Anonymous
05/31/2017 16:32
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
Fill a container with some treat she likes, a week's worth. Sos seven to a dozen treats. Everytime she fails to meet flushing or brushing or other expectation, thrown one in the garbage. Or use money - take some away for each failure.
People hate to lose things. Read an article, I think it's called "loss aversion".
People hate to lose things. Read an article, I think it's called "loss aversion".
Anonymous
05/31/2017 16:21
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
Given your description of her OP, I'd vote for going w/ the kindest approach. If there has been yelling, parental stress, and judgement attached to all of this so far then surprise her by going the other way.
Be kind and gentle and supportive. Don't aim for everything at once - pick one thing to work on - maybe the toilet flushing, and let the other things wait a couple of weeks. She's old enough to be plenty verbal about this so talk gently w/ her. You might even read some of Ross Greene's work on dealing with kids to problem solve challenging behavior. (www.livesinthebalance.org)
I have had great luck w/ short term rewards to build habits (though my kids are younger, still under 6) but as they're becoming more verbal Greene's approach is really working wonders with the more challenging stuff one of my kids specializes in.
But start by killing her with kindness and focusing on just one thing and see if that helps.
Be kind and gentle and supportive. Don't aim for everything at once - pick one thing to work on - maybe the toilet flushing, and let the other things wait a couple of weeks. She's old enough to be plenty verbal about this so talk gently w/ her. You might even read some of Ross Greene's work on dealing with kids to problem solve challenging behavior. (www.livesinthebalance.org)
I have had great luck w/ short term rewards to build habits (though my kids are younger, still under 6) but as they're becoming more verbal Greene's approach is really working wonders with the more challenging stuff one of my kids specializes in.
But start by killing her with kindness and focusing on just one thing and see if that helps.
Anonymous
05/30/2017 20:04
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to all the PPs. No I definitely know this isn't abuse or depression or sensory issues. I honestly think a PP nailed it when he/she mentioned the wipes and clogs. DD said today that she doesn't want to flush Bc she is "afraid" of flushing and causing the toilet to overflow. That has happened before to her, and DH yelled. A lot. And plumber had to be called to snake sewer bc of the wipes and serious clog. So I am now putting 2 and 2 together (no pun intended on the #2) and it all makes sense. We have slow flow toilets and even I sometimes have to flush twice before everything goes down. So today I showed her the best way, even if it involves flushing a few times while you're wiping. The teeth brushing is laziness and I think testing us and being Stubborn. But I am going to need to stand and enforce with the door open.
I appreciate the concerns about abuse and depression, but that definitely isn't the issue. DD is very confident, outgoing and assertive and I there are no other signs of something being amiss. I think it's really the fear of flushing and overflowing the bowl again.
Have your DH apologize to her for yelling. Get some one ply toilet paper. Teach her to flush more than once. Teach her how much paper to get.Wipes need to be a last resort for a particularly stubborn poop, and they need to go in the trash. Explain the clog was your fault, since you taught her to use them.
Anonymous
05/30/2017 19:40
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
OP here. Thanks to all the PPs. No I definitely know this isn't abuse or depression or sensory issues. I honestly think a PP nailed it when he/she mentioned the wipes and clogs. DD said today that she doesn't want to flush Bc she is "afraid" of flushing and causing the toilet to overflow. That has happened before to her, and DH yelled. A lot. And plumber had to be called to snake sewer bc of the wipes and serious clog. So I am now putting 2 and 2 together (no pun intended on the #2) and it all makes sense. We have slow flow toilets and even I sometimes have to flush twice before everything goes down. So today I showed her the best way, even if it involves flushing a few times while you're wiping. The teeth brushing is laziness and I think testing us and being Stubborn. But I am going to need to stand and enforce with the door open.
I appreciate the concerns about abuse and depression, but that definitely isn't the issue. DD is very confident, outgoing and assertive and I there are no other signs of something being amiss. I think it's really the fear of flushing and overflowing the bowl again.
I appreciate the concerns about abuse and depression, but that definitely isn't the issue. DD is very confident, outgoing and assertive and I there are no other signs of something being amiss. I think it's really the fear of flushing and overflowing the bowl again.
Anonymous
05/30/2017 15:51
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
I have twin 8 yo girls and their hygiene is spotty. I smell their breath at least twice a day just to confirm they brushed their teeth. Skidmarks happen. Not flushing happens occasionally.
I think you just get her involved in the consequences of the behavior. Didn't flush? Stop whatever she's doing, flush the toilet and clean it. Didn't wash hands?
Go back and do it. Skidmarks? Show her how to put the stain remover on it and wash her own underpants. Didn't brush teeth? Do it again until it's right. It will be time consuming initially - but she'll get to the point where she doesn't want to waste her own time.
I think you just get her involved in the consequences of the behavior. Didn't flush? Stop whatever she's doing, flush the toilet and clean it. Didn't wash hands?
