Anonymous
04/20/2017 12:43
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Anonymous wrote:I think ultimately the question for parents is how do we encourage our children to be the best they can be without causing unhealthy stress?
We can't just let kids do whatever they want -- b/c a good proportion of them (and us) would sit around and play games or watch tv or surf the internet. Inertia is the natural state of matter, right? So, how do we activate kids and help them see that it is in their own interests to do well (or at least try their best)?
Like everything, it is all shades of gray.
I've already accepted that my kids aren't going to HYP and frankly I doubt that they will get into Uva.... but am I really supposed to just go with the flow when one is getting a C in algebra and doesn't really care to study for tests?
My compromise is to nag when they gets C's but not if they get Bs. I personally have no problem with them going to West Virginia. I do have a problem with them wasting their time in HS not getting an education.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 12:42
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Anonymous wrote:Some children shouldn't go to college, she may eventually sah
You must also be the kind of person who doesn't buy health insurance. No way you are going to have a serious accident, right? Even if she SAH, no way her husband will die, leaving her to support her children.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 12:40
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Its because there is too much income inequality in the country these days. The stakes are higher because of that. You are either so rich you don't know what to do with all your money, or living without health care, one accident away from financial disaster.
Back in the "good old days" there was a class of people (mostly white) who knew that things would be okay even if they ended up in a factory job. Now, nobody feels safe.
Back in the "good old days" there was a class of people (mostly white) who knew that things would be okay even if they ended up in a factory job. Now, nobody feels safe.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 12:36
Subject: Re:The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Listen carefully at the next Christmas cocktail party - the more expensive and exclusive the school, the bigger the gasps and backslaps. Tell somebody your kid - no matter how brilliant or accomplished- is at a state school like George Mason or or VCU and the body language is completely different. Yet if a kid from Jersey got into JMU it would be seen as a huge accomplishment. I guess the moral is the grass is always greener, but these sort of attitudes just add to the madness and pressure.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 12:08
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
And probably my next job will depend on where she chooses to study oveseas for study abroad.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 12:07
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Anonymous wrote:OP I was you 4 years ago. My son attended the gifted center for elementary, Takoma Park for middle until the end of 7th grade when he knew he didn't want to apply for Blair, we then switched him to our home middle school in 8th and he went to his home high school where he was a big fish little pond and took 10 AP's.
He got into UMCP direct admit business school/gemstone program and VA Tech Engineering. He chose to attend South Carolina for International Business (#1 ranked school for International Business in the country) due to merit aid and being able to go out of state for the same amount of money as the cost of staying instate. You would have thought from the reaction of extended family and friends that he turned down Harvard and chose to attend PoDunk University.
Once my son arrived in Carolina he knew he made the right choice. He has enjoyed SEC football, a vibrant college town and gotten a great education. Tell you daughter that no matter what she chose at this stage she would be second guessing and scared. Her choice is not written in stone, if she hates it she can re-evaluate next year.
Good luck to all of you with your transition. Anxiety sucks.
Have we corresponded before? My DD was accepted to South Carolina International Business and she is going to go there. I think it really fits with her growing up lifestyle. I have worked overseas for much of her life, and she has lived in at least six countries with me. I work ias an excutive in the International Busienss filed, even though I don't have either an undergraduate or graduate business degree. She speaks two and half languages already. I have arranged for her to work in Europe this summer and to just take some time off. No one in my family thinks she is attending a PoDunk School, but then only one of us ever went to an Ivy. The rest of the family - my siblings - attended either a private like myself (GWU), the University of Florida or West Point. Only the last seemed to be following in my father's footsteps, otherwise we were raised to follow our own drummers.
Truly, for some, nothing is written!
Anonymous
04/20/2017 11:02
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
OP I was you 4 years ago. My son attended the gifted center for elementary, Takoma Park for middle until the end of 7th grade when he knew he didn't want to apply for Blair, we then switched him to our home middle school in 8th and he went to his home high school where he was a big fish little pond and took 10 AP's.
