Anonymous
05/05/2017 14:00
Subject: Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
You stop feeling guilty by knowing that you are:
-keeping your door open to her anytime she chooses to use it
-making a reasonable effort to facilitate her relationship with your kids
-traveling to see her regularly, just not weekly (or whatever)
Then you look at what you're doing and say "I'm being a good daughter, even if my mother doesn't acknowledge that". Then STOP expecting your mother to change. She will not. And it's up to you to manage your feelings (guilt). You can not manage HER feelings. She is allowed to be upset you won't come to her every weekend. You are allowed to say no to that request.
-keeping your door open to her anytime she chooses to use it
-making a reasonable effort to facilitate her relationship with your kids
-traveling to see her regularly, just not weekly (or whatever)
Then you look at what you're doing and say "I'm being a good daughter, even if my mother doesn't acknowledge that". Then STOP expecting your mother to change. She will not. And it's up to you to manage your feelings (guilt). You can not manage HER feelings. She is allowed to be upset you won't come to her every weekend. You are allowed to say no to that request.
Anonymous
05/05/2017 13:54
Subject: Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
If she's always been this way, it's anxiety.
If it's becoming worse, it's also a sign of aging.
If it's becoming worse, it's also a sign of aging.
Anonymous
05/05/2017 13:51
Subject: Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think she sees it as doing a favor, even though SHE asks to see them, so she expects me to do the schlepping. Because she's doing a favor.
I see it as she wants to see them at a random time and wants me to coordinate it all.
OMG, OP, I can totally relate. My MIL begs to see the kids (at much inconvenience to us) and then my FIL starts up with us about how we are taking advantage of MIL, how we're not grateful she's "babysitting" them for us for free, and how we have to practically kiss her feet thanking her.
When we back off (basically say no to the visits), she calls us crying (yes, crying) that we won't let her see her grandkids. So, we say okay and the whole cycle starts all over again. Honestly, it's exhausting.
My advice to you? be as straightforward as you can and when she complains that you won't let her see the kids, explain that the drive is too long and you don't need the break. She is more than welcome to visit anytime, but you'll stick to your bi-monthly visits.
This could be me exactly. The issue is, if I say the drive is too far, she will say it's just as far for her. Then she will say we never bring the kids to see her. And the cycle starts again. I NEVER keep the kids from her, like I said I make an effort about twice a month. She makes no effort, and expects me to accommodate everything.
Anonymous
05/05/2017 13:49
Subject: Re:Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
Anonymous wrote:My mom did the same thing.
My therapist asked me why it bothered me and I said it makes me feel guilty, so she told me to stop feeling guilty, so I did. Problem solved.
Why does it bother you?
Interesting!
I don't know, why I let her make me feel guilty. I'm going to feel guilty if I say no too. How did you overcome this? How do you just stop feeling guilty?
Anonymous
05/05/2017 12:26
Subject: Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think she sees it as doing a favor, even though SHE asks to see them, so she expects me to do the schlepping. Because she's doing a favor.
I see it as she wants to see them at a random time and wants me to coordinate it all.
OMG, OP, I can totally relate. My MIL begs to see the kids (at much inconvenience to us) and then my FIL starts up with us about how we are taking advantage of MIL, how we're not grateful she's "babysitting" them for us for free, and how we have to practically kiss her feet thanking her.
When we back off (basically say no to the visits), she calls us crying (yes, crying) that we won't let her see her grandkids. So, we say okay and the whole cycle starts all over again. Honestly, it's exhausting.
My advice to you? be as straightforward as you can and when she complains that you won't let her see the kids, explain that the drive is too long and you don't need the break. She is more than welcome to visit anytime, but you'll stick to your bi-monthly visits.
Anonymous
05/05/2017 12:25
Subject: Re:Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
My mom did the same thing.
My therapist asked me why it bothered me and I said it makes me feel guilty, so she told me to stop feeling guilty, so I did. Problem solved.
Why does it bother you?
My therapist asked me why it bothered me and I said it makes me feel guilty, so she told me to stop feeling guilty, so I did. Problem solved.
Why does it bother you?
Anonymous
05/05/2017 12:18
Subject: Grandma wont come to our house to see kids
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I think she sees it as doing a favor, even though SHE asks to see them, so she expects me to do the schlepping. Because she's doing a favor.
I see it as she wants to see them at a random time and wants me to coordinate it all.
Ok. So stop accepting the "favor". If she says "hey I can help with the kids that day!" you respond with "if you can come here, that'd be great. Otherwise we'll find other arrangements and see you next weekend like we planned. Larla can't wait to play with XYZ!".