Anonymous wrote:DCUM, please be kind.

I've posted a lot on this forum about my marriage travails. In the four years we've been married, the unforgivable (cheating) and the intolerable (emotional abuse) have occurred. It's no way to live, I know, and *of course* I never dreamed my husband would treat me this way. But he did. Now I'm about to leave him with two small children and I feel like a failure, like a loser. This was not what I dreamt for myself or my kids. I'm heartbroken and so angry.

How old are your children OP? How did you find out?
Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

OP, I also left a cheating husband with 2 kids (18 mos and 5 y.o.). It was the best thing I ever did for them. THey are emotionally healthy and connected to me, and that will give them a stability in life that they never would have had if I had stayed in a marriage with their Dad. I broke the cycle of family dysfunction that he had going on - it will not pass to my kids, who are now in MS and HS.

Yes, I ah e been a "failure" as a parent in the sense that we are not rich and don't have many vacations or material things, but they have the basics, do well at school, have friends, don't drink, etc.

You can do this!

If you consider yourself a failure for having picked a mate who turned out to be a lot less than you thought he was, or hoped he was, that's something to work on and learn from.

If you consider yourself a failure for not single-handedly fixing him and everything that was wrong in the relationship, you are totally wrong about that. Nobody can do that.

If you consider yourself a failure for not continuing to tolerate the intolerable, which is also very bad for your kids, you are also wrong about that.

You are definitely doing the right thing.

Your marriage is not what you signed up for, and not what you hoped for your children. But leaving to build yourselves and them a better, more loving, more stable home is not being a failure, quite the opposite. it takes courage and strength and you will get through this. Life is long, second chances abound and in the meantime, shed those feelings of failure and take on the mantle of strength.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your encouragement. You have given me hope. Sometimes DCUM surprises me

I have received some very good advice from DCUM in the past on a number of forums. Though this one does seem to attract a lot of snark. Be good!

OP here. Thank you all for your encouragement. You have given me hope. Sometimes DCUM surprises me

I felt completely free when I left my ex-husband. He was floored, I told him I was leaving one day and just packed my stuff and was gone. I had had insomnia for most of our 9 year marriage, and I've never had it since. That was 17 years ago. He begged and begged, but I never looked back. Once I'm gone, I am gone. He's now miserable in a marriage with someone who cannot stand him, he can't stand her, and he never sees our boys because she said they aren't welcome there. They rarely call or text him. I just pity him, because he still doesn't have the backbone to leave a bad marriage, after all these years. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and loves my kids and treats them like they are his own, and has done more for them than their dad ever has. Don't feel like a failure. Feel like you've accomplished something amazing.

Failure is definitely not being courageous enough to make a huge life decision not only for yourself, but for your two children as well.

A failure would be someone who was weak and didn't have the initiative to flee their comfort zone toward a better life.

Please know that you are a winner by doing the right thing in life despite your fear.

Anonymous wrote:


I've got a whole new amazing life, while my XW is the same angry, abusive sad person she was 5 years ago.

Probably more so, since clearly you decided to leave her.

Jerk.

3:29 again. Think of it this way, OP. Your "husband" is the failure who couldn't act civilly enough to keep a marriage going. He failed. Not you. You can't make him be nice. He needs to learn the skills himself.

He's the one who should feel awful here.

Separation sometimes leads to reconciliation and a better marriage.