Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Same here. She's a lovely, sweet person and a doting grandmother. Who never stops talking. It literally gives me a headache when we visit them, because she and my FIL just talk, and talk, and talk....God forbid there is a moment of silence. I make conversation with her as much as I can stand, but there's only so much I can take. We just have very little in common.

Did I write this? Honestly, I think DH married me because I'm not a talker. Sometimes we'll be sitting at dinner with them and DH will just say, "Mom. No one else has said a word in the last 10 minutes. Literally. This is a lecture, not a conversation."

She's a HS teacher, so I get that she often has one-sided conversations, but it's unreal.

Distance, actual physical distance.

Blames me for her son not moving home despite the fact that I moved here to be with him and it's his job that tethers us here. It's not like my family is here.

She never had daughters and seems to have no idea how to relate to daughters (my other SIL reports the same) and has some notion in her head of what women our age are like and can't veer from that.

She's never had any interest in me, personally. Like, if you knew me at all, you know I have acid reflux disease and therefore can't eat spicy food. She'll announce she made spicy gumbo for dinner when we visit. On the other hand, if she visited our house and I deigned to serve her something she didn't like (just a preference, not a health issue) I'd never hear the end of it.

Refusal to butt out when things aren't her business. Like, when we first got married we lived in an apartment just a block from the Metro. We were young, in our first jobs, and didn't have much money. She could not understand why we didn't have a car or a house so they could visit and stay with us and every other day an envelope would arrive with a car add or a house listing, extolling the virtues of the car/house.

She's a sweet lady and generally very nice to everybody. But 90% of the time she likes to talk about religion and people she knows. Her political views are also the complete opposite of mine.

MIL is very quiet, somewhat passive, and very sensitive. We communicate in very different ways. She asks no questions of me, the kids or my DH, so it feels like she doesn't care. She doesn't call the kids, doesn't ask to visit, doesn't ask to FaceTime - nothing. When she is with the kids, she doesn't ask to play with them or engage them. She will feed them, watch TV with them, or do anything that allows her to sit (she is hugely overweight). She just is so different from my own mom that is very hard for me to feel like she cares about our family, even though I know she really does.

Anonymous wrote:We see life very differently. I do think she is a good person who loves DH, me and our kids. She is hard to be with because she brings every topic back to center on herself. It's tiring to engage with her because she needs constant affirmation about how wonderful and smart she is, and if she thinks you are fully paying attention to her, she gets insulted. She also holds some options about religion, climate change and feminism that I very strongly disagree with (and she knows this), and yet she won't stop bringing up those topics, even though I always try to politely change the topic to keep things light (which again seems to insult her).

-- should be aren't fully paying attention to her, she gets insulted.

Anonymous wrote:My first MIL was awesome - inclusive, sweet, tough (but kind to me) - the kind of person you want on your side (nothing arbitrary about her, you knew where she stood on what, and she always picked your side, convincingly); fun, funny, enjoyed life to its fullest. Unbelievable kind and happy spirit, in spite of her tough life. We enjoyed a lot of the same things, were always together, and had a lot of laughs together. She was a kind, very funny, warm hearted, very kind spirited, accomplished and wise individual. She brought the family together not out of obligation ("another annual beach week, whoopee") - but because people really wanted to be with her. She was all about celebration, mutual respect, fun and positivity. Everything was more fun with her, and nothing was ever a chore (for her or us). I really miss her. She died a few years ago (we were still in touch), sadly.

I felt like she was someone I would have picked, given a choice, and was very much a part of the family, immediately. She would be the type to call you over in a whisper and ask for your opinion, even if she had it all figured out, she wanted you to feel trusted and appreciated, as if you were consistently part of the big picture. She was a career woman and set an amazing example for her daughter (who also treated me like I had always been part of the family - very telling!) She was afraid of NO ONE, and you knew it. She used her powers for good, always

Fast forward to current IL's - insular, bitter, cold, calculating - its all about them. If you enjoy something, they will find a way to pee on it. 180 degree change for the worst! MIL feels like she had it so bad, and wants anyone "new" (DH or me, in this case) to "feel" it. Bitter, no sense of humor, no sense of fun. FIL was the same way, and never home, because he did not like MIL as a person at all. She is always discombobulated about something. Kind of a train wreck.

I think when I came into the family, she saw me as some sort of threat (which is laughable - it was just because I was from a very different culture and background). She made it clear that whatever she does is not for me; though lately she has been trying to act as though she has somehow been doing me favors, even though it is very clearly for DH. Bizarre. I definitely would never ask her for anything, because I know the response already. Once bitten, as they say...

Just not a nice person. Has some weird arbitrary point to prove. Has to be complaining about someone to fit in with her gossipy bridge friends. Instead of saying "I am proud of one of my sons for finding such a nice girl...." (The other sons will not marry - wonder why. LOL.) Anything. Sorry, I could go on...I have tried and it is just not worth her passive aggressive, hateful ways. Thanks for the vent.

