Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think continuing to make suggestions about covering it is counterproductive and may make her self-conscious. Don't let her think you are ashamed of the scar or think it needs to be hidden. There will be time enough for that when she cares about it.

+1 I'm the PP with the cleft-lip repair scar. My parents never made an issue of it and I think that helped me never make an issue of it. Also, don't assume she'll be teased for it -- I was teased for other things but never for my scar. It just is what it is.

OP here. Again, thanks for the feedback. Because of our experience with the surgery and normal hairstyling, I'm pretty aware of all the options available, but, to the best of my memory, I'e never brought it up to DD. I just get a lot of hair suggestions from relatives. I don't think people who haven't dealt with a scalp scar realize how tricky the hair issue can be (just like I'm sure I have a very limited understanding of a facial scar as compared to a scalp scar)

DD used to be very curious about the surgery and why she has the scar, so the story has come up, but, in those cases, maybe a total of three or four conversations in the past 3 years, she's always declined to see a doctor again. I can honestly say I don't even think about it when I see her, I'm so used to it.

DD is really so bright and confident, in that fabulous 8 year old way before puberty hits, that I was a bit saddened when she expressed stress at the way classmates were talking about her hair. It sounded like curiosity rather than bullying, but it obviously bothered her. This thing with the hat is brand new. I mean, she's always loved putting outfits together and making funky fashion choices (shorts with leggings during the winter or two different socks), but this 24 hour hat thing is new. We just got the weekly photos from camp, so it was kind of a surprise.

Hi, OP, I'm the poster with the body scars from the car accident when I was a child. The biggest lesson I learned from my parents was that my scars are part of me and that they have helped shape me. And they encouraged me to never hide. So while others may always be in cover-up mode I am out and about wearing what I want to wear. But I'm in my 50's and even now I get comments from folks who express surprise or who make comments or who ask impertinent questions or make odd suggestions. That is why it is important to come up with some response that is so instilled that your daughter never needs to search for words--they'll just naturally come out.

I am a little concerned about the hat because it represents a change in behavior and it is a "cover-up". You might want to check in with the camp and have someone do a little check with your daughter about it. Explain your request as you have here and I am sure they will completely understand. Your call probably will be the most genuinely important one they get from a parent that day!

I think you've gotten a lot of great suggestions and input from parents with your query. FWIW I was talking with my mother the other day about my childhood and scars, etc., and it was interesting to get her adult retrospective. There were several events that helped shape my experience into something positive. They were events that I always have thought had happened organically...but come to find out from my mom that, indeed, there had been a lot of planning and strategy by my parents pushing/pulling me down a path that led to my great benefit. Who knew!

It may be that when your daughter returns from camp that she may have a new attitude or ask some new questions or express some new thoughts about her hair, the scar area, etc. So, whether you go to get a tattoo yourself and the tattoo artist (prepped ahead of time) talks to your daughter who is with you about it OR whether you start going to a new hair salon and the stylist (prepped ahead of time) when your daughter accompanies you OR whether...you get the picture...continue to be as thoughtful and reflective but also as proactive as you need to be. You are doing a great job reaching out and questioning and considering your daughter's needs! Your daughter sounds lovely and best wishes to her!

Anonymous wrote:Yes to the script! Other kids will always be curious and they just say what is in their head. Her response can be as simple as " I was born this way and let's get back to out game". Teach your daughter that everyone is different. Some show it on the outside while for others, it inside. Hugs to her.

Agree with this. I have had psoriasis since I was a baby and all through my school years it was really rashy on my legs. Kids would call me "little rash girl." But I was raised to be really independent and confident so it never bothered me that kids said anything. My parents also never made it seem like any big deal which I think was key. The more you mention it or try to hide it I think the worse it'll be for her psychologically. Having psoriasis was just always my normal. This is her normal. It's skin. It's not a big deal. My best friend also had the cleft lip scar that someone else mentioned and it was the same for her. She didn't try to hide it. It was always "love me or leave me." Raise a girl who is independent and confident enough to know that this silly little scar doesn't define her.