Go back and do it. Skidmarks? Show her how to put the stain remover on it and wash her own underpants. Didn't brush teeth? Do it again until it's right. It will be time consuming initially - but she'll get to the point where she doesn't want to waste her own time.
Anonymous
05/30/2017 15:41
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
Have you tried to have a calm and loving conversation with her about all the unusual behavior that doesn't involve calling her "disgusting" (or her feeling that way)? I know it must be hard (I agree that it's disgusting) but if she feels judged, she isn't likely to be forthcoming.
Like the PP, my first guess was some type of pretty serious abuse, especially if she wasn't always this way. If there could be abuse and the abuser could be someone close to you (partner, brother etc) then try to get her some other professional involved who she might trust and confide in. You owe it to her to at least rule out that possibility.
I would also consider sensory issues or other medical things, depending on what else was going on with the child and their behavior in other parts of their life.
In any case, something is very wrong with your child, and the last thing I would do is discipline her. If this was my child, I'd really be developing a STRONGER relationship with my child to try to find out what's going on, not weakening the bond through attempts at more discipline.
I've been told this too.
Like the PP, my first guess was some type of pretty serious abuse, especially if she wasn't always this way. If there could be abuse and the abuser could be someone close to you (partner, brother etc) then try to get her some other professional involved who she might trust and confide in. You owe it to her to at least rule out that possibility.
I would also consider sensory issues or other medical things, depending on what else was going on with the child and their behavior in other parts of their life.
In any case, something is very wrong with your child, and the last thing I would do is discipline her. If this was my child, I'd really be developing a STRONGER relationship with my child to try to find out what's going on, not weakening the bond through attempts at more discipline.
Anonymous wrote:Since there was mention of flushable wipes and clogged toilets, I want to point that plumbers generally say that even the flushable wipes should not be flushed. ... or you may have an expensive plumbing problem.
I've been told this too.
Anonymous
05/30/2017 09:11
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
Since there was mention of flushable wipes and clogged toilets, I want to point that plumbers generally say that even the flushable wipes should not be flushed. They may or may not cause local clogging, but they can back up the lines. HAve a small trash can right by the toilet and encourage your family to use it or you may have an expensive plumbing problem.
Has your dd ever tried to flush and then have a clog back up? After dd had that happen (where the toilet overflowed because she put too much paper) she was terrified of flushing for a while. I had to be there with her and show carefully how much paper was appropriate, how to wipe carefully, how you can wet toilet paper to get clean...
Has your dd ever tried to flush and then have a clog back up? After dd had that happen (where the toilet overflowed because she put too much paper) she was terrified of flushing for a while. I had to be there with her and show carefully how much paper was appropriate, how to wipe carefully, how you can wet toilet paper to get clean...
Anonymous
05/30/2017 04:32
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
I had this issue (this exact issue -- couldn't wipe, flush, brush teeth or do anything associated with my body) and I'm sorry to say that it was a sign of extreme depression associated with sexual abuse and emotional abuse.
I'm sorry, OP. I am NOT saying your daughter has been abused. But I think looking at this as a behavioral problem is very sad. Your daughter is having a lot of issues with her body. She is avoiding anything having to do with making her body clean. You need to ask yourself why. There isn't a GOOD reason a kid wants to be filthy. I know.
I'm sorry, OP. I am NOT saying your daughter has been abused. But I think looking at this as a behavioral problem is very sad. Your daughter is having a lot of issues with her body. She is avoiding anything having to do with making her body clean. You need to ask yourself why. There isn't a GOOD reason a kid wants to be filthy. I know.
Anonymous
05/29/2017 22:18
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
I grew up in a pretty weird household and we were not told to brush teeth or wash face in the morning. It all changed once I went to an overnight summer camp when I was about 8 or 9. Kids are smart and notice what their peers do and they want to blend in.
Anonymous
05/29/2017 21:04
Subject: Re:8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
I would be monitoring her bathroom skills each and every time. I would block the exit until she wiped, flushed and washed well. Ypu do not have to do this in a mean way. You can be encouraging. But the only way to get over fears is to realize nothing bad happens when you do the things. For other things, I would take a more gradual approach, but this is disgusting and soon will have social ramifications. It probably has already.
You need to be in the bathroom with her when she is brushing her teeth.
You need to be in the bathroom with her when she is brushing her teeth.
Anonymous
05/29/2017 20:49
Subject: 8 Year Old DD Won't Flush - help!
Also, if it's truly only the flushing noise that's stopping her from following through, maybe tell her she must tell an adult when she's finished using the toilet so they can flush (and then use that time to make sure she's wiped and washed hands). Sort of like having a toddler again but i imagine she'll get tired of having to announce every time she goes (hopefully, right?). Amazing how hardheaded these kids can be. I've got one who has been potty trained for more than a couple years now who all of a sudden has decided not to pee in the potty anymore. In the yard, yes. But not the potty. Killing. Me.