I was hanging out with a group of special needs mom friends a few years ago and someone had a Star Magazine or some such celebrity photo thing with a picture of a star and her two young children. The first mom pointed to "signs" that one of the youngsters "clearly" was on the spectrum, indicating what she said were two or three clear red flags that jumped right out to her.

I then said that I had thought the other child clearly had cerebral palsy, based on what to me looked like clear motoric deficits.

Another mother said she thought the mother had an eating disorder, which she could tell having suffered from such her entire life.

Be careful when you have a hammer. Everything looks like a nail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a tendency in families to see patterns when a family member is newly diagnosed. I've seen this in my own family.

The fact that you are or were socially awkward and have a tendency toward repetitive motion does not make you a person with ASD, OP. That's way too simplistic and really kind of an obnoxious way of looking at ASD. It's as if you were just diagnosed with arthritis and I said to you "Oh, I sometimes feel achy in the morning too! I must have arthritis!"

It's also kind of obnoxious not to put some trust in a person's intuition about himself. When it became clear our son might have Asperger's, both my husband and myself were quick to think maybe my husband has it too. It can be a very helpful realization to have, and I'm sure OP wasn't basing it just on a couple things. (why should he explain ALL his reflections on it?)

OP, I don't think you need to talk directly about your son's risk of his own child having it. I do think it's perfectly appropriate for you to talk about your own thoughts about yourself. You would need to check with your daughter and her son if it's okay to talk about your grandson's diagnosis. Or perhaps your daughter would like to talk to her brother about that herself. In any case, it's perfectly appropriate for anyone to talk about their own psychology with friends and family. I think it could be very helpful for your son to learn your thoughts about yourself, in terms of understanding you, and your relationship with him, and his upbringing. Perhaps it could improve understanding between you. It could also be helpful for the family to know your grandson's diagnosis, in order to have a better relationship with him. But you need to talk to your daughter about how they are handling that.

Why? Why are you so sure when dozens of posters on the Special Needs Forum do just that -- base their presumption of autism on just a couple of things.

It is very different to be presuming other people are autistic based on your simplistic observations. But it's quite a different thing to reflect on yourself and your own life and see signs of autism. That would almost certainly involve deeper, perhaps sometimes painful, reflection.

I will absolutely continue to lightly have this discussion with my tween non-ASD DD. She has suffered enough having a brother with ASD and it is a huge fear of mine that she will have a child with it. It's been extremely hard on her and she has her own related anxieties and obvious distress. DS is doing great and, like the PP's, I would never want to not have him, but it hasn't been an easy road and I wouldn't wish the problems on my worst enemy. Yes, anything can happen to anybody, but when you have Asperger's so strongly on both sides as we do, it only makes sense to be alert. Not obsessed or anxious, but alert.

We have ASD in our family. As soon as someone mentioned it in regards to my son and I read about it, I recognized it in my brother. I also recognize pieces of it in myself that led to innumerable social problems, ostracization, and depression. I love my son dearly and he is so smart and funny and I would never choose not to have him, but I can also appreciate the value of prior information. Since we know dyslexia runs in DH'S family, we know to watch for that. I don't see it as appreciably different. I think OP should disclose the genetic predisposition but avoid the temptation to pressure about having or not having children.

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to jump to eugenics. If a family knows there is a genetic predisposition, they can get screened earlier, put therapies in place, school supports, etc... And, while ASD in some people is high-IQ, in some others it is more debilitating. That is the truth of the spectrum. Information is power. But it is an awesome power to either share or not share because of the potential damage to how that information is received.

A person can have a high IQ and still have debilitating autism. My friend has Asperger's, took a college course in computer programing and had a job. He has a high IQ.

But, he receives SSI, where his mom is his payee. He stays home all day and plays video games. He lacks social skills required to maintain a job. He interrupts, is unfocused, appears not to be engaged. He thinks it's OK to approach a beautiful girl and ask for sex, not understanding why that is sexual harassment or that a woman will perceive him as a creep for doing that, even after repeated explanations. He never washed his dishes. His dishes weren't washed until he got a home health aide, who started washing his dishes for him. All from a guy with a high IQ, who knows some computer programming.

It's silly to claim that all neurodiversity is good. True, a single dose of cycle cell anemia offers some protection against malaria, but there is little to be said for Tay-Sachs Disease. There is little to be said for ASD either. My son has ASD and I don't see what good it does him. Some say that those with ASD tend to have higher IQs. Many of my fellow stutterers make the same claim. The claim is based upon a flawed test conducted years ago at the University of Iowa which showed that the test subjects were in the top 10% of the IQ spectrum. But that was because EVERYBODY at the University of Iowa was in the top 10% of the spectrum, just as they are at most universities. In actual fact, unbiased tests show that our mean IQ is to the left of the general population. So there is little to recommend the genes which cause stuttering to run in families either. Neurodiversity can be great, but not invariably.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a tendency in families to see patterns when a family member is newly diagnosed. I've seen this in my own family.

