Anonymous wrote:OP- if she can lie about something like this even after you proposed?

Just imagine what she could or may lie about during your married life together. "Oh I was going to tell you that DS wasn't really yours but I was too afraid of your reaction to paternity test results."

This. Do not marry this woman.

OK, this is what you need to do.
Don't get married to her.
I'm so relieved you don't have to cancel venues and caterers and lose downpayments.

Down the road, if she shows she can be loyal and reliable under pressure, you can marry her.

How old is she? I would seriously leave her if she's anywhere past 25. That's way old to be this dishonest and stupid.

Anonymous wrote:OP- if she can lie about something like this even after you proposed?

Just imagine what she could or may lie about during your married life together. "Oh I was going to tell you that DS wasn't really yours but I was too afraid of your reaction to paternity test results."

+1

OP, if you had not found out, the wedding would have proceeded and she quite possibly would have been committing bigamy. Not to mention making a colossal fool of you and a sham of your vows in front of family and friends. All just out of fear of...what, exactly? That you'd be upset and angry? That she'd lose you?

The only way this might be excusable could be if she had experienced some trauma that paralyzed her with fear at the idea of crossing her ex. Something like fear he'd find and abuse her if she pressed to finalize the divorce. But he's the one who told you the truth so he's not the problem, is that right? Then it's down to whether you feel this is her only lie now and whether you are confident she won't lie to you in the future....

Op here, thanks for all the comments.

To be fair, we were planning to elope so there are no real "wedding plans" that need to be cancelled should the date change. I think she just thought the paperwork would go through without any problems. Her apartment lease is up soon so we were planning to get married then move her into my apartment.

I have never lied to her about anything, even when it would have been easier to. So that really hurts.

Anonymous wrote:Lying, especially about such a big thing, is a total and complete deal-breaker. Walk away ASAP.

And, remember, the person you thought you loved was someone she constructed to keep you around. She withheld information in order to control your reaction. That is no way to begin a marriage.

+1 to the bolded. She lied and made it so you couldn't make a decision based on her true marital status. She is still lying if her divorce won't be final on your wedding date. Walk away.

Yeah I'd rethink this marriage very carefully. At least get a prenup in case she turns out to be dishonest. Protect yourself.

OP- if she can lie about something like this even after you proposed?

Just imagine what she could or may lie about during your married life together. "Oh I was going to tell you that DS wasn't really yours but I was too afraid of your reaction to paternity test results."

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to all for your input.

It is unclear whether the divorce will be final by the date we are supposed to get married.

That is nuts. Do you mean your fiancee doesn't know or you don't know when the divorce will be final? If your fiancee doesn't know and didn't tell you and in fact picked a date that might make your marriage ILLEGAL, then that's definitely a deal breaker.

Even if she does know and it should be fine but you are the one who doesn't know about the date situation, it is still very bad. This type of lying indicates something about her personality, and it's not good. She's either a coward, a manipulator, or basically incompetent at relationships.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to all for your input.

It is unclear whether the divorce will be final by the date we are supposed to get married.

I'm pretty sure that you have your answer then... good luck, OP.

OP here, thanks to all for your input.

It is unclear whether the divorce will be final by the date we are supposed to get married.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you for the input. It is the lie that concerns me. I asked her multiple times about this. I found out from her soon-to-be-ex, of all things.

lol so they both lied to you? You need to let her go.

I'm a separated women coming out of a long-dead marriage. I am dating. But one of the very first things out of my mouth when I first meet someone with potential is my status. I make it very clear from the beginning that my divorce has yet to be finalized (stupid Virginia and their one year waiting period).

I can't believe she allowed you to get engaged to her and still didn't come clean. I would loved to have heard the conversation on your wedding day "honey, I have something to tell you that might be important..."

I am a divorced woman. I could not get divorced fast enough and I did not date until the paper work was final. There were no children or big assets. It took low cost lawyers fees and was about six months from the day they were filed to the final decree.

Why was she dating not divorced? Is she too poor to file the paperwork? That is the only reason I see to not file the paperwork. I agree with others that there is something else going on here.

I'd be upset about the lie but to be honest I could see how it started small and spun out of control and then it was too late to confess without a lot of hand-wringing and tears. That doesn't make it right. But I can see that happening. It wouldn't seem to me like this was done to purposely deceive you and hurt you. It seems like it was done because she loves you and didn't want to mess anything up. Again, still a bad thing to do, but not with evil intentions.

I would be mad but ultimately if I really loved the person I don't think I'd leave them. It IS just a piece of paper, after all. If all of her other actions indicate that she is a good person and you are in love, I'd get over it.

OP here, thank you for the input. It is the lie that concerns me. I asked her multiple times about this. I found out from her soon-to-be-ex, of all things.