal because if I had a willing partner, I'd be happy with four or five times a week, a couple of them long. I think about sex many times a day. I fantasize, I self pleasure. I would like to push the kink envelope. I have spontaneous, not responsive, desire.


NP here in very similar situation. What has happened, over the years, is that my drive has lessened because sex is pretty boring/routine. I tried for a long time to push the envelope, communicate to DH that sex begins long before the lights go out (or whatever), that for me it is mental, is is flirting, it is planning, it is trying new things. But he's uncomfortable with all of that. For hi m its like a light switch: it goes on, he wants sex, he's done, it goes off. That being said, he does try to please me in bed--its just that there's a lot he is uncomfortable trying/doing and he never acts sexual outside of the bedroom.

with my previous two partners, i was having sex daily, multiple times a day. I know that's not sustainable with kids, marriage, etc, but damn, it was good.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 14:24     Subject: Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:I mentioned this on another post, and I'm sure it isn't original to me, but I think even a relatively small difference in drives creates a self-reinforcing process that exacerbates those differences into something more significant over the years.

High drive gets rejected, feels anxious about the amount of sex they're having, starts fixating on sex, pushes harder, and feels rejection even more keenly.

Low drive feels pressured which results in even less desire, rejects more frequently which leads to an increase in feelings of pressure, less desire, etc.


Or what happened in my case is that I tried to increase the frequency, the quality went down and sex ended up being something we both did to be polite and keep the marriage going. He thinks I'm too uptight in bed but won't try anything new, and won't do what I told him I'd like. Anyway, what helped is that I backed off completely and let him decide when he wants it. It doesn't help with my needs for variety and greater frequency, but at least the times we are together are a bit better.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 13:25     Subject: Define high drive vs low drive
I mentioned this on another post, and I'm sure it isn't original to me, but I think even a relatively small difference in drives creates a self-reinforcing process that exacerbates those differences into something more significant over the years.

High drive gets rejected, feels anxious about the amount of sex they're having, starts fixating on sex, pushes harder, and feels rejection even more keenly.

Low drive feels pressured which results in even less desire, rejects more frequently which leads to an increase in feelings of pressure, less desire, etc.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:22     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am a high drive W with a lower than average drive H.

Here's how I define it: H doesn't act like he thinks about sex at all between sessions. No sexting, no flirting in person, no ass grabbing, no explicit comments. Very early in our relationship, told me he didn't see the point in kissing more than a peck or making out if it didn't lead to orgasm. Just not a sensual person. Can easily go a week between orgasms. Always happy with a quickie, never tries to extend. Never tries new positions. Can't tell my real vs. fake orgasms.

As a woman, I feel that I am higher drive than normal because if I had a willing partner, I'd be happy with four or five times a week, a couple of them long. I think about sex many times a day. I fantasize, I self pleasure. I would like to push the kink envelope. I have spontaneous, not responsive, desire.


I am so so jealous of your DH. You sound like every man's dream. Except your husband


Thanks, yeah, I am not quite sure what to make of all of this.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:20     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a little shocked at how many people consider once a week to be average, and not low.


Depends on your age. I think that's low at 32, but at 52, I think once a week is average to maybe even a little on the high side.



Hah! 11:00 here. I am 32. I can see how that would be the case.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:20     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:I am a high drive W with a lower than average drive H.

Here's how I define it: H doesn't act like he thinks about sex at all between sessions. No sexting, no flirting in person, no ass grabbing, no explicit comments. Very early in our relationship, told me he didn't see the point in kissing more than a peck or making out if it didn't lead to orgasm. Just not a sensual person. Can easily go a week between orgasms. Always happy with a quickie, never tries to extend. Never tries new positions. Can't tell my real vs. fake orgasms.

As a woman, I feel that I am higher drive than normal because if I had a willing partner, I'd be happy with four or five times a week, a couple of them long. I think about sex many times a day. I fantasize, I self pleasure. I would like to push the kink envelope. I have spontaneous, not responsive, desire.


I am so so jealous of your DH. You sound like every man's dream. Except your husband
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:19     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a little shocked at how many people consider once a week to be average, and not low.


Depends on your age. I think that's low at 32, but at 52, I think once a week is average to maybe even a little on the high side.


Why do you say it depends on your age?
I am guessing you don't exercise.


I'm not talking personally (and yes, I lift 2X a week and run 4X a week, and once a week would be too low for me).
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:15     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a little shocked at how many people consider once a week to be average, and not low.


Depends on your age. I think that's low at 32, but at 52, I think once a week is average to maybe even a little on the high side.


Why do you say it depends on your age?
I am guessing you don't exercise.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:02     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:I'm a little shocked at how many people consider once a week to be average, and not low.


Depends on your age. I think that's low at 32, but at 52, I think once a week is average to maybe even a little on the high side.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:00     Subject: Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:High drive - anyone who wants sex more than you do
Low drive - anyone who wants sex less than you do



OP here, this is how I'm reading it in this forum, too.


Its the start of sexless marriages. No matter how often they have sex the "high drive" spouse makes the "low drive" spouse feel like it is not enough. So they try to up their game to "enough" then they "high drive" spouse says it's not passionate enough.

The high drive spouse keeps moving the goal post until the "low drive" spouse gives up trying and viola.... sexless marriage.

It's the same reason men stop doing chores, it's never enough or appreciated enough so they stop trying.


How weird. I think the low drive spouse starts this by saying, "we had 15 minute sex a week ago. Why isn't that enough?"


That's how it ends. It starts with we had s*x yesterday and the day before, why isn't that enough?
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 11:00     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
I'm a little shocked at how many people consider once a week to be average, and not low.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 10:58     Subject: Define high drive vs low drive
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:High drive - anyone who wants sex more than you do
Low drive - anyone who wants sex less than you do



OP here, this is how I'm reading it in this forum, too.


Its the start of sexless marriages. No matter how often they have sex the "high drive" spouse makes the "low drive" spouse feel like it is not enough. So they try to up their game to "enough" then they "high drive" spouse says it's not passionate enough.

The high drive spouse keeps moving the goal post until the "low drive" spouse gives up trying and viola.... sexless marriage.

It's the same reason men stop doing chores, it's never enough or appreciated enough so they stop trying.


How weird. I think the low drive spouse starts this by saying, "we had 15 minute sex a week ago. Why isn't that enough?"
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 10:56     Subject: Re:Define high drive vs low drive
I am a high drive W with a lower than average drive H.

Here's how I define it: H doesn't act like he thinks about sex at all between sessions. No sexting, no flirting in person, no ass grabbing, no explicit comments. Very early in our relationship, told me he didn't see the point in kissing more than a peck or making out if it didn't lead to orgasm. Just not a sensual person. Can easily go a week between orgasms. Always happy with a quickie, never tries to extend. Never tries new positions. Can't tell my real vs. fake orgasms.

As a woman, I feel that I am higher drive than normal because if I had a willing partner, I'd be happy with four or five times a week, a couple of them long. I think about sex many times a day. I fantasize, I self pleasure. I would like to push the kink envelope. I have spontaneous, not responsive, desire.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 10:55     Subject: Define high drive vs low drive
High drive - female while dating
Low drive - female after marriage
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2017 10:54     Subject: Define high drive vs low drive
High drive - normal male
Low drive - normal female