He got into UMCP direct admit business school/gemstone program and VA Tech Engineering. He chose to attend South Carolina for International Business (#1 ranked school for International Business in the country) due to merit aid and being able to go out of state for the same amount of money as the cost of staying instate. You would have thought from the reaction of extended family and friends that he turned down Harvard and chose to attend PoDunk University.
Once my son arrived in Carolina he knew he made the right choice. He has enjoyed SEC football, a vibrant college town and gotten a great education. Tell you daughter that no matter what she chose at this stage she would be second guessing and scared. Her choice is not written in stone, if she hates it she can re-evaluate next year.
Good luck to all of you with your transition. Anxiety sucks.
He got into UMCP direct admit business school/gemstone program and VA Tech Engineering. He chose to attend South Carolina for International Business (#1 ranked school for International Business in the country) due to merit aid and being able to go out of state for the same amount of money as the cost of staying instate. You would have thought from the reaction of extended family and friends that he turned down Harvard and chose to attend PoDunk University.
Once my son arrived in Carolina he knew he made the right choice. He has enjoyed SEC football, a vibrant college town and gotten a great education. Tell you daughter that no matter what she chose at this stage she would be second guessing and scared. Her choice is not written in stone, if she hates it she can re-evaluate next year.
Good luck to all of you with your transition. Anxiety sucks.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 10:51
Subject: Re:The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
There are so many great college options -- maybe the most important aspect of the process is identifying a place that is likely to be accepted at that has a good vibe. There are going to be lots of great kids there -- the consequence of other schools being so selective.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 10:46
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My daughter has ended up with serious physical illness due to all the pressure at her school and among her peers to get into what is perceived as the "right" school. Her college applications are done and she has chosen a university - not her first or second choice - but one with a highly ranked program in her major and significant financial aid. Despite this, she keeps doubting herself. My wife and I have told her to stop worrying ( something I was surprised to hear my DW say, since she is IMHO an overbearing parent and only I moderate her influence on DD) and to gratefully accept what she has received. My DD is now seeing a therapist because of all the anxiety this has created, and she is on serious medications for what could be a lifelong chronic illness caused by all the anxiety. All this needs to stop! We are not helping are kids by demanding they be perfect! If having a happy, healthy daughter with a C average means having a happy, healthy daughter, I will take that over the A+ with the perfect mix of ECs and the Ivy admittance!
I am a big fan of Julie Lythcott - Haims, formerly a Dean of Admissions at Stanford, noted author of "How to Raise an Adult" and the host of the "Getting In" podcast. The purpose of raising out kids is to raise them to be happy , successful adults, and, contrary to some popular opinions on these boards, happy and successful adults do come out other universities and colleges other than the very small number of them who reject the majority of their applicants yet which many parents seem to focus all their attention as the key to good and happy life.
https://www.ted.com/talks/julie_lythcott_haims_how_to_raise_successful_kids_without_over_parenting
Good discussion following the TED talk. I do wish more parents/educators understood that there's more than college to a happy and successful life.
+1 My kids are already in MS but I enjoyed listening to her "Getting In" podcast and I think it will help me set a good tone as we approach HS and college application years.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 10:46
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some children shouldn't go to college, she may eventually sah
You have problems. Seriously. .
OP, I agree with you. I'm so sorry that your daughter is ill, and hope that her recovery is full and swift. I agree with you completely ~ though my kids are too young yet to worry about this I see it amongst my friends who had kids really early.
Ditto. This was my grandfather's attitude about educating his two daughters. Both did SAH for a while but my aunt ended up working as a nurse (having to get her certification by going to school PT with young children at home) and my mom worked as a secretary for 10 yrs before having kids and then was back to work 16 yrs later and ended up the family breadwinner when dad got laid off. Both would have been better off going to college out of HS even though they spent part of their lives as SAHM.
This is an attitude that should stay back in the 60s!
