Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 12:31     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm not understanding how this is a "push-pull" dynamic. Is this the first time you've felt him retreat a bit? And it's in stark contrast to how he's been? It's hard to know if this is rooted in your insecurity or if he's one of those guys who comes on strong, then backs off.

Just take this time away to get centered again, and focused on yourself. You said your peace, and the ball
Is in his court.


^^ meant - said your piece
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 12:30     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
I guess I'm not understanding how this is a "push-pull" dynamic. Is this the first time you've felt him retreat a bit? And it's in stark contrast to how he's been? It's hard to know if this is rooted in your insecurity or if he's one of those guys who comes on strong, then backs off.

Just take this time away to get centered again, and focused on yourself. You said your peace, and the ball
Is in his court.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 12:25     Subject: Re:3 mos in, are we done?
OP, listen to and trust your gut, it will serve you well. The good parts of this relationship feel good but the bad parts should not be ignored. I get a feeling from your post that he does not respect boundaries and bulldozes over you and when he gets resistance he pouts. And this guy is 50?!? Have you considered that he manipulated you into coming over because he knows your emotional nature? I mean he cancelled the plans right? Your mistake was heading over there after that. I would let this relationship fizzle.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 12:17     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom with one child; 5 yo. Her dad travels extensively so she's with me 100% of the time. We divorced when she was an infant but have a decent relationship. I've never made dating a priority because of my focus on raising my child. But months ago I was introduced to a mutual friend and for the first time in five years, entered into a relationship. He is 10 years older than me, two grown kids in college. And at first it was pretty amazing. I had forgotten what it was like to enjoy myself, go for walks, and have an awesome physical relationship with someone. I am by nature a cautious person, and have taken my time. Accordingly he has not met my daughter and I have no plans to introduce them immediately. For his part however he has come out of the gate pretty fast. Wanted to introduce me to his children, told me he loved me, even talked about wanting to have another baby. All of that is flattering but I need time and consistency to trust someone. We've had a few issues regarding scheduling, I have a very flexible nanny who allows me to have some free time to see him. But admittedly we are always on my schedule because of the constraints of me having a small child. Last night I had plans to go over to his house as we are both leaving for separate trips this morning. I had dinner with friends earlier, then got a text message from him at 9:30 PM telling me he felt ill and will talk to me tomorrow. I was hurt because we were supposed to see each other pre-trip. I asked him if I should still come say hello since we are departing separately and leaving the next day, he said yes. I did, but he seemed quite apathetic about me being there. Yes he had a cold, but it seemed odd to cancel our plans (sex, basically) for that reason. I expressed confusion about that, he got irritated, and I ended up leaving. I called when I got home to try to talk it out and he let it go to voicemail.

I'm sad that I handled things childishly and shouldn't have walked out in the middle of an argument, but i've been unsettled by what I feel is a push pull dynamic between the two of us. I need something that progresses slowly and goes somewhere authentic and I feel like he has rushed the relationship early and now is dialing back. And although I know I shouldn't have walked out in the middle of an argument, I feel like it bodes poorly that he didn't answer my call. We both talked about how we don't believe in going to bed angry and that seem to contradict that.


1. It has been three months. You are not "taking it slowly" if you are this deeply invested after 12 weeks.
2. Red flags for control and possible abuse: Him wanting to introduce you to his children, telling you he loves you, talking about wanting to have another baby. You are forewarned and should be forearmed.
3. He had a cold and didn't want to see you, or have sex. That is not a comment on you as a person. Simmer down.

This sounds like a bad situation all around to me.


Just wanted to say that I disagree with this. I know people that have gotten married after 3 months dating, and they've been happy for decades. Particularly when people are older, sometimes it's just easier to know that the fit is right. And introducing someone to your ADULT children after 3 months doesn't seem weird to me either, particularly if they are home visiting and won't be home for another several months. And the baby thing might be just his way of saying that he's open to that .... a lot of 50 year old guys with adults kids are NOT open to that, and it might be a deal breaker for a woman that is late '30s with only a year or two to make up her mind on that particular question. So, with all of this, I'd say .... if he's very persistent in the face of you saying "uhhhhh....." in response, that's a red flag. If it's just the sort of thing he has mentioned once or twice casually (like, you see a cute baby at a store and he says "I'd sort of like another baby. I bet we'd make cute babies together!"), I do NOT think it's a red flag for abuse.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 12:05     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lots of relationships fall apart around 3 - 4 months.


Everybody loves everybody 3-4 months in. After 6 mths is when it gets off the runway.


This is so true!
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 11:44     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
3 mos in, are we done? Yes, because you let your crazy flag fly.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 10:46     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Anonymous wrote:Lots of relationships fall apart around 3 - 4 months.


Everybody loves everybody 3-4 months in. After 6 mths is when it gets off the runway.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 10:42     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
OP here, I sent this text:

"Re last night: I apologize. I am confused about what happened but I handled myself poorly and didn't contribute to a healthy conversation. I don't like drama and agree that not only is our time limited, but life is too short for bullshit. I should have allowed us both to have space and I let insecurity get the best of me. Sorry about that. Letting someone inside my heart is still new to me. I hope you feel better and have a good trip."

oing to back away from it all and try to re-center a bit. Thanks for the help.

Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 10:06     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
So you're trying to slow things down. He's not feeling well and has a trip coming up, and he's mature enough to tell you that he's not feeling well and will see you in a few days. Days! You amp up and head over there and leave in a huff when he's acting all, well, sick. Yet you say he's moving too fast and is too intense...

Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 09:44     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
I'd hang on to him. Apologize for whatever you're reflecting on today/ finding wrong in your behavior. Do the apology right--no excuses and no expectations.

I've been there, so I'm not saying you're alone here. I've been the one who gets a little needy on a particular day. In your case, I think the separate trips were on your mind.. and you let that cloud your thoughts. It wouldn't have been a big deal to miss seeing each other or to have a pleasant quick goodbye. Insisting on hanging out is where you got needy.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 09:44     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: OP here. I wasn't upset that we didn't have sex. I was hurt and confused by what I thought were mixed signals. When someone says "I love you and want to have a baby with you" but then turns around and says "I won't see you for five days but I'll just talk to you tomorrow" it leaves me not knowing where we stand. As I mentioned I haven't dated in several years and I'm just trying to take a recent approach. I like this person a lot but I need to work at a pace I can handle. Three months is not a long time.


You are right in your thinking OP and the rest of the posters are just dense.

The tip off was he barely knew you but started talking about weeding, new baby, etc. I went out with a few guys like is and it's basically they just get all excited and love the beginning of relationships and that's about it. So after the newness wears off, they pull back and things get rocky. They move smooth over after a couple months but it is just as likely they won't.


I worry about this too
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 09:32     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Well, I guess I'm taking it slowly relative to him. He wanted to meet my family, I'd like to give it some time. He wanted me to meet his kids when they came home for the summer, I offered that they probably only care that he's happy, and to tell them all about us if he wants. But they just don't need to meet me after only 12 weeks. Of course I'd like to meet them eventually. We need to get further along though.

So I'm trying to pump the brakes. But am I invested? Sure. I guess it's hard to hold back emotionally; I've missed companionship, holding hands, etc. Great sex doesn't hurt either. I'm talking simple stuff. That's what happiness is for me. Not so much grand gestures. I'm 39 and he's 50; I figure we're too old for that stuff anyway.

To the posters calling me batshit, look I'm not proud of my behavior last night. I don't enjoy that kind of thing, and I agree I let insecurity get the best of me. It's just hard not to feel discouraged. I'm in the best shape of my life, financially independent, and have a great kid with a no-drama ex. I'd like to share my life with someone. But perhaps he's not that guy. Anyway thanks for the perspective.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 08:45     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom with one child; 5 yo. Her dad travels extensively so she's with me 100% of the time. We divorced when she was an infant but have a decent relationship. I've never made dating a priority because of my focus on raising my child. But months ago I was introduced to a mutual friend and for the first time in five years, entered into a relationship. He is 10 years older than me, two grown kids in college. And at first it was pretty amazing. I had forgotten what it was like to enjoy myself, go for walks, and have an awesome physical relationship with someone. I am by nature a cautious person, and have taken my time. Accordingly he has not met my daughter and I have no plans to introduce them immediately. For his part however he has come out of the gate pretty fast. Wanted to introduce me to his children, told me he loved me, even talked about wanting to have another baby. All of that is flattering but I need time and consistency to trust someone. We've had a few issues regarding scheduling, I have a very flexible nanny who allows me to have some free time to see him. But admittedly we are always on my schedule because of the constraints of me having a small child. Last night I had plans to go over to his house as we are both leaving for separate trips this morning. I had dinner with friends earlier, then got a text message from him at 9:30 PM telling me he felt ill and will talk to me tomorrow. I was hurt because we were supposed to see each other pre-trip. I asked him if I should still come say hello since we are departing separately and leaving the next day, he said yes. I did, but he seemed quite apathetic about me being there. Yes he had a cold, but it seemed odd to cancel our plans (sex, basically) for that reason. I expressed confusion about that, he got irritated, and I ended up leaving. I called when I got home to try to talk it out and he let it go to voicemail.

I'm sad that I handled things childishly and shouldn't have walked out in the middle of an argument, but i've been unsettled by what I feel is a push pull dynamic between the two of us. I need something that progresses slowly and goes somewhere authentic and I feel like he has rushed the relationship early and now is dialing back. And although I know I shouldn't have walked out in the middle of an argument, I feel like it bodes poorly that he didn't answer my call. We both talked about how we don't believe in going to bed angry and that seem to contradict that.


1. It has been three months. You are not "taking it slowly" if you are this deeply invested after 12 weeks.
2. Red flags for control and possible abuse: Him wanting to introduce you to his children, telling you he loves you, talking about wanting to have another baby. You are forewarned and should be forearmed.
3. He had a cold and didn't want to see you, or have sex. That is not a comment on you as a person. Simmer down.

This sounds like a bad situation all around to me.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 08:33     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
Anonymous wrote: OP here. I wasn't upset that we didn't have sex. I was hurt and confused by what I thought were mixed signals. When someone says "I love you and want to have a baby with you" but then turns around and says "I won't see you for five days but I'll just talk to you tomorrow" it leaves me not knowing where we stand. As I mentioned I haven't dated in several years and I'm just trying to take a recent approach. I like this person a lot but I need to work at a pace I can handle. Three months is not a long time.


You are right in your thinking OP and the rest of the posters are just dense.

The tip off was he barely knew you but started talking about weeding, new baby, etc. I went out with a few guys like is and it's basically they just get all excited and love the beginning of relationships and that's about it. So after the newness wears off, they pull back and things get rocky. They move smooth over after a couple months but it is just as likely they won't.
Anonymous
Post 06/16/2017 08:29     Subject: 3 mos in, are we done?
pp 8.28 here.. Also, a man that age will likely not get a younger woman like you. He's going nowhere. Just give him his space and everything will be fine.