Anonymous wrote:I am a child of a divorced-as-an-adult couple. My mom is my mom. She always will be. Just as my dad will always be my dad. I am absolutely fine with them not being together anymore, but I refuse to ignore the existence of either one of my parents, and the role that they play in my life, at any point. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't have married someone with kids!

+1

My dad got divorced. Not me. You and he should both care about the kids and all the things that happen to them, which includes experiences with mom. My bro and I are careful to keep my mom's business private, and we won't let either dad or mom speak ill of the other to us (it's been 25 years now), but we don't pretend mom isn't there.

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. You can never say anything negative about her to the kids. Ever. Just listen and say I'm sorry.

My stepmother would always tell me this.

I could call my mother a bitch but if my stepmother did it, I would be upset. Same with my husband. I could complain to him and call her a butch letting out my steam, but if he called her one, I would take offense. Weird I know.

Just be a listening ear.

And this. I only say positive things about my step kids' mom.

Anonymous wrote:Wait, why shouldn't my stepkids talk about their mom in front of or with me? That doesn't make any sense.

This. It has never crossed my mind that they shouldn't talk about their mom. That's their MOM!

I would just listen and not contribute to the conversation unless I asked something directly. Usually kids talking about their mom are either talking to each other or to their dad and it's usually in a matter-of-fact way, like they are telling a story and mom this and mom that.

I wouldn't ask further questions and wouldn't call attention to myself, I'd just be there, part of the group conversation and listening.

Just listen and learn. You may catch on to a lot that way. Chances are, whatever you know about her from your husband is not 100% of the story. Never say anything bad about her, just listen.

Do not expect that the children will censor their conversation for your benefit. They have enough divorce hassle and awkwardness to put up with already, and they are not going to tiptoe around your feelings or pretend the past and present are different than they are. It was your choice to marry into a divorced family and this is part of the package. If it bothers you, that's on you.

Two of my children are adults, and they bring up their father in front of their stepfather. It's a non-issue. My Ex and DH have eaten meals together, watched plays together, run birthday parties together, etc.

I engage only in positive conversations. If the conversation is negative, do not participate. If I am directly engaged, for example if one of my stepsons complains to me about his mom, I'll listen, but end up mildly defending her, "It's hard to be a parent, you'll see someday" and move on. In all actuality I think his mom is a dumb, selfish, crazy bitch, but I keep that to myself!

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, hold your horses everyone. I think the op is simply asking what is the proper etiquette for when the conservation turns to the mother. Should she engage (most people will tell her to zip it), but then if she remains quiet (most will think she is being a snarky bitch). I'm guessing she can't win either way.

I would shake head yes in amfirmation if it's a positive topic, if it's negative simply walk away and do not engage ever.

Good luck!

That's how I interpreted it as well - as much as I'd love to get some more info on my SD's mom (she's a good mom, but makes some odd personal decisions!), I usually just let SD talk, engage a little, but not pry. And SD is a little young than an adult, so sometimes if it's something a little negative that has more to do with the typically myopic view of children, I'll actually defend her mom.