Anonymous
Post 04/15/2017 05:52     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:What's always helped me to keep the future in perspective is this. I don't buy into everyone needing college and the over achievement attitude of this area. The goal is for my child to be self supporting and be able to move out. Of course I want more than the minimum for him, but I didn't know if that would happen. I keep my eye on the prize and always have a goal that leads to the end. I recognize that I can't work on everything at once and also that all goals have to be broken down into manageable parts. These are my goals for my son not his.

The hardest thing is the early teen years. During that time, I had to pick and choose battles, goals, etc. between the disability and the hormones, life was tough for everyone. I try to remember that it was worse to be him than to live with him. And there are some things you just have to let go until a time when is capable of being receptive to what you are trying to achieve.


I think this is very good advice. We try to do similar with similar ideas about the future.
Anonymous
Post 04/12/2017 19:16     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:So just to throw this out there, I started going to religious services by myself and also starting a daily prayer regimen. I know some people do meditation, but I am really really bad at meditation. Maybe meditation would help you. For me, prayer really helps me center myself and regroup. I do these prayers for starving people and homeless people and it helps me gain perspective.

I also do the Prozac and the psychiatrist, etc but it sounds like you're already doing that.

The key is, in order for it to be a therapeutic experience for you, you cannot bring the anxiety-causing kid to temple/church. I know that sounds harsh but worship with your SN kid is a totally different thing, definitely has merit but serves a different purpose.




For those of us who have come out the other side, it does not sound harsh. You need to be able to regroup and if you are constantly on call, you have no chance of regrouping.
Anonymous
Post 04/12/2017 15:05     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say that you are not alone! I could have written this post, and also struggle with anxiety in situations where I know DC might react from past experiences. Wellbutrin and time have helped some, as well as seeing my child improve somewhat with age and a more suitable school environment.


Op here. Thanks. We were at a Passover Seder tonight and it's so hard to see other kids (younger than DS) able to sit through the Seder while my DS sneers at me and sends awful text messages during every break. Can I really chalk that up to anxiety? All I know is that it put me on edge throughout the evening, which makes me sad.


I have been in similar situations OP and although you have to find the right balance, we very often avoid situations where my extremely anxious DC is not likely to do well. Crowded, loud places, places where there are strong expectations for behavior, places where my kid will be surrounded by people he/she does not know well. It makes life easier for all of us. You don't want to accommodate the anxiety with avoidance, but there are many situations where I can anticipate how difficult they will be for DC and, in turn, us as parents, and we just don't go or find a lower-key way to participate. (Show up for dessert, or come early/leave early.)
Anonymous
Post 04/12/2017 14:56     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
So just to throw this out there, I started going to religious services by myself and also starting a daily prayer regimen. I know some people do meditation, but I am really really bad at meditation. Maybe meditation would help you. For me, prayer really helps me center myself and regroup. I do these prayers for starving people and homeless people and it helps me gain perspective.

I also do the Prozac and the psychiatrist, etc but it sounds like you're already doing that.

The key is, in order for it to be a therapeutic experience for you, you cannot bring the anxiety-causing kid to temple/church. I know that sounds harsh but worship with your SN kid is a totally different thing, definitely has merit but serves a different purpose.


Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 18:59     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Hi,

I’m a former teacher and work in the local public school district. I love working with anxiety and aspie kids and their parents! You two are blessed to have each other. You don’t say where you live, but most districts have a special education department that works with students who struggle with problems as common as your child’s. (Don’t be scared of the term “special ed.” It doesn’t mean DS has a permanent “disability,” just some mental traits that are unhelpful to his/her success, and the district can offer advice with or without an official diagnosis.)

