Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 16:05     Subject: Re:What do your teens pay for?
If you had a son, you'd feel differently, OP. Prom is a once in a lifetime event. I plan to pay for my son and his date. I also wouldn't have a problem with paying for my DD's date. Also, maybe your DH is trying to make your life easier when he's out of town. If your step DS is a a good kid that works and saves,etc let it go. Making him save for the iPhone 7 is the right thing.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 11:14     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I give up
Ok, message received. Just like parents a 2 year old doesn't translate to parents a 9 year old, parental instincts that work for a 9 year old don't work for a 17 year old.

However, I am a seriously awesome step-mom. We went shopping for prom suit together (which we paid for ) Just wanted to throw that in there.



Yup. You just keep telling yourself that and maybe some day it will be true. Fortunately your step-son is almost out of your house and out of your control. You sound like a piece of work.
-Signed, Mom of Five


Oh my gosh, OP, I hope you are ignoring bitches like this. You're pondering perfectly reasonable questions that we all struggle with as parents and step-parents alike. The goal here is for kids eventually to be self-suffiicient, right? And so exploring the question of how much they should be doing for themselves financially, given the typically limited funds that kids have and our desire and ability to provide most of what they need/want, is responsible and appropriate. It sounds to me like you are providing very generously, and just trying to introduce the concept of financial independence, which should be everyone's goal. I think that you are an awesome step-mom.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 10:53     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I give up
Ok, message received. Just like parents a 2 year old doesn't translate to parents a 9 year old, parental instincts that work for a 9 year old don't work for a 17 year old.

However, I am a seriously awesome step-mom. We went shopping for prom suit together (which we paid for ) Just wanted to throw that in there.



Yup. You just keep telling yourself that and maybe some day it will be true. Fortunately your step-son is almost out of your house and out of your control. You sound like a piece of work.
-Signed, Mom of Five
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 09:35     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
OP, glad to know that you and SS (stepson) do have a good relationship.

Hope it's ok to hijack your thread a bit.

I am the below poster and wanted to discuss my decision to fund DD's life, including her social life.

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

My 16 yr old DD pays for nothing. Her 'job' is school. She excels at that. She also plays 2 sports.

She has a debit card that I keep loaded for her. Shopping with friends is really the only expense we discuss and agree upon prior to it's occurrence.

She is surrounded by kids with much wealthier families and bigger homes. DH and I decided to give her spending money
to remove some of the 'we are poor' thoughts she might have. We are not poor BTW.


You are seriously doing your DD a disservice. She will be 18 in two years. How will she have any idea how to manage money? Plus, she should know by now that not being as rich as everyone else does not equal poverty. You should not be giving her extra money to keep up with the Joneses.


I disagree. In 2 years, DD will be in college and we will likely fund her there as well.

Managing money is not hard and she is a smart kid. She has a strong sense of what things cost and does not take advantage of our arrangement. She appreciates it.

She does get it now (after almost 2 years of keeping her debit card loaded) that although we chose to not be house-poor, that does not mean we are poor. In fact she often complains about how her friends have to borrow money off of her!

I continue to fund her though as it's a lot easier on me to electronically transfer funds, than to continually give her $20s. If I did not give her money, she would not be able to socialize as freely as she does.

She holds up her end with an over 4.0 average taking all honors or AP classes.

I am not trying to harm her -- really just trying to make her life easier. She has had some significant & chronic medical issues and has dealt with them well, considering. Teens have so many worries. Don't really seem the harm in removing worrying about enough $ for dinner or a movie, or the like.

Am I completely wrong about this? Any ideas how to modify what I am doing without cutting her off. She is getting use of a car this week and I just know that is gonna be expensive!

We have never really done an allowance.

Advice?

Be nice please.

Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 09:13     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
OP here. I give up
Ok, message received. Just like parents a 2 year old doesn't translate to parents a 9 year old, parental instincts that work for a 9 year old don't work for a 17 year old.

However, I am a seriously awesome step-mom. We went shopping for prom suit together (which we paid for ) Just wanted to throw that in there.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 08:14     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I make about twice what my husband does, and we have shared finances. This isn't an issue of being cheap. We both pay private school tuition, save in a college fund, pay for clothing, phone, internet, gas money, weekly allowance etc. Essentailly, in our house, all the income and all expenses, for both kids, are joint. That's our choice.

So it's not even close to a bean counting issue about funds. It's really about modeling budgeting money, and I really would encourage people not to jump to "stepmonster" when we are talking about issues that would be reasonable to think about even if step wasn't an issue. (I only bring it up as an expiation as to why I don't just make my own decision and enforce it)


It's not reasonable to micromanage meals. It's not reasonable to teach him that his date should pay for everything herself. Lighten up.


