Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 19:19     Subject: Re:Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:I would not attend a wedding that demanded no children. But I will buy a gift and say "Sorry, I couldn't make it."


I am not sure why they thought a nasty e-mail was a good idea. They will probably bring drama. But they are family, so give it another shot.





agreed. something is off with people that do this.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 19:16     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:I never had a good relationship with my only brother, we didn't care much about each other when we were kids. A few years ago I was getting married, I decided "what the heck, I'll invite him to the wedding. Sure, we only talk on each other's birthdays, but what the heck?" Now our invitation said "no children" and my fiance and I really meant "no children." Brother and SIL threw a huge tantrum, saying that I was mean and I was only excluding their three children. Who, may I add, at that time were all under the age of 5. DH's nieces and nephews also were "excluded" but no one had a fit and parents were very understanding. This was a destination wedding, relatively small. They ended up not coming, sent me a really mean nastygram via e-mail, so I blocked them from our lives.

Couples months ago DH and I had our first child. For whatever reason, my parents told my brother. Out of the blue, SIL writes me this very sugar-y e-mail saying how much she has missed "us" and that the children cannot wait to meet their new sibling. No apologies whatsoever for the nastygram they sent us. Now I haven't talked to these people in 6 years. We did a good job avoiding each other at family gatherings. Their children don't say hello to me when I visit my parents. So I am trying to understand the mentality of "why now? why do you want to meet my child?" Who are these self-entitled people?

Sorry for the vent.



I would stay away also. From you and your influence. A wedding is usually a family affair. Having a destination wedding screams low class bad taste.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 15:42     Subject: Re:Cut off relatives want to "come back"
OP, your anger is with your brother but you say your SIL wrote the peace offering letter. I don't suppose there's any way you can imagine your brother's wife never felt as your brother did.

You come off as still pretty angry and not open mending anything. If you can't determine any value in changing the relationship, write her back and say so.

Just consider she may have her own reasons for reaching out. Like maybe she can't cut off her husband the way you did your brother and she's looking for support for herself and her kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 15:35     Subject: Re:Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:I would not attend a wedding that demanded no children. But I will buy a gift and say "Sorry, I couldn't make it."


I am not sure why they thought a nasty e-mail was a good idea. They will probably bring drama. But they are family, so give it another shot.




I would do this but they may have been getting pressure from OP or grandparents to come. Destination weddings are very selfish. They are cheaper for the bride and groom but very expensive for others. Its not reasonable to expect people to get a sitter for a few days (not a few hours), flight, hotel, clothing and food. OP doesn't get it as she doesn't have kids yet. If grandparents are going, no one to watch the kids.

OP, what would you plan as a parent be to go to an out of the country destination wedding with your family and leave your child at home?
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 14:58     Subject: Re:Cut off relatives want to "come back"
We had friends who had a situation like this.

Your nieces and nephews are a little older now. What happened with our friends was that their kids called them on it – hey, how come we never see Aunt Glenda and Uncle Ralph? They also were tickled at the prospect of a baby cousin.

Our friends swallowed it and did it for the sake of their kids, who wanted the relationship with their cousins and aunt and uncle. And it actually all turned out OK.

Try it. It can't go any worse than it already has, and you have to see these people maybe once or twice a year. FWIW, six years is a big difference – you might even like your nieces and nephews better now that they are older.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 14:49     Subject: Re:Cut off relatives want to "come back"
OP, you have done just as much wrong (if not more) than your brother. You can continue this pattern of hateful behavior and pat yourself on the back for it. Or you can grow the f up and realize that family is more important than the fact that you got your feelings hurt by an email six years ago. What a terrible, awkward position you are putting your parents in, btw.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 14:09     Subject: Re:Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:I would not attend a wedding that demanded no children. But I will buy a gift and say "Sorry, I couldn't make it."


I am not sure why they thought a nasty e-mail was a good idea. They will probably bring drama. But they are family, so give it another shot.




I would not, drama once is drama again.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 14:08     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:Op cares enough to write this

Odd family


It's a vent.
Anonymous
Post 06/17/2017 01:19     Subject: Re:Cut off relatives want to "come back"
I would not attend a wedding that demanded no children. But I will buy a gift and say "Sorry, I couldn't make it."


I am not sure why they thought a nasty e-mail was a good idea. They will probably bring drama. But they are family, so give it another shot.


Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 17:53     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I never had a good relationship with my only brother, we didn't care much about each other when we were kids. A few years ago I was getting married, I decided "what the heck, I'll invite him to the wedding. Sure, we only talk on each other's birthdays, but what the heck?" Now our invitation said "no children" and my fiance and I really meant "no children." Brother and SIL threw a huge tantrum, saying that I was mean and I was only excluding their three children. Who, may I add, at that time were all under the age of 5. DH's nieces and nephews also were "excluded" but no one had a fit and parents were very understanding. This was a destination wedding, relatively small. They ended up not coming, sent me a really mean nastygram via e-mail, so I blocked them from our lives.

