Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that disengaging in the moment, and processing later is a good strategy, but an 11 year old who is melting down to the point where they're biting needs professional help.

Whether that's medical help from a psychiatrist, or individual or family therapy, or a combination, I don't know, but biting crosses a pretty specific line. I'm a special educator, I've worked with kids with Emotional Disturbance at that age, and almost all kids, unless there are significant developmental disabilities, are able to inhibit the impulse to bite.

I'm also the parent of a child with a mental illness, so I'm not saying this judgmentally. A good professional can help immensely. Please don't wait any longer.

Yeah, well, you don't live with them. If they bite in the classroom then you know something is wrong. Homevis where kids let their crazy out.

If there's enough "crazy" in them that they're biting their mother, then there's enough to warrant a trip to a professional.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that disengaging in the moment, and processing later is a good strategy, but an 11 year old who is melting down to the point where they're biting needs professional help.

Whether that's medical help from a psychiatrist, or individual or family therapy, or a combination, I don't know, but biting crosses a pretty specific line. I'm a special educator, I've worked with kids with Emotional Disturbance at that age, and almost all kids, unless there are significant developmental disabilities, are able to inhibit the impulse to bite.

I'm also the parent of a child with a mental illness, so I'm not saying this judgmentally. A good professional can help immensely. Please don't wait any longer.

Yeah, well, you don't live with them. If they bite in the classroom then you know something is wrong. Homevis where kids let their crazy out.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that disengaging in the moment, and processing later is a good strategy, but an 11 year old who is melting down to the point where they're biting needs professional help.

Whether that's medical help from a psychiatrist, or individual or family therapy, or a combination, I don't know, but biting crosses a pretty specific line. I'm a special educator, I've worked with kids with Emotional Disturbance at that age, and almost all kids, unless there are significant developmental disabilities, are able to inhibit the impulse to bite.

I'm also the parent of a child with a mental illness, so I'm not saying this judgmentally. A good professional can help immensely. Please don't wait any longer.

This post is full of wisdom.

Me again. The "War" means the efforts so that he will be a happy and secure young adult one day. Fighting "battles" is more a focus on "how dare he speak to me that way"

when I read these posts, the parents reporting success all share a theme: they were focused on the long game instead of the behavior at that moment.

I know in my parenting, reflection and prayer helped me to yell less and choose strategies to win the "war", not the "battle".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get out the belt. Problem solved.

You are a disgusting person. I hope you did not reproduce.

+1

I agree that disengaging in the moment, and processing later is a good strategy, but an 11 year old who is melting down to the point where they're biting needs professional help.

Whether that's medical help from a psychiatrist, or individual or family therapy, or a combination, I don't know, but biting crosses a pretty specific line. I'm a special educator, I've worked with kids with Emotional Disturbance at that age, and almost all kids, unless there are significant developmental disabilities, are able to inhibit the impulse to bite.

I'm also the parent of a child with a mental illness, so I'm not saying this judgmentally. A good professional can help immensely. Please don't wait any longer.

For us our son learned to calm down doing CBT. He learned to recognize the feeling as it was building in his chest or stomach and how to breath and walk away before a blowup.

If a blowup happened, we sat with him while he cried,etc., either in his room or in the car .. away from other people.

No attention, just being present. I would say, is there anything I can do.. or at the end say, good job calming yourself down.

He was pretty good at stopping blowups in about 3 months. I couldn't believe how quick he learned to control it.

Anonymous wrote:Get out the belt. Problem solved.

You are a disgusting person. I hope you did not reproduce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore him. When he has calmed down and eaten something you can have him clean up the mess he made. He also will need to skip the next play date because this one tired you out so much that you need to first recover.

Agree with this and it took me years and therapy to learn to do this

This is 100% correct answer.

This is what we learned intherapy with our 11 year girl who has anxiety and throws epic tantrums. Walk away. She eventually learned to control angry outburst, take time and then come talk to us. Do not meet angry with angry.

Can you please share how she learned to calm down from an angry outburst? This is a NP and we feel like we've tried everything for our 13 year old's meltdowns.

Yes - walk away. Your child has lost control of themselves. Don't bother DC - no asking DC why or requesting DC fo things or calm down. Just disengage.

Don't drag him anywhere or ask anything of him if he has lost control of himself.
It's going to happen again probably for reasons you probably won't understand (our older teen DD had epic tantrums through sophomore year of high school.
Not when she was young, just as a teen - schoolwork coupled with hormones drove her nuts for a while). Make sure he has enough to eat and that he gets enough sleep? After a few hours tell him you are going out and when you return you would like the mess to have been cleaned up.

Also, identify emotions as you see them happening. If you say anything at all, use an even tone, factual "you're angry". If you've talked about this before the outburst then the child will know what they need to do next

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore him. When he has calmed down and eaten something you can have him clean up the mess he made. He also will need to skip the next play date because this one tired you out so much that you need to first recover.

Agree with this and it took me years and therapy to learn to do this

This is 100% correct answer.

This is what we learned intherapy with our 11 year girl who has anxiety and throws epic tantrums. Walk away. She eventually learned to control angry outburst, take time and then come talk to us. Do not meet angry with angry.

Can you please share how she learned to calm down from an angry outburst? This is a NP and we feel like we've tried everything for our 13 year old's meltdowns.

Well we all had therapy. First DH and I had to learn to take an empathic approach and not angry and punishing. We talked to her about the angry when she was happy and in a good mood. We worked on strategies to deal with anger in an appropriate way. For us, it's acceptable to go into her room, close the door and scream and cry on her bed or in her closet. So we just point to her room and sometimes guide her when we see it coming. If she starts screaming at us we walk away. Every time. It is so tempting to react or punish but with our kid it only escalates. The therapist found some things DD likes to do to calm down. She writes in her journal and has construction paper she's allowed to tear up. She is responsible for clean up of any mess she makes and once we enforced that, she stopped throwing her stuffed animals and clothes around the room.
In OPs situation I would have ignored my child and taken the playmate into another room. Check to see if friend is ok. Explain that, DD is angry and we are going to wait for her to calm down. (We have been in this scenario).
It also helps that we know she is triggered by anxiety. It's easier to have empathy and to predict when these problems are going to happen. Also, we limit screen time because that seems to make her more anxious and moody.
You may have tried all these. It helps to talk to a professional, even if only for three or four visits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore him. When he has calmed down and eaten something you can have him clean up the mess he made. He also will need to skip the next play date because this one tired you out so much that you need to first recover.

Agree with this and it took me years and therapy to learn to do this

This is 100% correct answer.

This is what we learned intherapy with our 11 year girl who has anxiety and throws epic tantrums. Walk away. She eventually learned to control angry outburst, take time and then come talk to us. Do not meet angry with angry.

Can you please share how she learned to calm down from an angry outburst? This is a NP and we feel like we've tried everything for our 13 year old's meltdowns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore him. When he has calmed down and eaten something you can have him clean up the mess he made. He also will need to skip the next play date because this one tired you out so much that you need to first recover.

Agree with this and it took me years and therapy to learn to do this

This is 100% correct answer.

This is what we learned intherapy with our 11 year girl who has anxiety and throws epic tantrums. Walk away. She eventually learned to control angry outburst, take time and then come talk to us. Do not meet angry with angry.