Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes I'm in therapy and the therapist sides with me. I believe age is a number of how long you've lived, and your actions, not age, make you an adult.

O.k. I think that there are a lot of details that you are leaving out here. But that's fine, we don't need to know them all.

At 20, your daughter is a legal adult and not under your control - she can stay out after dark if that is her choice. But, if you are providing the car that she's driving and the roof over her head and her cell phone then you have the power to take those things away and restrict access to them as needed.

OP here. She pays for her own cell phone and has no car.

How is she going out at night? Are friends driving her around? Is she walking? Is she expecting you to drive out and pick her up? What exactly is the scenario for this?

I understand that YOU don't feel comfortable being out after dark. So she shouldn't be relying on you to help her stay out after dark. If she is out partying with friends the last thing that you want her doing is riding home with someone under the influence. So maybe it's better that she just stay out overnight at a friend's house.

My daughter is 20 and I've posted here before (with similar hard core backlash for doing so). I find it funny that so many think that once a kid turns 20 they all of a sudden are completely self sufficient and independent. I just assume most of these folks have kids who are like 6 years old who think they are such amazing parents that their kids will all be brilliant college students living away from home with no issues at all. None of them will ever have challenging situations and their teens will be amazing and perfect. When your kids are young it's very easy to judge how you will feel when your kids are 18-20.

in my case, my daughter has an illness which makes her situation a bit unique (she's unable to be completely independent). I never saw that life hiccup coming and never thought I'd be where I am today, looking for help raising a young adult with challenges.

What I can tell you is that on this board, you won't get much support. You'll get berated for "hovering". Regardless of the situation. Because in "internet land", everyone's 20 year olds are perfect and living as independent young adults.

That said, you don't say whether your child (yes, she is still your child even though she's 20) has any unique situation to consider.

At 20, living at home is challenging for a parent. The child is too old to have a curfew, but there should be (in my opinion) a level of respect there (i.e., if the kid goes out they should at least send a text saying they are not coming home....not just stay out all night leaving worried parents up all night when the clock strikes 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am....). That's the challenge I'm currently facing with my daughter. I thought about posting about it but I know the responses would be "if she was living away at college you would never know she didn't come home...stop hovering", etc. (my response would be that if my daughter was living away at school and went to a party and never came home, I'd hope her roommate would be worried too...).

The point I'm trying to make is that raising kids in the immediate post high school years is very hard, especially when your kid (for whatever reason) is not away at college. And there's not a lot of help out there for you. Definitely not here, that's for sure.

In your case, your post (to me) sounds like you are possibly not from the YS ((you remind me of a few friends of mine who come from countries where kids are raised very differently). If that's the case I'm not sure you're going to find the support you are looking for here.

If it's not the case, and your kid does not have any special circumstances that make your (and her) situation unique, I wonder what has gone on in your life that makes you feel so afraid and worried about your daughter.

You are not healthy, OP. I'm sorry someone did something horrible to you at some point in your life that you have this level of anxiety. Continue to work with a therapist, and also work on your selective hearing, because I seriously doubt your therapist agreed with you unreservedly about the curfew, but rather you did not hear everything they said to you.

It is reasonable to ask her to let you know when she will be out late, and if she will not be coming home. It is not reasonable to expect a 20 year old without special needs to be in by 8 pm because of bogeymen.

Anonymous wrote:OP you clearly want your child to move out quick, fast and in a hurry. With 16 year old right behind. Is this 20 year old in college?

She never went to college but thinks as long as she works education doesn't matter.

Is your 20 yo special needs?

OP you clearly want your child to move out quick, fast and in a hurry. With 16 year old right behind. Is this 20 year old in college?

Anonymous wrote:My curfew was 11 when I was 17! And that's because I was driving. 8 is unreasonable. People have dinner at 8 in some cultures.

In some cultures? You mean ours? That's when we eat every night.

OP here. But she still lives at home so I make the rules.

My curfew was 11 when I was 17! And that's because I was driving. 8 is unreasonable. People have dinner at 8 in some cultures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes I'm in therapy and the therapist sides with me. I believe age is a number of how long you've lived, and your actions, not age, make you an adult.

O.k. I think that there are a lot of details that you are leaving out here. But that's fine, we don't need to know them all.

At 20, your daughter is a legal adult and not under your control - she can stay out after dark if that is her choice. But, if you are providing the car that she's driving and the roof over her head and her cell phone then you have the power to take those things away and restrict access to them as needed.

OP here. She pays for her own cell phone and has no car.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes I'm in therapy and the therapist sides with me. I believe age is a number of how long you've lived, and your actions, not age, make you an adult.

O.k. I think that there are a lot of details that you are leaving out here. But that's fine, we don't need to know them all.

At 20, your daughter is a legal adult and not under your control - she can stay out after dark if that is her choice. But, if you are providing the car that she's driving and the roof over her head and her cell phone then you have the power to take those things away and restrict access to them as needed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes I'm in therapy and the therapist sides with me. I believe age is a number of how long you've lived, and your actions, not age, make you an adult.

In that case, your refusal to go out after dark makes you six years old...

OP here. It does not. It's safety. I don't let my 20 y/o out all night for the same reason as I don't let my 16 y/o out all night. 1. Victimization. 2. Easy to get in trouble. Most crime happens after dark. Yes, she can be victimized during the day, but it's significantly more likely to happen after dark.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes I'm in therapy and the therapist sides with me. I believe age is a number of how long you've lived, and your actions, not age, make you an adult.

In that case, your refusal to go out after dark makes you six years old...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am never out past dark unless I'm returning from work. It's not safe. I don't know why she should be out all night. Also, she looks like she's 14, so if some predator mistakes her for 14 they will just take advantage of her. I try explaining this but she thinks she's invisible.

Predators can get to her during the day too.

Have a good spring break. I rate your post "mildly amusing." Stop while your ahead.

OP here. But it's significantly more likely to happen when it's dark when fewer people are out and no one is looking.

OP here. Yes I'm in therapy and the therapist sides with me. I believe age is a number of how long you've lived, and your actions, not age, make you an adult.