You said that your main trouble is maintaining your own mental/physical/relational health thru all this. I completely understand. Being a caregiver is no easy task, and I have great respect for you sticking with this. The local district office has social workers who might be able to connect you to parent support groups. Also look online. I definitely encourage you to reach out to support groups and local community resources for parents of children with mental health/autism challenges. DS might be a mild case compared to some of the other kids, or maybe not. You’ll belong no matter what, and many of their strategies are very helpful to all parents, even those with NT (neurotypical) kids. The understanding, great ideas, and relationship is often VERY rewarding, and no one should EVER make you justify being there, with or without an official diagnosis.

Don’t lose heart! As one previous poster said, try to remember that your ultimate goal is a loving relationship with your child and making him/her a self-sufficient and fully functional adult, not to have an academic whiz or even a child free of anxiety. And you do note that things have improved, which is a big victory! You’ve clearly been doing a lot of things right, so kudos to you, Dad! And remember, LOTS of adults struggle with the same issues as DS, so if DS can master them now, he’ll be leaps and bounds ahead of many of his peers – a mentor, even! And you might, too J. That might inspire DS to think about. Maybe he and you can bond over this issue -- maybe make a pact to not let each others' anxieties, moods, etc. be any lack of permission for the other to be happy and worry free. That would be codependent, and you two are both independent men together! And one last thing that you might consider couples counseling. You and your wife can actually use this to team together and be each other’s friend and heart-lover. If I can be of further help, please let me know. I’d love to help you if I can. - RLC
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 18:54     Subject: How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually have a kid with Asperger's not just tendencies and ADHD and I don't tolerate "outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior." Having ASD and/or ADHD is not a "pass" for acting like a jerk.

Sneering at you and sending nasty text messages during passover Seder! Warn him ahead of time and tell him the consequences for acting like a jerk and stick with it.

You should take a parenting class with Dr. Shapiro or similar. Don't tolerate this type of behaviors. You are not doing your son any favors by doing so.


If you actually took a parenting class, it would tell you that sustained behavior change comes through positive reinforcement. Basic Kazdin Method and what Dr. Shapiro teaches. So stop being so basic, b*tch. Practice what you "preach."


Agree. Also if you've met one kid with Aspergers you know one kid with Aspergers. Every kid is different and for me positive reinforcement has worked best. When we have tried to implement consequences he just becomes more rigid and antagonistic.


NP here. My kids have ADHD/anxiety. I agree that it is unacceptable to tolerate rude/insulting behavior - yet you have to pick/choose your battles. I've taken a lot of classes, read a lot of books and have excellent routines/structures at home. I also have teenagers and what I do with them isn't much different than what I did when they were toddlers and pre-teens. BTW, I've found the Yes, Your Teen IS Crazy helpful.

I've had to change the way I do things and my kids' 'currency' has changed. I don't take my kids' phones away. They 'lose' them when they demonstrate poor behavior. Texting during meals? It's a signal to me they haven't learned/remembered manners. They lose the phone. Yelling at me? I point out that I'm not yelling and walk away. I'll tolerate a certain level of rudeness but not insults. The hardest thing, and most important, is not to get my emotions drawn into the interactions. It's harder for my DH (who also has ADHD) but he's gotten better. Hugs, OP. I know how hard this is.

Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 18:45     Subject: How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually have a kid with Asperger's not just tendencies and ADHD and I don't tolerate "outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior." Having ASD and/or ADHD is not a "pass" for acting like a jerk.

Sneering at you and sending nasty text messages during passover Seder! Warn him ahead of time and tell him the consequences for acting like a jerk and stick with it.

You should take a parenting class with Dr. Shapiro or similar. Don't tolerate this type of behaviors. You are not doing your son any favors by doing so.


Mean, unhelpful post.


Not being mean. No reasonable person is going to "learn to tolerate" their kid or anyone else "sneering" at them and sending them nasty texts. Of course these behaviors are going to "get to you" - they are meant to especially if it is your kid doing them to you. These behaviors have nothing to do with having "Asperger's tendencies" or anxiety so stop making excuses for the kid and take a parenting class.


