How are you doing. OP?

I can't easily put myself into your shoes, but I do have a 14 year old of my own, and this is what comes to mind.

Wait until there is a time (or do what you need to to create a time) when a) you're alone with her; b) things are kind of relaxed and you both have time; and most importantly, c) she's in a pretty good mood.

In other words, if she's anything like my daughter, there are times when she would respond to almost anything that is said with either irritation or resistance, and other times when we can have a good conversation. Make sure you pick the latter.

When you can have a good conversation, start easily, don't accuse or put her into a corner. But do explain that your household runs in a very different way than what she is used to. Explain why-- either because of your parenting philosophy or because of the demands of raising young kids, or whatever jives with your thoughts. Explain that from now going forward, she needs to see you more in a parental role (supervisory role) than a sisterly (friend) role. That all 14 year olds need parents and you are now hers. Make it a real conversation, and make sure you really hear and understand how she is responding and what she is saying. If it seems like she is being defensive or not understanding, tell her that this is the start of a longer conversation, that she should think about it, and you'd like to hear her thoughts once she's had time to think things through. And then end in some upbeat way (go to starbucks).

I'd also suggest that when you are listening to her perspective, you find some places where you can compromise. If she really cares about bedtime, then give a little on that.

I'd also tell her that you are going to set some times (maybe once a week at first, and later once a month) for the two of you to have a conversation about how the adjustment is going. We all have a tendency to sit down for big conversations when something is 'wrong' and doing that every time is surely demoralizing. If you have check ins every weekend, say, and tell her it's her chance to let you know what she is really struggling with in the transition, and you can also either praise her for adjustments she's made or emphasize things that aren't going well, then some of these conversations will be positive and others will be opportunities to discuss challenges. In the conversations, ask what YOU can do to help HER adjust. Again, I'd not set a specific time because you may end up with a time which is one of her down-moods. But if you make it vague (every weekend, or 'about once a month' you can try to catch her at a good time to start the conversation.

Finally, a piece of tangible advice-- maybe you can check in with people who are foster parents of teenagers (there must be discussion boards). You have a unique situation here in that she is your sister, but many of the issues of adjustment to a new set of rules/expectations are things those folks would have some experience with.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:My mom took care of her sister while raising me. Her parents weren't abusive, but incapable of taking care of her. My aunt was (she died a few years ago after a long battle with cancer) 8 years old than me. She was wonderful person that everyone liked. Growing up, she still had to follow house rules. Back then, her life depended on it. I would sit down with your sister and let her know the house rules. If she lives there she must follow them. Preface it with, "I'm here to keep you safe and as happy as I can, but in this house we follow certain rules". The rules should revolve around keeping herself healthy (good sleep and eating properly) and happy (being sleep-deprived, she's like a jerk). Perhaps, you can agree on a happy medium. Say a later bedtime, but she doesn't have to eat breakfast and she has to eat a healthy lunch/dinner? She needs a parent, not a friend.

But what she has is a sister. A sister is not a parent. A sister is not a friend. And an older sister probably can't suddenly step into the role of parent of a younger sister, when the younger sister is 14, in the way that she might have been able to when the younger sister was younger.

My mom took care of her sister while raising me. Her parents weren't abusive, but incapable of taking care of her. My aunt was (she died a few years ago after a long battle with cancer) 8 years old than me. She was wonderful person that everyone liked. Growing up, she still had to follow house rules. Back then, her life depended on it. I would sit down with your sister and let her know the house rules. If she lives there she must follow them. Preface it with, "I'm here to keep you safe and as happy as I can, but in this house we follow certain rules". The rules should revolve around keeping herself healthy (good sleep and eating properly) and happy (being sleep-deprived, she's like a jerk). Perhaps, you can agree on a happy medium. Say a later bedtime, but she doesn't have to eat breakfast and she has to eat a healthy lunch/dinner? She needs a parent, not a friend.