My condolences to you and your family. Almost 5 years ago I lost my husband suddenly, our kids were 3, 10, and 17 at the time. It was during the summer, so our kids were not in school but it was about 3 weeks before our oldest and youngest went back to school. I made sure to notify all of their teachers and school counselors of what happened and I made sure to ask for support. I am going to focus on what we did for my 10 year old because he was closest in age to your son. His school was WONDERFUL, the counselor talked to him and offered him a quiet place to go if he needed to be alone or someone to sit with him or talk to him if he needed that. There were times when he would be in class and just get overwhelemed and it was great for him to be able to just get up, walk out and go to his "spot".... whatever teacher he was with would call the counselor and she would go check on him to see if he needed anything or just wanted to be alone for a little while. (If your child's school does not offer this, I would request it.... it helped my son a lot to feel like he did not have to hold everything in and had complete and unconditional support when he needed it). I offered to send him to counselor or group and at the time he declined. I did find an organization that had a grief camp that he attended very shortly after my husband passed (The Wendt Center has Camp Forget Me Not... it shows that the deadline has passed for enrollment, but call them if you are interested and explain your situation) that my son really liked because he met a boy his age there who had also just lost his father and they could both talk and cry (or not) together and not feel bad. Even though my son was not interested in counseling I read as much as I could about children and grief. I went to counseling almost immediately and it was great for me to have somewhere to go and vent and cry and be weak if I needed to (you will get sick and tired of people telling you how strong you are) with someone who understood and could offer some real assistance with coping strategies and guidance on my grief journey. My son ended up wanting to go to therapy about 18 months after my husband passed away, he went weekly for 2 1/2 years and it helped him a lot, not just with his grief but overall adolescent stuff. I think one of the most important things I learned during this process is that everyone grieves differently, but there are some significant things that are similar for most people. 1. The first year you are literally operating on auto-pilot, cut you and your kid some slack. Do not try to go back to normal, there is no going back and honestly give yourself grace in creating a new normal. It is perfectly OK to just put stuff on hold until you are emotionally ready to handle it. 2. The first time you do anything that you had done in the past will be hard (holidays, birthdays, dinner at a particular restaurant, car wash, you name it, ANYTHING), try to prepare yourself as best you can, but know that it is almost impossible to prepare for every time this happens.... give yourself grace. 3. It is OK for the kid to miss school and you to miss work and everyone pile in your bed and cry or laugh and tell stories or just sit and be... and it is OK to not do this, as I said earlier everyone grieves differently there is no right or wrong. You are not on a timeline, if people want to judge you tell them to F*CK OFF... literally, if you have to. Sometimes you will feel like you have your act together only to get knocked back on your behind in the next moment.... this is perfectly normal... sometimes this will happen years out... again, normal. Sometimes you will feel super productive and like you have this thing licked and are back on your feet, so when you can do what you can do, but try not to push too far too fast. 4. Your responsibility is to you and your kid... please put everything that takes away from your healing on the back burner. It will be there when you are ready to get back to it. Find a support group or individual counselor to support you through this time. Your friendships will probably change... people you thought were your BFFs may not know how to support you, you may find a whole new network of people who will drop everything and be there for you, you may get closer to epople you have known all your life, or not. Try not to judge others too harshly because they are grieving toon (but remember to put you and your son first). 5. In the US we do a horrible job of talking about death and grief, it is a natural part of life. Please do not hold it in, if you do not want to talk to anyone that is OK, but give yourself and your kid that option.

I feel like this was rambly and all over the place. I wish I could provide you with an email to reach out to me if you have questions or just need to talk. Please know that you are not alone and you will get through this... just take it one day (or hour or minute) at a time. ((((HUGS))))

I'm so sorry, OP. Lots of love to you and your child.

Lots of love and empathy your way.

Anonymous wrote:My husband past away suddenly 2 weeks ago. My 8.5 year old son and I are trying to get back to "normal" this week with going back to school and work. Anyone out there lose a spouse? How old were your kids? How long did it take to seem like things were somewhat normal again? I'm lost.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. The only advice I can give is to make sure that you and your son both have the room to grieve how you need and to seek the help of a professional. Please be aware that this may affect your son for the rest of his life. My partner lost his mother at 10 and is still dealing with the way it affects his life 25 years later.

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. I can not begin to imagine what you must be going through.

I have not had the experience of losing a parent so young, but I've been a teacher of students who lost a parent at about that age. What I found is that after a couple of weeks, most kids experience grief cyclically throughout the day. They have periods when they are fine, most often in settings where they weren't used to having their parents present (e.g. school, soccer team, a playdate), and times when they were very sad and needed a lot of support. The settings where they did well were important, because they allowed the kid to experience a break from the intensity of their feelings. Even in those settings, the kids were more fragile, less inattentive, and less likely to remember details, but they did pretty well. Because of this, I'd encourage you to try and get your son back to school, and into other routines as soon as you can manage.