The fact that you are or were socially awkward and have a tendency toward repetitive motion does not make you a person with ASD, OP. That's way too simplistic and really kind of an obnoxious way of looking at ASD. It's as if you were just diagnosed with arthritis and I said to you "Oh, I sometimes feel achy in the morning too! I must have arthritis!"

It's also kind of obnoxious not to put some trust in a person's intuition about himself. When it became clear our son might have Asperger's, both my husband and myself were quick to think maybe my husband has it too. It can be a very helpful realization to have, and I'm sure OP wasn't basing it just on a couple things. (why should he explain ALL his reflections on it?)

OP, I don't think you need to talk directly about your son's risk of his own child having it. I do think it's perfectly appropriate for you to talk about your own thoughts about yourself. You would need to check with your daughter and her son if it's okay to talk about your grandson's diagnosis. Or perhaps your daughter would like to talk to her brother about that herself. In any case, it's perfectly appropriate for anyone to talk about their own psychology with friends and family. I think it could be very helpful for your son to learn your thoughts about yourself, in terms of understanding you, and your relationship with him, and his upbringing. Perhaps it could improve understanding between you. It could also be helpful for the family to know your grandson's diagnosis, in order to have a better relationship with him. But you need to talk to your daughter about how they are handling that.

Why? Why are you so sure when dozens of posters on the Special Needs Forum do just that -- base their presumption of autism on just a couple of things.

Don't feel guilty, OP. There are lots of people out there who think ASD needs to be "fixed", but there are also lots of people who recognize that ASD is just part of the human spectrum.

You sound like a smart, social, caring guy - clearly your ASD tendencies didn't stop you from becoming a great version of yourself. Your family will be great too, and the best thing you can do for future ASD grand babies is offer them an environment where they know they'll be loved exactly how they are.

Anonymous wrote:There is a tendency in families to see patterns when a family member is newly diagnosed. I've seen this in my own family.

The fact that you are or were socially awkward and have a tendency toward repetitive motion does not make you a person with ASD, OP. That's way too simplistic and really kind of an obnoxious way of looking at ASD. It's as if you were just diagnosed with arthritis and I said to you "Oh, I sometimes feel achy in the morning too! I must have arthritis!"

It's also kind of obnoxious not to put some trust in a person's intuition about himself. When it became clear our son might have Asperger's, both my husband and myself were quick to think maybe my husband has it too. It can be a very helpful realization to have, and I'm sure OP wasn't basing it just on a couple things. (why should he explain ALL his reflections on it?)

OP, I don't think you need to talk directly about your son's risk of his own child having it. I do think it's perfectly appropriate for you to talk about your own thoughts about yourself. You would need to check with your daughter and her son if it's okay to talk about your grandson's diagnosis. Or perhaps your daughter would like to talk to her brother about that herself. In any case, it's perfectly appropriate for anyone to talk about their own psychology with friends and family. I think it could be very helpful for your son to learn your thoughts about yourself, in terms of understanding you, and your relationship with him, and his upbringing. Perhaps it could improve understanding between you. It could also be helpful for the family to know your grandson's diagnosis, in order to have a better relationship with him. But you need to talk to your daughter about how they are handling that.

There is a tendency in families to see patterns when a family member is newly diagnosed. I've seen this in my own family.

The fact that you are or were socially awkward and have a tendency toward repetitive motion does not make you a person with ASD, OP. That's way too simplistic and really kind of an obnoxious way of looking at ASD. It's as if you were just diagnosed with arthritis and I said to you "Oh, I sometimes feel achy in the morning too! I must have arthritis!"

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to jump to eugenics. If a family knows there is a genetic predisposition, they can get screened earlier, put therapies in place, school supports, etc... And, while ASD in some people is high-IQ, in some others it is more debilitating. That is the truth of the spectrum. Information is power. But it is an awesome power to either share or not share because of the potential damage to how that information is received.

I would totally share this with the future wife, because she needs to know. It seems this family doesn't talk about it, which is fine in their dynamic, but not fine to a future in-law who will probably deal with the consequences down the road. Don't surprise her. She needs to research for her potential children's sake and what supports they might need. Don't let her go into this blind, that is abuse.

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to jump to eugenics. If a family knows there is a genetic predisposition, they can get screened earlier, put therapies in place, school supports, etc... And, while ASD in some people is high-IQ, in some others it is more debilitating. That is the truth of the spectrum. Information is power. But it is an awesome power to either share or not share because of the potential damage to how that information is received.

The OP jumped to eugenics, "the science of improving a human population by controlled breeding to increase the occurrence of desirable heritable characteristics..." that's the basic definition of it.

If the OP didn't find the time to talk about what's been diagnosed and not diagnosed in the family, he/she's picking a crapy time to do so.

OP- don't say anything to your son. You will cause undue stress and worry. ASD and ADHD run in our family - yes, my son inherited it. I wouldn't change anything - not having him because of worries about inherited conditions is something I might have considered because I am so anxious. Not having him would have been the greatest loss and tragedy of my life.