FWIW, I occasionally would retort back, "yeah, but your face is really ugly" to let a kid know that they didn't bother me or that I wasn't going to put up with their sh*t, LOL. Maybe not the best approach but fighting back gets people off your back!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think continuing to make suggestions about covering it is counterproductive and may make her self-conscious. Don't let her think you are ashamed of the scar or think it needs to be hidden. There will be time enough for that when she cares about it.

+1 I'm the PP with the cleft-lip repair scar. My parents never made an issue of it and I think that helped me never make an issue of it. Also, don't assume she'll be teased for it -- I was teased for other things but never for my scar. It just is what it is.

OP here. Again, thanks for the feedback. Because of our experience with the surgery and normal hairstyling, I'm pretty aware of all the options available, but, to the best of my memory, I'e never brought it up to DD. I just get a lot of hair suggestions from relatives. I don't think people who haven't dealt with a scalp scar realize how tricky the hair issue can be (just like I'm sure I have a very limited understanding of a facial scar as compared to a scalp scar)

DD used to be very curious about the surgery and why she has the scar, so the story has come up, but, in those cases, maybe a total of three or four conversations in the past 3 years, she's always declined to see a doctor again. I can honestly say I don't even think about it when I see her, I'm so used to it.

DD is really so bright and confident, in that fabulous 8 year old way before puberty hits, that I was a bit saddened when she expressed stress at the way classmates were talking about her hair. It sounded like curiosity rather than bullying, but it obviously bothered her. This thing with the hat is brand new. I mean, she's always loved putting outfits together and making funky fashion choices (shorts with leggings during the winter or two different socks), but this 24 hour hat thing is new. We just got the weekly photos from camp, so it was kind of a surprise.

Anonymous wrote:I think continuing to make suggestions about covering it is counterproductive and may make her self-conscious. Don't let her think you are ashamed of the scar or think it needs to be hidden. There will be time enough for that when she cares about it.

+1 I'm the PP with the cleft-lip repair scar. My parents never made an issue of it and I think that helped me never make an issue of it. Also, don't assume she'll be teased for it -- I was teased for other things but never for my scar. It just is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP. My dd has a large port wine stain on her face. She gets a lot of curious looks. We are very open about and let people know it is her birthmark and that is doesn't hurt. We got her a stuffed animal off etsy that has a port wine stain and she loves it. We make sure we talk about openly such that she will not be conscious or ashamed of it. I think the more you say...this is who you are, it is cool, and anyone who is not nice about has bigger issues...like not being a nice person in general.

My son also has a large PWS on his face. Are you part of the facebook group?

Anonymous wrote:I think continuing to make suggestions about covering it is counterproductive and may make her self-conscious. Don't let her think you are ashamed of the scar or think it needs to be hidden. There will be time enough for that when she cares about it.

Totally agree. My son has Alopecia. He lost all his hair when he was 8. He's now 11 and the following things have been most helpful to him (and ME).
1) A therapist made it very clear to me that I needed to give him control whenever possible. He can't control how he looks but he should be able to control when he wears a hat, when he doesn't, how he explains it to ppl etc.

2) PPL who grew up with alopecia and spent a lot of time with their families trying to "fix" them report that they got the message that they were "broken." So you must be vigilant that your efforts to help and protect your DD do not send the message that there is anything wrong with being different.

3) the school counselor emphasized to my son that his classmates are struggling with lots of differences that are not visible. He may feel like he stands out but others feel the same way because they are dyslexic, ADHD, ESOL, have trouble making friends, very shy, very short, wear leg braces, have freckles, need OT, need speech therapy, are unathletic etc. Recognizing this is a good way to build compassion and not feel so isolated. As a parent--don't shy away from talking about peoples differences, help your kid notice them in a observant, non-judgmental way.

4) by discussing #3, my son realized that everybody is "weird" and the corollary is of course that there is no "normal"

5) I found several books very helpful in that they had main characters that had a visible difference or disability but they overcame their challenges or learned to cope with them. Consider reading the following titles out loud to your DD: Wonder by R.J.Palacio; Freak the Mighty by Rodman Philbrick; Mockingbird by Kathryn Erskine; Losing It by Erin Fry. Some of these are geared toward late ES or MS because they deal with tough issues with kids facing real challenges. I have found that my Son loves this type of book.

