Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He assumes that you know he knows you had a baby. He did write "aw," which for a teen is acknowledging. You are a new mom and have expectations that everybody will fawn over you and your baby now. But, most people don't care, don't care at all. Maybe if you became a sister instead of Judge Judy to him, he might contact your more. Also, is there something wrong with you calling him? It is not that most 17 year olds don't care, it is that they don't know what is socially accepted behavior norm, and that is something they need to be thought.

I'm well aware that most people care as little about my baby as I care about theirs. But he is my brother - not most people. The only thing wrong with calling him is that he never picks up or returns a call. He's notorious for it, and not just with me.

OP again. Fair point there, though.

Anonymous wrote:He assumes that you know he knows you had a baby. He did write "aw," which for a teen is acknowledging. You are a new mom and have expectations that everybody will fawn over you and your baby now. But, most people don't care, don't care at all. Maybe if you became a sister instead of Judge Judy to him, he might contact your more. Also, is there something wrong with you calling him? It is not that most 17 year olds don't care, it is that they don't know what is socially accepted behavior norm, and that is something they need to be thought.

I'm well aware that most people care as little about my baby as I care about theirs. But he is my brother - not most people. The only thing wrong with calling him is that he never picks up or returns a call. He's notorious for it, and not just with me.

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP? You sound young. I'm going to guess you're in your early 20s. He's tuning you out because you think you're all that because you "got out" an have a baby. He doesn't care - he's a 17 year old,boy that it doesn't sound like you were super close to before. Let it go.

I'm in my late twenties. And I don't think I'm "all that" - I think he is and just doesn't know it. He's in a toxic environment, that's why I want him to get out. And it's why I got out. We were close up until a few years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Tough to read, but I know that you're all pretty much right. I've definitely pushed him away by trying to control him. It's not so much that I care that he has no interest in college, it's that I feel like he's never been told that he's smart enough and capable enough for it. Or consistently challenged in any way. Pretty much every adult in his life (myself included) have failed him in that regard. I've got a lot of guilt about leaving home (and him) after high school and not seeing him frequently enough in the years since, and so I think I try to compensate for it by squeezing in every bit of unsolicited advice that I can when I do talk to/see him. Clearly that's not helping anyone.

I'll talk to him. I know it's unfortunately going to be at least a few years before we feel more like siblings rather than the adult/child relationship that it is now.

OMG ! OP he's not your child! Please stop trying to parent him. My sister did this and she killed any chance of having a real relationship with me.

I realize you are in your 20s and think you know everything, but you don't. You really don't so just stop. Hop down from the pedestal you've put yourself on.

OP again. Yeah, I wouldn't really say I've put myself on a pedestal here. I'd like nothing more than to have a sibling to relate to right now, and I'm far from thinking I know everything - having a kid puts a quick end to that. It's more that I WAS the primary parent/guardian for a good chunk of his childhood, but did a poor job of it and feel like no one has ever really filled that role successfully for him. Now that he's borderline young adult, it's a weird transition for me to think of him as just a brother. He also has a pretty sh*tty home life still, hence the guilt-induced unsolicited advice whenever I do talk to him. No, he's not my child, but I love him and it hurts to know that no one is really "parenting" him in a positive way.

I get what that I'm doing isn't working. I just don't know exactly how to repair it. Having a regular conversation with him would still feel forced at this point, but I guess it will just take time - and more effort on my part.

Yeah, I don't think you've learned that lesson yet. You are not your brother's parent. You were never his parent. If he truly was poorly parented ( btw that's for him to decide ) that is on his parents and not you. You need to accept that because until you do you will never have a relationship with your brother.

Another thing for you to consider and take to heart and remember for your own child is that just because something was a mistake for you doesn't mean it's a mistake for the next person.

