Anonymous wrote:There's a thread on the GP forum now about your worst parenting mistake. I thought it was interesting that several people regret the small age gap between kids and feel that the older didn't get the attention they needed. Just interesting as an alternative viewpoint but probably it's possible to find something to regret about whatever you got.

I saw that too, but sort of felt resentful over their ability to determine their age gap so easily. I guess it just goes to show there are pluses and minuses to every situation.

Yes, I do get sad about the age gap. We adopted our two, and they are 5 years apart b/c of the stupid length of the paperwork, waiting, etc., but, in the end, what can ya do? We all just do the best we can. And I am just glad that my two each have a sibling. In my mind, a sibling with a big age gap, is better than none at all.

There's a thread on the GP forum now about your worst parenting mistake. I thought it was interesting that several people regret the small age gap between kids and feel that the older didn't get the attention they needed. Just interesting as an alternative viewpoint but probably it's possible to find something to regret about whatever you got.

I can relate. Started trying for #2 when my son was 10 months old. Now he's almost 4 and I've never seen a BFP despite TTC every month, infertility treatments, etc. I just don't understand it, I got pregnant right away with him. Anyhow, yes, I do worry a lot about the age gap, but I can see the benefits in having a larger age gap too. At this point we're looking into other options to build our family, such as adoption, but I was told by an adoption lawyer that I'm looking at around a 4 year wait for that too. Sigh, most likely we will end up with an only.

Looking around and at my own family, I've come to think that age gap is one of the least relevant factors in how close your children's relationship is. Mine are 6.5 years apart and tighter than I could've imagined. I think personality, interests, and temperament are far more determinative.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone of us struggling with infertility, secondary or "primary", contend with a possible age gap. I got pregnant with DC1 after one round of IVF but trying for a second through IVF was much more complex and took a lot longer. Keep your mind focused on what matters - you want a healthy child. The spacing always has pluses and minuses and is not something in your control.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a valid concern. I am not trying to start a suffering competition but really, consider that there are folks on here who may never even have a first.

If you are sensitive to that then don't read the post or the replies the content was obvious from the subject. Clearly those of us with secondary infertility know that there are people worse off than we are. Those who haven't had their first can consider that some people are dying in Syria or horrible war crimes. There are always things to be grateful for and always people you can point to who are worse off than you are. This board is so awful to people as secondary infertility

This is a spectacularly rude and dismissive post. Shame on you. And invoking Syria? You sound pretty awful yourself - not to mention pretty awful to the PP you responded to or any other woman on this forum. Get a grip.

Anyone of us struggling with infertility, secondary or "primary", contend with a possible age gap. I got pregnant with DC1 after one round of IVF but trying for a second through IVF was much more complex and took a lot longer. Keep your mind focused on what matters - you want a healthy child. The spacing always has pluses and minuses and is not something in your control.

This is one of those issues where if I let myself be sad about it, I would completely miss the point of my experiences.

I started trying to bring a second child into my home when my one living child was 3. Hinestly, no one can't plan for 7 consecutive losses, and complications from d&cs, and over a year's worth of being pregnant without ever meeting yiur baby alive.

I personally believe my infertility exists for no other reason than to remind me how little control I actually have over my own life and health (says healthy fitness instructor/dancer who now fully understands first-hand that terrible things happen and sometimes we can't do anything about it). My daughter will be nine if we are ever fortunate enough to bring what feels like a missing family member into our home.

I mourn all of the babies I have lost, but I just don't have the bandwidth to be sad about an age gap. I will feel fortunate if I can bring a healthy baby into the world at all.

https://justonemorebaby.blogspot.com

Thank you for starting this! I feel that it reaffirms a lot of the challenges sadly by many know all too well. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised but I am but not honoring the challenges that come with secondary infertility. The implications of the gap feel very out of our control yet very real as we move further and further from each baby phase. I question starting over again yet truely want another baby and member of our family. I have found that given I am doing everything I can, I choose to focus elsewhere. On staying present and positive, but I do have my days and feel for those pains. Good luck!

I am in the exact same situation. Started trying for #2 when first DC was 2 and now she is nearly 4.5. I am actually happy for a bigger gap in some senses, but I really wanted a 4 year gap, not 5-6 which is what it will likely end up being. I really want a second child and will embrace whatever we get if we are fortunate enough to have another kid, but as the gap grows with each day that passes by I am even more worried about starting over with a baby, if they will have a relationship as kids, etc. I am constantly thinking about the gap and truly think if I can't get pregnant by the end of this year we are done and will just have to be fine with one child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a valid concern. I am not trying to start a suffering competition but really, consider that there are folks on here who may never even have a first.

If you are sensitive to that then don't read the post or the replies the content was obvious from the subject. Clearly those of us with secondary infertility know that there are people worse off than we are. Those who haven't had their first can consider that some people are dying in Syria or horrible war crimes. There are always things to be grateful for and always people you can point to who are worse off than you are. This board is so awful to people as secondary infertility

wow are you defensive! OP is down, I thought gently reminding her that there are people worse off would help her feel gratitude, thereby alleviating some (NOT ALL) of her sadness.

So does the Syria comment make you, primary infertility sufferer, feel better? Didn't think so.

HA HA yes, my point EXACTLY. !!!!

No, that was the last thing on my mind.