+1
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 08:13     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:You sound really stingy, OP. Re: prom, the girl is your stepson's date, so he should pick up the tab for her. If your DH is picking up your son's tab, then picking up the girl's tab as well is not a big deal at all. I don't know why you'd ever see it as such or think that it should be any other way. She doesn't have to be your date for chivalry to kinda factor in here. It feels like you don't like the fact that your DH is generous with his son and it feels like you want to nitpick the things your DH does / gives so you are trying to pick apart any little thing.

Do you not like your stepson? Do you have issues with him? What is the REAL problem here. Because it's certainly not a prom ticket and a prom dinner.


+1

It all sounds normal to me.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 08:10     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I make about twice what my husband does, and we have shared finances. This isn't an issue of being cheap. We both pay private school tuition, save in a college fund, pay for clothing, phone, internet, gas money, weekly allowance etc. Essentailly, in our house, all the income and all expenses, for both kids, are joint. That's our choice.

So it's not even close to a bean counting issue about funds. It's really about modeling budgeting money, and I really would encourage people not to jump to "stepmonster" when we are talking about issues that would be reasonable to think about even if step wasn't an issue. (I only bring it up as an expiation as to why I don't just make my own decision and enforce it)


It's not reasonable to micromanage meals. It's not reasonable to teach him that his date should pay for everything herself. Lighten up.
Anonymous
Post 04/09/2017 02:59     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
OP here. I make about twice what my husband does, and we have shared finances. This isn't an issue of being cheap. We both pay private school tuition, save in a college fund, pay for clothing, phone, internet, gas money, weekly allowance etc. Essentailly, in our house, all the income and all expenses, for both kids, are joint. That's our choice.

So it's not even close to a bean counting issue about funds. It's really about modeling budgeting money, and I really would encourage people not to jump to "stepmonster" when we are talking about issues that would be reasonable to think about even if step wasn't an issue. (I only bring it up as an expiation as to why I don't just make my own decision and enforce it)
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2017 23:04     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:I'm just interested in general opinions, as this is mainly theoretical for me at this point. I have a 17 yo stepson and a 9 year old daughter. I manage our finances, including transferring money to DSS, so I'm aware of everything he gets money for. There are a few areas where I'm surprised by the decision my husband made, so I'm curious where other people fall. For context, DSS gets a weekly allowance, has a summer job, and gets essentially unlimited data for his phone. (He's never abused this). He's currently saving for an iphone 7, to give a sense of where his savings level is at.

Anyhow, he's going to prom this year. The tickets are $70. DH agreed to not only pay for his ticket and dinner, but also his date's ticket and meal. I find this kid of weird. The second issue is meals. We, obviously, provide all meals and food for DSS. DH still makes his lunch every day, as he enjoys it and puts together a really great, healthy lunch. However, when DH is out of town, DSS buys lunch and DH reimburses him for it. Our daughter makes her own lunch when DH is away. This week, DH had to go out of town for an extended period of time during a period of time I had to work late as well, and he gave DSS money to essentially have every meal out or take-out for three days.

It's not like I argued these points. But, if it were just asked to me de novo, I think I'd say we could sponsor prom as a gift to DSS, but if he's taking a girl, either she/ her parents pay or he pays for her. She's not my date!
With lunches, I think he should make a lunch at home or use his own money if he wants to buy take-out. For an extended trip, I could definitely see spotting him for a dinner, again, just as a treat. But, again, seems like his allowance is there for regular meals out. Otherwise, he never has to make budgetary choices while he's saving money.

Anyhow, I'm curious what people think.


This is the point- your husband made the decision. Your husband should pay for whatever he decides that HE (not you- you're not a parent) needs to pay for. He should take it out of his own money, or if you have shared finances (mistake), make up the difference in whatever accounts you share. His kids' expenses are not yours, and you do not have to pay them.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2017 22:40     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm just interested in general opinions, as this is mainly theoretical for me at this point. I have a 17 yo stepson and a 9 year old daughter. I manage our finances, including transferring money to DSS, so I'm aware of everything he gets money for. There are a few areas where I'm surprised by the decision my husband made, so I'm curious where other people fall. For context, DSS gets a weekly allowance, has a summer job, and gets essentially unlimited data for his phone. (He's never abused this). He's currently saving for an iphone 7, to give a sense of where his savings level is at.

Anyhow, he's going to prom this year. The tickets are $70. DH agreed to not only pay for his ticket and dinner, but also his date's ticket and meal. I find this kid of weird. The second issue is meals. We, obviously, provide all meals and food for DSS. [b]DH still makes his lunch every day, as he enjoys it and puts together a really great, healthy lunch. However, when DH is out of town, DSS buys lunch and DH reimburses him for it. Our daughter makes her own lunch when DH is away. This week, DH had to go out of town for an extended period of time during a period of time I had to work late as well, and he gave DSS money to essentially have every meal out or take-out for three days.[b]

It's not like I argued these points. But, if it were just asked to me de novo, I think I'd say we could sponsor prom as a gift to DSS, but if he's taking a girl, either she/ her parents pay or he pays for her. She's not my date!
With lunches, I think he should make a lunch at home or use his own money if he wants to buy take-out. For an extended trip, I could definitely see spotting him for a dinner, again, just as a treat. But, again, seems like his allowance is there for regular meals out. Otherwise, he never has to make budgetary choices while he's saving money.