As other have said, maybe in your child's case this is true, but in general, these behaviors have *everything* to do with anxiety and Aspergers tendencies.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 18:07     Subject: How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually have a kid with Asperger's not just tendencies and ADHD and I don't tolerate "outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior." Having ASD and/or ADHD is not a "pass" for acting like a jerk.

Sneering at you and sending nasty text messages during passover Seder! Warn him ahead of time and tell him the consequences for acting like a jerk and stick with it.

You should take a parenting class with Dr. Shapiro or similar. Don't tolerate this type of behaviors. You are not doing your son any favors by doing so.


If you actually took a parenting class, it would tell you that sustained behavior change comes through positive reinforcement. Basic Kazdin Method and what Dr. Shapiro teaches. So stop being so basic, b*tch. Practice what you "preach."


Agree. Also if you've met one kid with Aspergers you know one kid with Aspergers. Every kid is different and for me positive reinforcement has worked best. When we have tried to implement consequences he just becomes more rigid and antagonistic.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 17:47     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I added Wellbutrin to my Prozac; very helpful even to the point where I can ignore DS outbursts and address him calmly.


NP here - I take Wellbutrin and some days its not enough to keep me from breaking down and crying. Maybe I need to add Prozac......

OP I know how you feel - and it is very hard to not get completely demoralized/anxious, depressed every time your child acts out, seems out of control, is rude, difficult you name it. What is actually harder for me is when my kid has a few good weeks and seems like he is on the right track, and then BAM, back to ground zero, or even worse than ground zero. That is the worse. I am now to the point where I feel like I can't ever expect my child to be on the right path with medication/therapy and everything else we are doing for him. It feels like sooner or later, it will all go to shit again and we have to start all over. Its exhausting emotionally. I try really hard to be "happy" but it feels like its impossible when you are dealing with this day in and day out.


Another NP here. You just described our life with my son and I absolutely agree, one of the hardest parts is when we have a few good days/weeks and I think the worst is behind us. That he's growing out of the really hard stuff. And then there's an illness, or a big transition, or the wind blows the wrong way, and we end up right back where we were and I am absolutely gutted. Without hope. The roller coaster ride of unpredictability is so unbelievably hard to live with. .




Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 17:46     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I added Wellbutrin to my Prozac; very helpful even to the point where I can ignore DS outbursts and address him calmly.


NP here - I take Wellbutrin and some days its not enough to keep me from breaking down and crying. Maybe I need to add Prozac......

OP I know how you feel - and it is very hard to not get completely demoralized/anxious, depressed every time your child acts out, seems out of control, is rude, difficult you name it. What is actually harder for me is when my kid has a few good weeks and seems like he is on the right track, and then BAM, back to ground zero, or even worse than ground zero. That is the worse. I am now to the point where I feel like I can't ever expect my child to be on the right path with medication/therapy and everything else we are doing for him. It feels like sooner or later, it will all go to shit again and we have to start all over. Its exhausting emotionally. I try really hard to be "happy" but it feels like its impossible when you are dealing with this day in and day out.

Another NP here. You just described our life with my son and I absolutely agree, one of the hardest parts is when we have a few good days/weeks and I think the worst is behind us. That he's growing out of the really hard stuff. And then there's an illness, or a big transition, or the wind blows the wrong way, and we end up right back where we were and I am absolutely gutted. Without hope. The roller coaster ride of unpredictability is so unbelievably hard to live with. .





Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 17:03     Subject: How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:I actually have a kid with Asperger's not just tendencies and ADHD and I don't tolerate "outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior." Having ASD and/or ADHD is not a "pass" for acting like a jerk.

Sneering at you and sending nasty text messages during passover Seder! Warn him ahead of time and tell him the consequences for acting like a jerk and stick with it.

You should take a parenting class with Dr. Shapiro or similar. Don't tolerate this type of behaviors. You are not doing your son any favors by doing so.