Book for you. David and Goliath by Malcom Gladwell. This book documents how adversity and challenges are a benefit in life! It really helped me with my own anxiety.

6) Don't hesitate to seek input from a therapist. My son definitely had some anxiety (I had a lot). A few sessions were very helpful. I probably needed it more than he did. But, we both benefited. Just me telling him--"I don't know how you should best handle this, lets go talk to an expert who knows more than I do about things like this" made him feel supported.

Hang in there. I know how hard this is. I lost A LOT of sleep when my son was struggling and now it's just who he is an it doesn't define him. Your DD's scar won't define her either, it will just make her unique. Embrace that!!

Yes to the script! Other kids will always be curious and they just say what is in their head. Her response can be as simple as " I was born this way and let's get back to out game". Teach your daughter that everyone is different. Some show it on the outside while for others, it inside. Hugs to her.

I have a scar from a fall before I was even a year old that is the part in my hair now. As I got older it seemed smaller and is hard to notice now. But I have thick curly hair, and my curls pretty much covered it when I was little. Maybe when she is older a curly hair style might be possible. Also, when I had long hair and my mom would pull it back into a half-pony and that totally covered it.

Anonymous wrote:I think continuing to make suggestions about covering it is counterproductive and may make her self-conscious. Don't let her think you are ashamed of the scar or think it needs to be hidden. There will be time enough for that when she cares about it.

Different poster. Agreed. But the child already is herself trying to cover it up by wearing a ballcap at night while in her jammies on a camp trip. So it is time for some positive change that will make it less obvious or to help the child feel less self-conscious. Which is why posters are offering suggestions.

I have facial scars that was new/prominent when I was tween. I was mauled by a dog just before starting 7th grade; the dog ripped one side of my lower lip and punctured the other. My 7th grade school photos are really awful (esp since I'd just chopped my hair short and I had crooked teeth!)

I remember being traumatized by the experience and hating the way I looked, but I don't recall a lot of harassment at school. Over time the scars faded significantly. My parents let me be the guide on how to handle it - we did annual visits to a plastic surgeon to determine if further surgeries would improve the larger scar. It's not unnoticeable but it has never once been the first thing I think about or the first thing people would use to describe.

I think continuing to make suggestions about covering it is counterproductive and may make her self-conscious. Don't let her think you are ashamed of the scar or think it needs to be hidden. There will be time enough for that when she cares about it.

Reality is kids are mean and she will be teased by it. Not much you can do. You can give her scripts but its only going to make things worse. Just be supportive and listen. Don't try to fix it in less she asks. I have scars on my face and was teased constantly and given a hard time. It didn't get better until college and by then the damage had been done and I have always kept to myself.

Anonymous wrote:I feel you OP. My dd has a large port wine stain on her face. She gets a lot of curious looks. We are very open about and let people know it is her birthmark and that is doesn't hurt. We got her a stuffed animal off etsy that has a port wine stain and she loves it. We make sure we talk about openly such that she will not be conscious or ashamed of it. I think the more you say...this is who you are, it is cool, and anyone who is not nice about has bigger issues...like not being a nice person in general.

Sorry...the more you talk about it in a normalizing way the better. I do treat her stain as an accessory and get barrettes and clothes that match and tell her how nicely it brings the color out. It is who she is and I never want her to be ashamed

I feel you OP. My dd has a large port wine stain on her face. She gets a lot of curious looks. We are very open about and let people know it is her birthmark and that is doesn't hurt. We got her a stuffed animal off etsy that has a port wine stain and she loves it. We make sure we talk about openly such that she will not be conscious or ashamed of it. I think the more you say...this is who you are, it is cool, and anyone who is not nice about has bigger issues...like not being a nice person in general.

OP here. Thanks all for the suggestions!

DD is /extremely stubborn/ about everything, and she is very attached to her long hair and styling it herself. So, maybe there is a better style to cover, but she won't hear of it, and I really don't want to make a huge deal about exploring/pushing that.

I love the ideas of a script. We can practice that next time its comes up. I had read about tattoos as well, just hadn't seriously considered it, but we might when she's an older teen and can make a more informed decision. I love the spray color idea as well.