To put it other words, lack of respect means treating one like a piece of shit. So to phrase OP's question another way, "Can one not treat to other like a piece of shit in a relationship realistic?" You tell me, OP.

Yes, of course, respect is possible.

But I don't think we're all operating on the same definition of "respect."

I also think that some people are looking for adoration/worship and calling it "respect."

For example, the thread about the perfect marriage was unsettling to me b/c the OP seemed to think that your spouse calling you beautiful all of the time and buying you flowers and heaping compliments on you = a perfect marriage.

Yes it is. But it sounds like your husband has none and is a douche, and that isn't changeable.


I agree with others- DTFA. It ain't gonna get better, and he's already failed at the bare minimum

I don't think respect is too much to ask, and I also don't like swearing. My husband used to swear at me too, a long time ago. We went to counseling with our Pastor which helped a lot. Even more so, later, he gave his life to Jesus and he changed so much- he has not called me names in years. A suggestion - the book "Love and Respect" by Gary Chapman is very helpful. Even more helpful if hubby will read with you,. Counseling is very helpful too. Ours with our Pastor was free and changed our life and marriage. I pray things get better! I understand how much it hurts. I pray for healing in Jesus name.
Mary

Anonymous wrote:What? Of course it is realistic to expect that your spouse treats you with respect. I don't have a problem with swearing. I don't even have a problem with swearing during an argument. I do have a problem with you saying that you want to be treated with respect and your husband telling you that that's not realistic to want that.

We don't know that her DH said general respect is unreasonable. Op won't even clarify if spouse is swearing at her or near her. If she wants DH to never swear and doing otherwise is disrespect, he may be saying she's being unrealistic about that. It's all speculation at this point though, and I have a feeling that if op does update, people will take what she says with a grain of salt because they'll think she's giving only the info to back up her story.

Courtesy is owed.
Respect is earned.
Love is given.

swearing in general is not disrespectful; unless he is berating you or cursing at you in some way anyhow.

possibly related, I have real difficulty respecting people who throw temper tantrums on a regular basis. (my DH has started doing this recently while under stress at work and at least once a week he storms around the house cursing and slamming doors and such nonsense; it is a turnoff to be , and it makes it hard for me to take him seriously about, well, anything. but, tbh, it is me who has lost respect for him, not the other way around, as far as I can tell.)

What? Of course it is realistic to expect that your spouse treats you with respect. I don't have a problem with swearing. I don't even have a problem with swearing during an argument. I do have a problem with you saying that you want to be treated with respect and your husband telling you that that's not realistic to want that.

Your spouse can still respect you and use general curse words around you. I agree with other posters that it makes a huge difference whether he called you a terrible name and cursed at you or he was just venting at a situation.

In my 15+ year marriage, respect is the only thing that really, truly matters. Everything else flows from there. This goes for familial and friend relationships as well. If you don't have mutual respect, it will not work.

I think respect is realistic. I think your ideas of what constitutes "respect" may be unrealistic. I don't see a problem with swearing in anger, and i don't see that as disrespectful. Now, if he's calling you a f*cking whore, that's a whole different problem.

What does "respect" mean, though? It's not clear what OP is expecting.