You may also find that having a break from his grief allows you to focus on your own, and it might be quite healing for you. I imagine that you're feeling torn in two right now, between the immensity of your own feelings, and your desire to protect and focus on your son.

I'll also say that the grief counselors at the Wendt center made an amazing difference for both kids who I have seen go through this. If you aren't connected with them, or another center specializing in grief, I encourage you to reach out.

OP, new poster here. I'm so sorry for your loss.

This teacher's post is absolutely right. See the bold section.

My father died suddenly when I was in elementary school, way back in the days when there was no such thing as a school counselor at the elementary level (at least not in our area). Please contact your son's teacher; the school counselor; and if your son is particularly close to a teacher such as the music or art or gym teacher, contact that person as well. They likely all know what happened so you're not getting in touch to give them the facts, but to let them know whatever is relevant here -- for example, if your son has been resisting going back to school, or if he's eager to get back and get into his routine again, or if he might experience that "cyclical" grief that the teacher above describes well. Ask them to keep an eye on him. Most teachers would do it anyway, but if you can give them any additional information and urge them to contact you if needed, that could help them to help him.

If he has been really struggling, having periods where he is suddenly tearful, etc., you should let the counselor and his main teacher know that -- he may need to be allowed to leave the classroom at times. A great teacher would probably give him some task to do when he seems to be experiencing sudden grief: "Johnny, I need these papers taken to the office. Here's a hall pass; please take them." Whatever. Something to get him out of the classroom and then the counselor should be told by the teacher that he's on his way to the office and the counselor can talk to him. He may not need this kind of intervention, but that's up to you and the teacher and school counselor to decide.

Also, OP, be aware that kids in his classes may have no idea at all how to respond to him. Some will act as if he's just been out a day sick or whatever -- they'll treat him just as they did before he was out of school, will talk with him the same way, won't ask questions, will joke with him if they were jokey together previously. Some will be emotionally mature enough to say they're sorry to hear about his dad. Some will ask innocent questions, maybe even specific questions about how his father died; kids often have no filter about those kinds of questions. You cannot anticipate that, or buffer your son from it, really, but you should be aware that he might hear things through the day.

But some kids will be a bit frightened or anxious about talking to him, because they know his father died and it puts the fear of a parent's death into their heads. You might want to let your son know, very gently, that "If some of your friends seem quiet around you, it might be because they're sad for you and don't know what to say. It's OK not to know what to say. Just say hello to them and ask them to tell you what the class has been doing, or if they can show you what they read last week in English" etc. Remember, many adults have no idea how to react to a death, and don't know what to say; imagine how children this age might find it difficult to know how to react to a classmate or even a close friend who is now experiencing something utterly outside their own understanding.

And a few kids might be cluelessly unkind, especially if your son is doing fine during some activity. I well remember being asked by one girl, "Why are you here? Aren't you sad your father is dead?" when I was in class and proceeding as usual, answering questions or whatever, a day or two after returning to school. I think now that she just was genuinely baffled that I wasn't collapsed in tears, but at the time, as a kid, I was just floored that she would be (what I felt was) mean. I am NOT saying this will happen to your son, but I do want you to be aware that he could get a wide range of responses from other kids, and might come home with questions for you, or come home needing to grieve. If he comes home very shut down and quiet, you might need to ask how his day went.

And please consider some short-term grief counseling for him, with a counselor (not the school counselor) who specializes in elementary-aged children who are grieving. I really, really feel for him, and for you.

So sorry OP. Understand you will have moments you'll feel alright, and then potentially feel guilty over that, and moments where you relive it all over again. It's true it's very much a rollercoaster. You'll figure it out OP, it just takes time.

There was a thread on this several weeks ago. It stuck with me. Someone replied that the kid had a teacher who was just there for the kid. The kid was allowed to eat with the teacher instead of his classmates because they were treating him differently and the kid just needed some quiet space to talk or not talk. The compassion showed to the kid by the teacher really stuck with me. I will see if I can find that thread.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish you this best at this difficult time.

I am so sorry, OP. I think one thing that helped me endure a great loss was having a place around others who had gone through the same thing. Then I wasn't the odd one out. I could share my frustrations and grief and anger with people who understood. I'd suggest seeking out some sort of peer group for your child (and for you).

My mother in law lost her husband when her son was still young, and she found it helpful to find others in her community going through what she was going through (in her case, that was Parents without Partners). I think doing whatever it takes to help you feel supported and not alone, whether it's a support group through Meetup (look for a group for single parents, or start one yourself if there isn't one nearby), or a loss & grief center, or a therapist who can help you talk through your feelings, will help you to in turn be there emotionally, in a more centered and mindful way, for your son.