Anonymous
04/20/2017 10:44
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Anonymous wrote:My daughter has ended up with serious physical illness due to all the pressure at her school and among her peers to get into what is perceived as the "right" school. Her college applications are done and she has chosen a university - not her first or second choice - but one with a highly ranked program in her major and significant financial aid. Despite this, she keeps doubting herself. My wife and I have told her to stop worrying ( something I was surprised to hear my DW say, since she is IMHO an overbearing parent and only I moderate her influence on DD) and to gratefully accept what she has received. My DD is now seeing a therapist because of all the anxiety this has created, and she is on serious medications for what could be a lifelong chronic illness caused by all the anxiety. All this needs to stop! We are not helping are kids by demanding they be perfect! If having a happy, healthy daughter with a C average means having a happy, healthy daughter, I will take that over the A+ with the perfect mix of ECs and the Ivy admittance!
I am a big fan of Julie Lythcott - Haims, formerly a Dean of Admissions at Stanford, noted author of "How to Raise an Adult" and the host of the "Getting In" podcast. The purpose of raising out kids is to raise them to be happy , successful adults, and, contrary to some popular opinions on these boards, happy and successful adults do come out other universities and colleges other than the very small number of them who reject the majority of their applicants yet which many parents seem to focus all their attention as the key to good and happy life.
https://www.ted.com/talks/julie_lythcott_haims_how_to_raise_successful_kids_without_over_parenting
Good discussion following the TED talk. I do wish more parents/educators understood that there's more than college to a happy and successful life.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 10:29
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
It is a cultural problem -- not just a family issue, especially in schools where there are lots of families who are obsessed with college admissions and see it as a really high-stakes process. The number of DC's friends who were in therapy skyrocketed junior year and the stress levels remained high throughout senior year. Empathetic kids who are not dealing with these pressures personally still find themselves taking care of friends who are, walking on eggshells, keeping quiet about their own plans and not asking about others, etc.
At a policy level, I think getting rid of all forms of early action/decision and having every kid get every admissions decision at once would make things better. And superscoring has been a cash cow for College Board but makes the pressure start earlier and last longer for students. Our largely privatized approach to elite education creates collective action problems that get in the way of addressing the crazy kinds of stress we're subjecting (UMC?) teens to these days.
At a policy level, I think getting rid of all forms of early action/decision and having every kid get every admissions decision at once would make things better. And superscoring has been a cash cow for College Board but makes the pressure start earlier and last longer for students. Our largely privatized approach to elite education creates collective action problems that get in the way of addressing the crazy kinds of stress we're subjecting (UMC?) teens to these days.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 10:03
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
I think ultimately the question for parents is how do we encourage our children to be the best they can be without causing unhealthy stress?
We can't just let kids do whatever they want -- b/c a good proportion of them (and us) would sit around and play games or watch tv or surf the internet. Inertia is the natural state of matter, right? So, how do we activate kids and help them see that it is in their own interests to do well (or at least try their best)?
Like everything, it is all shades of gray.
I've already accepted that my kids aren't going to HYP and frankly I doubt that they will get into Uva.... but am I really supposed to just go with the flow when one is getting a C in algebra and doesn't really care to study for tests?
We can't just let kids do whatever they want -- b/c a good proportion of them (and us) would sit around and play games or watch tv or surf the internet. Inertia is the natural state of matter, right? So, how do we activate kids and help them see that it is in their own interests to do well (or at least try their best)?
Like everything, it is all shades of gray.
I've already accepted that my kids aren't going to HYP and frankly I doubt that they will get into Uva.... but am I really supposed to just go with the flow when one is getting a C in algebra and doesn't really care to study for tests?
Anonymous
04/20/2017 10:03
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, sorry to hear the news and sorry about all of the bizarre comments. My advice is time off for daughter. Can she defwr a semester or year? If so, do it. Take the summer and unwind her coil and get her breathing again. Don't use meds for a substitute for the unwinding coil and time off, you still need the unwind. Go for a nice walk every morning, esp this summer. Kids nerves get fried and so does the adrenals and thyroid--->> so you must get a thyroid panel blood test. In other words, parts of the birnout can be physical. Go get a good physical and check it out. I bet she's overworked and needs to recover.
Signed,
Been there/done that
Good advice.
Meds are risks business, so should be only a last resort.
Anonymous
04/20/2017 09:59
Subject: The college arms race is harming us as parents and making our kids sick!
^defer