If you actually took a parenting class, it would tell you that sustained behavior change comes through positive reinforcement. Basic Kazdin Method and what Dr. Shapiro teaches. So stop being so basic, b*tch. Practice what you "preach."
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 16:47     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:I added Wellbutrin to my Prozac; very helpful even to the point where I can ignore DS outbursts and address him calmly.


NP here - I take Wellbutrin and some days its not enough to keep me from breaking down and crying. Maybe I need to add Prozac......

OP I know how you feel - and it is very hard to not get completely demoralized/anxious, depressed every time your child acts out, seems out of control, is rude, difficult you name it. What is actually harder for me is when my kid has a few good weeks and seems like he is on the right track, and then BAM, back to ground zero, or even worse than ground zero. That is the worse. I am now to the point where I feel like I can't ever expect my child to be on the right path with medication/therapy and everything else we are doing for him. It feels like sooner or later, it will all go to shit again and we have to start all over. Its exhausting emotionally. I try really hard to be "happy" but it feels like its impossible when you are dealing with this day in and day out.





Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 14:40     Subject: Re:How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
What is your *typical* reaction to one of these episodes, and what is your *goal* reaction? Would be helpful to know where specifically you feel you fall short in the moment and where you would like to be in the moment?

Every child is different, so how I dealt with my tweenage drama bug might not be effective for yours. I saw improvement when I breezily brushed her off and treated the outburst for the nonsense it is. This could be disastrous for a different type of kid.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 14:19     Subject: How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually have a kid with Asperger's not just tendencies and ADHD and I don't tolerate "outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior." Having ASD and/or ADHD is not a "pass" for acting like a jerk.

Sneering at you and sending nasty text messages during passover Seder! Warn him ahead of time and tell him the consequences for acting like a jerk and stick with it.

You should take a parenting class with Dr. Shapiro or similar. Don't tolerate this type of behaviors. You are not doing your son any favors by doing so.


Mean, unhelpful post.


Not being mean. No reasonable person is going to "learn to tolerate" their kid or anyone else "sneering" at them and sending them nasty texts. Of course these behaviors are going to "get to you" - they are meant to especially if it is your kid doing them to you. These behaviors have nothing to do with having "Asperger's tendencies" or anxiety so stop making excuses for the kid and take a parenting class.


I know a lot of kids with rude behaviors and their parents "don't tolerate" them and the kids still act out. I've read almost every book ever mentioned on this board over the past year on parenting a kid with challenging behaviors, have been to KKI and Dr. Shapiro's class. I use every trick possible yet my kid does sometimes act like this.


That's being a kid and hitting puberty. As long as he does not do it all the time, you can tell yourself the only behavior you have full control over is your own. Maybe get better help for your anxiety.

It's a wonder we all grow up and not have our parents kill us when we were teenagers... but most everyone survives.
Anonymous
Post 04/11/2017 14:01     Subject: How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I actually have a kid with Asperger's not just tendencies and ADHD and I don't tolerate "outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior." Having ASD and/or ADHD is not a "pass" for acting like a jerk.

Sneering at you and sending nasty text messages during passover Seder! Warn him ahead of time and tell him the consequences for acting like a jerk and stick with it.

You should take a parenting class with Dr. Shapiro or similar. Don't tolerate this type of behaviors. You are not doing your son any favors by doing so.


Mean, unhelpful post.


Not being mean. No reasonable person is going to "learn to tolerate" their kid or anyone else "sneering" at them and sending them nasty texts. Of course these behaviors are going to "get to you" - they are meant to especially if it is your kid doing them to you. These behaviors have nothing to do with having "Asperger's tendencies" or anxiety so stop making excuses for the kid and take a parenting class.


I know a lot of kids with rude behaviors and their parents "don't tolerate" them and the kids still act out. I've read almost every book ever mentioned on this board over the past year on parenting a kid with challenging behaviors, have been to KKI and Dr. Shapiro's class. I use every trick possible yet my kid does sometimes act like this.