This sounds exactly like my mother, who was one in a million. I miss her terribly and am grateful to have been raised by her. Sounds like you were indeed blessed to have her as your MIL.

We see life very differently. I do think she is a good person who loves DH, me and our kids. She is hard to be with because she brings every topic back to center on herself. It's tiring to engage with her because she needs constant affirmation about how wonderful and smart she is, and if she thinks you are fully paying attention to her, she gets insulted. She also holds some options about religion, climate change and feminism that I very strongly disagree with (and she knows this), and yet she won't stop bringing up those topics, even though I always try to politely change the topic to keep things light (which again seems to insult her).

Anonymous wrote:We don't speak the same language

JACKPOT!!!

Mine is very similar to Marie Barone of Everyone Loves Raymond. She's Italian, from NJ and loves her sons. She's very disapproving and critical. She encourages the kids to break house rules which I completely don't understand. It's so chaotic when she comes to visit and it makes me sad. I wish it wasn't like that.

We don't speak the same language

Mix in favoritism to the grandchildren, and to hell with the old bitty. LOL.

My first MIL was awesome - inclusive, sweet, tough (but kind to me) - the kind of person you want on your side (nothing arbitrary about her, you knew where she stood on what, and she always picked your side, convincingly); fun, funny, enjoyed life to its fullest. Unbelievable kind and happy spirit, in spite of her tough life. We enjoyed a lot of the same things, were always together, and had a lot of laughs together. She was a kind, very funny, warm hearted, very kind spirited, accomplished and wise individual. She brought the family together not out of obligation ("another annual beach week, whoopee") - but because people really wanted to be with her. She was all about celebration, mutual respect, fun and positivity. Everything was more fun with her, and nothing was ever a chore (for her or us). I really miss her. She died a few years ago (we were still in touch), sadly.

I felt like she was someone I would have picked, given a choice, and was very much a part of the family, immediately. She would be the type to call you over in a whisper and ask for your opinion, even if she had it all figured out, she wanted you to feel trusted and appreciated, as if you were consistently part of the big picture. She was a career woman and set an amazing example for her daughter (who also treated me like I had always been part of the family - very telling!) She was afraid of NO ONE, and you knew it. She used her powers for good, always

Fast forward to current IL's - insular, bitter, cold, calculating - its all about them. If you enjoy something, they will find a way to pee on it. 180 degree change for the worst! MIL feels like she had it so bad, and wants anyone "new" (DH or me, in this case) to "feel" it. Bitter, no sense of humor, no sense of fun. FIL was the same way, and never home, because he did not like MIL as a person at all. She is always discombobulated about something. Kind of a train wreck.

I think when I came into the family, she saw me as some sort of threat (which is laughable - it was just because I was from a very different culture and background). She made it clear that whatever she does is not for me; though lately she has been trying to act as though she has somehow been doing me favors, even though it is very clearly for DH. Bizarre. I definitely would never ask her for anything, because I know the response already. Once bitten, as they say...

Just not a nice person. Has some weird arbitrary point to prove. Has to be complaining about someone to fit in with her gossipy bridge friends. Instead of saying "I am proud of one of my sons for finding such a nice girl...." (The other sons will not marry - wonder why. LOL.) Anything. Sorry, I could go on...I have tried and it is just not worth her passive aggressive, hateful ways. Thanks for the vent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

I feel like she judges me. I have actually heard her make snide comments when she thought I was not there.

Also, she always makes my husband give her SPECIFIC ideas for my birthday and Christmas gifts. As if, "I don't want to be bothered getting to know her and actually put effort into thinking about what my DIL will want as a gift."

Whoa, you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder. She's just trying to get you something you'd like as a gift. A lot of people ask for specific gift suggestions. If she gets you the wrong thing, you'll complain that she's trying to insult you or doesn't care what you like, etc. She can't win with you.

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

I feel like she judges me. I have actually heard her make snide comments when she thought I was not there.

Also, she always makes my husband give her SPECIFIC ideas for my birthday and Christmas gifts. As if, "I don't want to be bothered getting to know her and actually put effort into thinking about what my DIL will want as a gift."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Same here.

Same here. Nothing wrong with it. We're both polite and friendly, just not close.

+1. Compound this with the fact that she also has a tendency to get VERY passive-aggressive or dramatic when things don't go her way (e.g., declined her offer to buy a decorative item for the wedding: "FINE, I won't offer ANY help anymore!!!"; cancelling a planned weekend visit to see her & FIL when both had been bedridden with flu for a week "sent [her] in to a downward spiral") and she's just not someone to whom I want to devote any more time or energy than absolutely necessary.