He assumes that you know he knows you had a baby. He did write "aw," which for a teen is acknowledging. You are a new mom and have expectations that everybody will fawn over you and your baby now. But, most people don't care, don't care at all. Maybe if you became a sister instead of Judge Judy to him, he might contact your more. Also, is there something wrong with you calling him? It is not that most 17 year olds don't care, it is that they don't know what is socially accepted behavior norm, and that is something they need to be thought.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Tough to read, but I know that you're all pretty much right. I've definitely pushed him away by trying to control him. It's not so much that I care that he has no interest in college, it's that I feel like he's never been told that he's smart enough and capable enough for it. Or consistently challenged in any way. Pretty much every adult in his life (myself included) have failed him in that regard. I've got a lot of guilt about leaving home (and him) after high school and not seeing him frequently enough in the years since, and so I think I try to compensate for it by squeezing in every bit of unsolicited advice that I can when I do talk to/see him. Clearly that's not helping anyone.

I'll talk to him. I know it's unfortunately going to be at least a few years before we feel more like siblings rather than the adult/child relationship that it is now.

OMG ! OP he's not your child! Please stop trying to parent him. My sister did this and she killed any chance of having a real relationship with me.

I realize you are in your 20s and think you know everything, but you don't. You really don't so just stop. Hop down from the pedestal you've put yourself on.

OP again. Yeah, I wouldn't really say I've put myself on a pedestal here. I'd like nothing more than to have a sibling to relate to right now, and I'm far from thinking I know everything - having a kid puts a quick end to that. It's more that I WAS the primary parent/guardian for a good chunk of his childhood, but did a poor job of it and feel like no one has ever really filled that role successfully for him. Now that he's borderline young adult, it's a weird transition for me to think of him as just a brother. He also has a pretty sh*tty home life still, hence the guilt-induced unsolicited advice whenever I do talk to him. No, he's not my child, but I love him and it hurts to know that no one is really "parenting" him in a positive way.

I get what that I'm doing isn't working. I just don't know exactly how to repair it. Having a regular conversation with him would still feel forced at this point, but I guess it will just take time - and more effort on my part.

How old are you, OP? You sound young. I'm going to guess you're in your early 20s. He's tuning you out because you think you're all that because you "got out" an have a baby. He doesn't care - he's a 17 year old,boy that it doesn't sound like you were super close to before. Let it go.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Tough to read, but I know that you're all pretty much right. I've definitely pushed him away by trying to control him. It's not so much that I care that he has no interest in college, it's that I feel like he's never been told that he's smart enough and capable enough for it. Or consistently challenged in any way. Pretty much every adult in his life (myself included) have failed him in that regard. I've got a lot of guilt about leaving home (and him) after high school and not seeing him frequently enough in the years since, and so I think I try to compensate for it by squeezing in every bit of unsolicited advice that I can when I do talk to/see him. Clearly that's not helping anyone.

I'll talk to him. I know it's unfortunately going to be at least a few years before we feel more like siblings rather than the adult/child relationship that it is now.

OMG ! OP he's not your child! Please stop trying to parent him. My sister did this and she killed any chance of having a real relationship with me.

I realize you are in your 20s and think you know everything, but you don't. You really don't so just stop. Hop down from the pedestal you've put yourself on.

OP here. Tough to read, but I know that you're all pretty much right. I've definitely pushed him away by trying to control him. It's not so much that I care that he has no interest in college, it's that I feel like he's never been told that he's smart enough and capable enough for it. Or consistently challenged in any way. Pretty much every adult in his life (myself included) have failed him in that regard. I've got a lot of guilt about leaving home (and him) after high school and not seeing him frequently enough in the years since, and so I think I try to compensate for it by squeezing in every bit of unsolicited advice that I can when I do talk to/see him. Clearly that's not helping anyone.

I'll talk to him. I know it's unfortunately going to be at least a few years before we feel more like siblings rather than the adult/child relationship that it is now.

My brother is 36 and barely acknowledges his niece and nephew. It sucks but I've given up on trying to get him to care and I no longer allow his indifference to bother me. In your case, your brother is only 17 so he could just be really immature and consumed with his own life right now. Or maybe he's not into babies but will be more interested when your child is walking and talking. Give him some space and time to see how it plays out.