Anyhow, I'm curious what people think.


You are way over the line here - keep your nose out of what your stepson is eating. He is not 9 years old and he is his fathers son - steer very clear of micromanaging his life. I can hear your snippy judgemental smugness through the Internet and that is not going to be good for your family.

And you're worried about paying for his dates dinner? Come on - you're in stepmonster territory.

Take a Valium if you need to.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2017 22:39     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:I'm just interested in general opinions, as this is mainly theoretical for me at this point. I have a 17 yo stepson and a 9 year old daughter. I manage our finances, including transferring money to DSS, so I'm aware of everything he gets money for. There are a few areas where I'm surprised by the decision my husband made, so I'm curious where other people fall. For context, DSS gets a weekly allowance, has a summer job, and gets essentially unlimited data for his phone. (He's never abused this). He's currently saving for an iphone 7, to give a sense of where his savings level is at.

Anyhow, he's going to prom this year. The tickets are $70. DH agreed to not only pay for his ticket and dinner, but also his date's ticket and meal. I find this kid of weird. The second issue is meals. We, obviously, provide all meals and food for DSS. [b]DH still makes his lunch every day, as he enjoys it and puts together a really great, healthy lunch. However, when DH is out of town, DSS buys lunch and DH reimburses him for it. Our daughter makes her own lunch when DH is away. This week, DH had to go out of town for an extended period of time during a period of time I had to work late as well, and he gave DSS money to essentially have every meal out or take-out for three days.

It's not like I argued these points. But, if it were just asked to me de novo, I think I'd say we could sponsor prom as a gift to DSS, but if he's taking a girl, either she/ her parents pay or he pays for her. She's not my date!
With lunches, I think he should make a lunch at home or use his own money if he wants to buy take-out. For an extended trip, I could definitely see spotting him for a dinner, again, just as a treat. But, again, seems like his allowance is there for regular meals out. Otherwise, he never has to make budgetary choices while he's saving money.

Anyhow, I'm curious what people think.


You are way over the line here - keep your nose out of what your stepson is eating. He is not 9 years old and he is his fathers son - steer very clear of micromanaging his life. I can hear your snippy judgemental smugness through the Internet and that is not going to be good for your family.

And you're worried about paying for his dates dinner? Come on - you're in stepmonster territory.

Take a Valium if you need to.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2017 22:34     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thx for the responses.

It's funny. I don't give a second thought paying for the big stuff (college will be paid for, we cover clothes, gas money, phone, etc) It's the little choices around the edges where I just think I'd do it differently, precisely as a learning experience (i.e., you can't get that iPhone 7 if you eat at chipotle instead of packing lunch). It's sort of like my 8 year old and chores. Most of what she does, I can still do faster and better, but I think the routine and responsibility is important.

Dating is really new, btw, so I'm especially curious about thoughts on that!


It is harsh to wonder about paying for prom. Prom is a great thing you remember all of your life, it's not an iPhone 7.
Those prom pictures will be coming out and being discussed 20-30+ years from now - it's kind of a precious time in life.
I'd pay for the tickets and dinner too.

My DD just went today. We're pretty strict too but we paid for her ticket and dress and gave her money for dinner.
Did we give her money for a spray tan or professional makeup? No. Other girls did that but that seemed excessive and frivolous.

If you are questioning your husband's judgement in his spending for his son you are overstepping your bounds a bit I'd say.

Anonymous
Post 04/08/2017 21:16     Subject: What do your teens pay for?
DS is 18, a freshman in college but living at home. He works part-time and pays for things he wants... movies with friends, lunches out, video games, etc. He usually pays for his own gas but I fill up his car once a week.

The expensive things he wants (a new phone, concert tickets, etc) he saves up for or he asks for them as gifts for Christmas or his birthday.

FWIW I paid for his prom tickets and gave him money for his prom dinner.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2017 20:38     Subject: Re:What do your teens pay for?
DD is 14. She doesn't get allowance and doesn't have a job. So the reality is her mother and I pay for everything. But I told her a couple of years ago that she needed to get better about not having money burn a hole in her pocket and saving. So while today I did take her to get her mom's Mother's Day gift, DD whipped out the money to pay for it. Technically the money came from me or her mom. But at least she doesn't burn through it. Right now that's good enough for me.

OP I don't know what to tell you about the prom thing. But at the very least I would have him calculate how much money he's spending on food by eating all his meals out and compare that to how much it would cost for him to cook at home.