Couples months ago DH and I had our first child. For whatever reason, my parents told my brother. Out of the blue, SIL writes me this very sugar-y e-mail saying how much she has missed "us" and that the children cannot wait to meet their new sibling. No apologies whatsoever for the nastygram they sent us. Now I haven't talked to these people in 6 years. We did a good job avoiding each other at family gatherings. Their children don't say hello to me when I visit my parents. So I am trying to understand the mentality of "why now? why do you want to meet my child?" Who are these self-entitled people?

Sorry for the vent.




Honestly, it sounds like you are all a bunch of children. Grow up.



+1

"For whatever reason, my parents told my brother" - Um were you expecting them to keep it w a secret for your whole life?


+2
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 17:29     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Perhaps they are just relatives whose views have softened with the passage of time.

OP, you only have one family, and you only have one shot at the life you have. As a favor to your own family, and to your brother's family, why not try to bring them into your life?


OP: because they are self-entitled and selfish people. They only think about their convenience and how they appear to the public. Do you know why they threw a fit about their kids not being in the wedding? "What would OUR friends think?" I visit our parents all the time. They are frequently there at family gatherings. Not once, in 6 years, has either my brother or SIL, let alone their "well-mannered" children said as much as a hello to me. They either look away or stare into their phones. Why I would someone like that near my child?



Do you say hello to them, and they really just ignore you? Or do you not say hello, and then they don't say hello, and its just awkward for everyone?
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 17:28     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She's offering an olive branch. You can choose to accept it, or go on living with your grudge.

Frankly, when I'm going to be seeing people again and again over the course of the next few decades, I try to mend fences. It makes the experiences more enjoyable.


This. Just be civil. You don't have to be best friends.


Right? You don't have to become best friends and upend your lives to include them. You can just be polite and civil and stop letting something that happened six years ago define your family relationships. Yes, they were jerks, but you seem to have overreacted, too. Grow up, let it go.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 17:25     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I never had a good relationship with my only brother, we didn't care much about each other when we were kids. A few years ago I was getting married, I decided "what the heck, I'll invite him to the wedding. Sure, we only talk on each other's birthdays, but what the heck?" Now our invitation said "no children" and my fiance and I really meant "no children." Brother and SIL threw a huge tantrum, saying that I was mean and I was only excluding their three children. Who, may I add, at that time were all under the age of 5. DH's nieces and nephews also were "excluded" but no one had a fit and parents were very understanding. This was a destination wedding, relatively small. They ended up not coming, sent me a really mean nastygram via e-mail, so I blocked them from our lives.

Couples months ago DH and I had our first child. For whatever reason, my parents told my brother. Out of the blue, SIL writes me this very sugar-y e-mail saying how much she has missed "us" and that the children cannot wait to meet their new sibling. No apologies whatsoever for the nastygram they sent us. Now I haven't talked to these people in 6 years. We did a good job avoiding each other at family gatherings. Their children don't say hello to me when I visit my parents. So I am trying to understand the mentality of "why now? why do you want to meet my child?" Who are these self-entitled people?

Sorry for the vent.




Honestly, it sounds like you are all a bunch of children. Grow up.



+1

"For whatever reason, my parents told my brother" - Um were you expecting them to keep it w a secret for your whole life?


That jumped out at me, too. Of course your parents told your brother that you had a baby. Seriously.

OP, it sounds like whatever these people do, you are going to interpret it in the most negative light possible. Maybe your SIL was just writing a nice congratulatory note. Maybe her kids really are excited at the idea of having a cousin. But your presence isn't some giant gift that people feel "entitled" to. Really, get over yourself. She was just being polite. You, on the other hand, cut your brother and his family out of your life over one incident. And held a grudge for years. Probably no one else even remembers your wedding. Either respond politely or let it go, but get over yourself.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 17:14     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
You should have allowed your nieces and nephews to come.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 17:12     Subject: Cut off relatives want to "come back"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have relatives like this. Some changes for the better, some didn't.

They want their children to have relationships with their cousins.


Tbf a destination wedding where immediate family kids are not allowed really sucks. Were they supposed to leave their children with strangers?

Of course the nasty gram was unwarranted, but I wouldn't bring it up. Keep your expectations very low and if they cross a line, leave.


In that situation, normal people graciously decline and simply send a gift. It should not be a big deal.


PP you quoted. I agree. The nasty note was unacceptable. But having been on the receiving end of unwarranted nastygrams, I can say it's not worth rehashing that with the type of people who think it's okay to send such messages.