This relationship won't make it.

I'm concerned that he doesn't listen to you. This is a really bad sign. You're young, it's your body, and your choice, since you're the one risking your life and who will undergo the big life changes. This should be a decision you make together, both listening to the other, and finding a good compromise.

Do not give in. And keep in mind that people often clamor to have a baby at the point when they're subconsciously realizing things aren't working out in the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Be honest but set some concrete goals that you want to accomplish beforehand. Tell your husband that you will feel ready when goals are met. This way it will feel like you are moving a forward instead of just waiting for the heck of it.

I agree with this. Get an emergency fund built. Buy a house/move if you're going to. Pay off student loans. Those are all steps on the way to having a solid foundation for a family - especially one where you're bringing in multiple children.

FWIW, I got an IUD and told DH that we could try when it was time to have it removed. 5 years later we are in a good place financially, our relationship is great, and we have settled into our careers and understand what our future looks like. I'm much more confident going into kids now than I was 5 years ago fresh out of grad school.

Be honest but set some concrete goals that you want to accomplish beforehand. Tell your husband that you will feel ready when goals are met. This way it will feel like you are moving a forward instead of just waiting for the heck of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting a vasectomy and staying on the pill are two totally different things. She can stop the pill whenever she wants. It's her body. Are you or are you not advocates of abortion? From what I've read, the majority of you are. The woman's body, the woman's choice, right? Don't advocate a double standard.

What double standard? Neither partner should lie about reproductive issues, period.

+1. Be upfront with your position and continue taking your pills.

Is he getting pressure from his mom to produce a grandchild? My DH pushed for kids really soon after marriage before I thought I was ready. His mother's only goal in life was to have a grandchild to show off -- I thought she was actually going to take my oldest home with her from one visit she was so inconsolable to leave

Either he's the golden child that's going to come up with the first one, or he needs to outdo the other sibs and shift the focus to him for a while

So women DO lie...hmmm

Answer this question: what if the roles were reversed and you were in his shoes? How would you feel when you found out?

Anonymous wrote:Getting a vasectomy and staying on the pill are two totally different things. She can stop the pill whenever she wants. It's her body. Are you or are you not advocates of abortion? From what I've read, the majority of you are. The woman's body, the woman's choice, right? Don't advocate a double standard.

What double standard? Neither partner should lie about reproductive issues, period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the deception is pretty awful. Not being ready is fine, but the constant lying and letting him get his hopes up for something he wants is not.

Reverse the situation. What if your DH got a vasectomy before you are ready but didn't tell you and you spent 6 months to a year trying to have a baby? Wouldn't you be livid about the lie?

100% this.

You're in trouble if you guys can't be honest with each other.

But that's not the same situation. A vasectomy (most of the time!) is permanent. Op wants to have children, but just not yet. A guy getting a vasectomy just shuts down the whole process. It's not like she got her tubes tied and didn't tell him.

PP here. If there were temporary male birth control, I would have used that as an example. Is OP or is OP not engaging in a long, involved lie to her DH as opposed to communicating with him? That is the point of the analogy, not the permanence of the birth control method.

OP-- if you can't talk honestly about when to have kids and come to an agreement-- don't have kids. No-- I don't think you are terrible. But I do think the fact you can't talk to your husband about this hand have to lie shows a serious problem with your relationship. One that you need to deal with before having kids.

Plus-- kids need to be a mutual decision. Being forced into parenthood is a recipie for a lot of resentment.

Find a marriage counselor and get on the same page. Don't keep lying. And don't stop the pill.

Do not bring a child into a relationship that lacks the fundamental ability to have a discussion.

Talk to him. If one of you is ready to try for a child and the other is not, then frankly, "not" wins every time. This is a new life you're both considering here. Get couples counseling immediately and tell him your fears about having a child. You also need to figure out why you are so reluctant to tell him your real feelings about something so vital. There may be larger trust and communication issues that must get resolved BEFORE you even try getting pregnant, if you end up trying at all. Professional help, now.

If he balks about counseling and/or he pressures you along lines of, "Once we have a baby you'll be fine with the baby/the finances will work themselves out/we'll figure it out as we go along" -- those are red flags that he's not seeing things realistically and is not actually ready to be a parent even if he insists he is ready. Counseling or therapy should help him determine why he feels so set on having a child right now and whether he is indeed being too rosy about what parenthood will be like. He might even feel that a child would fix problems in your relationship that you don't see but he feels are there.

Your deception about the pill means you're scared to talk to the person who should be the easiest person to talk to in your whole world. That's you own red flag.

Getting a vasectomy and staying on the pill are two totally different things. She can stop the pill whenever she wants. It's her body. Are you or are you not advocates of abortion? From what I've read, the majority of you are. The woman's body, the woman's choice, right? Don't advocate a double standard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While honesty is the best policy, it's your body. How old are you? Does he hear your clock ticking louder than you do?

I'm 26, we've been married for 2 years. He's 28. He says "you're going to be a great mom". I don't doubt that. Just not now. He comes from a huge family (5 siblings)

You're still quite young at 26. I can understand your hesitation - your life will change more than his, that's just the way it is. Are you guys on the same page about the number of kids you want to have?

Yes, only 2 kids. Twins run in his family. His siblings are 2 sets of twins plus him (all boys). I'm an only child. I love his huge family, it's fun at holidays/gatherings.

You're still very young. I assume that you are both working and now is a great time to build up the nest egg you will need when you have children. He may well be getting family pressure to have children since he is one of five. We waited almost five years to have kids and we had a great time - saved money, traveled, developed our careers etc. Life completely changes after you have kids so have fun now. Not that you can't have fun post kids but it is different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the deception is pretty awful. Not being ready is fine, but the constant lying and letting him get his hopes up for something he wants is not.

Reverse the situation. What if your DH got a vasectomy before you are ready but didn't tell you and you spent 6 months to a year trying to have a baby? Wouldn't you be livid about the lie?

100% this.

You're in trouble if you guys can't be honest with each other.

But that's not the same situation. A vasectomy (most of the time!) is permanent. Op wants to have children, but just not yet. A guy getting a vasectomy just shuts down the whole process. It's not like she got her tubes tied and didn't tell him.