I think this is a great article regarding feeding children:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2678872/

My parents give my kids much more junk than I'd allow, but because they see them infrequently, it's not a big deal to me. Funnily enough, my mother was extremely restrictive about our diet and used to complain about her parents! Anyway, she was so restrictive that it had the opposite effect on me, which the article talks about.

My own mother is like this. I told her how we feel about her sneaking excessive reats behind our backs, but she maintained that we just need to "let her spoil" our kids. So, one morning I walked in the kitchen to see her feeding my kids chocolate chip cookie and peanut butter "sandwiches". At 6 am. I said, "get up, we're leaving". We didn't see her for a year. She stopped.

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. I have the same problem with MIL. Part of my issue is the lack of respect she has for our parenting. She is also teaching the kids it's ok to sneak things despite knowing the rules. I know kids will inherently sneak on their own at some point, but they don't need a free pass from grandma saying it's ok to disrespect your parents rules. Plus, one of my kids is extra crazy on too much sugar. She claims - "I didn't realize she did that!" Every time! Really lady?!? I'm lucky my husband has stood up to her and now she backs off.

I actually think the boldest is one of the most problematic aspects of what this Grandma is doing. It's one thing to openly do something different than what parents do, but this kind of behavior teaches kids that their parents rules are NBD to follow and reinforces all the wrong lessons about junk food that decades of research say leads to poor eating habits (e.g. that candy is "better" than eggs etc).

There was a PP that suggested teaching young kids to bring treats to you before eating and then talk more frankly with older kids about nutrition. I think this is a good idea, and pretty similar to what we do...though we don't have grandparents that are so undermining to deal with either. But DD goes to a lot of parties etc, and we have a ton of candy around the house for whatever reason it seems. She knows exactly where it is and where to find it. And she loves to eat candy. But she knows that she needs to ask our permission before eating anything, candy or cheerios or broccoli. She gets some candy everyday after dinner if she wants it as long as she tries everything on her plate (doesn't have to clean it). She knows that she pretty much always gets ice cream when we go to a restaurant, but even her parents don't eat it at home. She is usually pretty happy after just a piece of candy and doesn't really ask for excessive amounts. She's only 3, so this all may change...but right now it's working to have her be the stop valve on candy/treats intake instead of expecting the world not to give them to her.

Anonymous wrote:We also have a local grandparent who does this. As a result, we limit visits.

I agree. It's not worth it for my child to have a relationship with her grandma if she's going to end up fat and unhealthy because of all the sugar grandma's giving her! Our grandma is thin herself but that's beyond the point.

These are your own parents. The respect thing should flow from you to them as well.

This will sound horrible, but I let me kids eat the excessive amount that their Gma offered until the point where they got sick and puked.

Nothing else worked. Not telling them no after she'd given them something, not lectures about healthy habits, not saying we'd eat it later after a meal, not lecturing her about too much junk.

After a few times of eating so much junk that they puked or got stomach aches, they started declining her offered food/saving it for later.

An example of a visit to Grandma's house would be... arrive early that morning to a prepared breakfast of french toast, chocolate chip pancakes, muffins, eggs & bacon. She'd always have some kind of baked good made that they could have "as a snack" before lunch. Then we'd have lunch and dessert. Then she'd give more baked goods later in the afternoon and dessert after dinner, of course. My MIL's food is awesome because she's a retired pastry chef, but no one needs that amount of baked goods she provides for one family visit of just 4 people.

I read everyone the riot act about not following food rules since my kid had issues regulating sugar (hypoglycemia issues, so real ones).

One grandparent mostly respected.

One didn't.

Ultimately affected contact since failing to follow the food rules led to behavior issues in my kid, and no one wants that.

Anonymous wrote:The real question here is why this drives you insane. I suspect this is your problem, not her problem. Because this really is not a big deal that your kids eat an extra desert or a few gummy bears. So why do you let it get to you? Because you can't stand being around a morbidly obese person? Because you can't control her? Because she can't control herself?

NP here. I have the same problem with MIL. Part of my issue is the lack of respect she has for our parenting. She is also teaching the kids it's ok to sneak things despite knowing the rules. I know kids will inherently sneak on their own at some point, but they don't need a free pass from grandma saying it's ok to disrespect your parents rules. Plus, one of my kids is extra crazy on too much sugar. She claims - "I didn't realize she did that!" Every time! Really lady?!? I'm lucky my husband has stood up to her and now she backs off.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Clearly these PP don't know just how hard it can be. My MIL is also morbidly obsese and very defensive about it. She too, has mobility issues. Yet she has no problem feeding grandkids junk until they throw up and undermining parents about food at every opportunity. She has put soda in sippy cups and literally cries at seeing young children get water over juice. I'm so over it. Do these other PPs know just how crappy it is to put a sobbing, sugar crashing kid to bed? It's miserable for everyone. I've seen my SIL tell her not to bring sweets repeatedly and then MIL show up with a double batch of brownies. SIL said "thank you" and then turned around and threw them in the trash. I wish I had that strength. It's maddening.

This is what I would do. How incredibly inconsiderate to bring unwanted food into someone's house just to meet your own emotional needs.

The real question here is why this drives you insane. I suspect this is your problem, not her problem. Because this really is not a big deal that your kids eat an extra desert or a few gummy bears. So why do you let it get to you? Because you can't stand being around a morbidly obese person? Because you can't control her? Because she can't control herself?

Are most visits at your house or hers? If at yours, can you ask her to limit the treats she brings to just one? "We have limits on what the kids can eat, and I know you like to bring treats. How about you bring those great brownies, but not the other candy. We have plenty of snacks for them here". Allow her to bring SOMETHING to keep the peace.

At her house, it depends on how old the kids are. Can they advocate for themselves? Tell them they may have one morning treat and one afternoon treat, even if grandma says otherwise. And talk about not keeping secrets from you. My kids know that Grandma doesn't enforce rules and they often tell her "we aren't allowed to do that" (like, the 6 year old can't ride his bike "just this once" without a helmet. )