Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time to put your husband in charge of meal planning and cooking when his mother comes. All questions and complaints can be directed to him.

Anonymous wrote:Let her make the crappy vegan food she wants to make, including an olive oil nut loaf. Keep the shelf-stable food on hand, along with some annies frozen meals.

Let her cook the crap and order a pizza for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:I have an infant. My out of town MIL is coming to visit us frequently now to see baby--every 2 to 3 months. DH and I eat healthfully and we eat meat, but my MIL is an extreme vegan and she is very picky. She prefers everything to be organic and generally doesn't eat white flour. The only restaurant food she will eat is Lebanese, Ethiopian, Indian, or Thai. Fast food, pizza, Mexica, etc. or any other restaurants are completely out of the question.

Here's a few examples of her pickiness. She won't eat peanut butter, so we have to get organic almond butter. She won't eat bread unless it's 100% whole wheat. Pasta has to be whole grain and rice has to be brown. She won't eat nuts unless they are raw and unsalted. She won't eat any sweets or chocolate unless they are vegan and organic. She also doesn't drink wine or coffee. She had cancer years ago and believes meat caused her to have cancer, and is constantly talking about how we "don't eat the way she does" which basically makes me feel completely judged. She stares at me when I eat M&Ms, Diet Coke, turkey bacon, eggs, chips, or any other foods she thinks are "bad"--even though I'm thin. Baby has begun eating solids and I give her organic baby food in a jar because I work full time and don't care to make my own baby food, then she takes the opportunity to share how she used to make organic baby food for DH from scratch and how easy it was. She also loves to remind us how many years she breastfed her kids and how she stayed home when they were little, when I work fulltime and have told DH I am ready to slow down BFing and supplement with formula, which he doesn't want us to do. It all feels very passive aggressive.

When she comes to stay DH and I end up cooking completely differently from what we normally eat to accommodate her diet, which makes her smug as though she has "won." I hate it but it's twice as much work to cook our own normal dishes on top of a dish for her. We've asked her to cook for us but she gets flustered and upset. One day she went to the store to get ingredients for a tofu stir fry and refused to buy teriyaki sauce because they didn't have her favorite organic brand, and refused to use our non-organic teriyaki sauce or soy sauce as a replacement. Another time she tried to make pumpkin bread but refused to use my canola oil and ended up putting olive oil in the loaf instead and it was awful. So we stopped asking he to cook. Her visits are now causing lots of conflict about food between DH and I. Furthermore, I used to have an eating disorder so her perceived judgement about what I'm eating while I nurse, whether intentional or not, really angers me.

What obligation do we have to provide her with her special food when she visits? How much of this do I have to take?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're under no obligation to do anything, but it's generally nice to accommodate your guests. I think you had another post about this in "Expectant Moms" forum.

TBH, this is an issue between you and DH to resolve. Then he can deal with his mother. You're not going to do yourself any favors by dealing directly with your MIL on this if you can avoid it. But if your DH won't step up, then I think you need to simply put your foot down and refuse visits from MIL until you can find a manageable way for her to visit. It's actually easier to say, "no visits" than it is to resolve details of how the visit will go. My ILs are much nicer than yours, but after a particularly difficult one last year I told DH "no visits" unless he took some time off while they were in town to entertain them (they won't drive while here). They are here right now, and DH did take time off during their visit. The visit has been very pleasant as a result.

Listen to this PP. If you and DH can come to an agreement, I think it will be a lot easier. The way you described his behavior in the expectant moms thread make me think that he/you guys need some counseling. I can see his issues with pleasing her manifesting themselves in other ways.

Were I you, I would talk with him about spacing out all the visits so you have more time to regroup as a family. For visits with his mother specifically, I would say that you're no longer shopping for her, period. He and she can go grocery shopping when she arrives, and if that can't happen the first day, you can get take out she likes.

But I would say that your MIL's dietary choices and basically anything else to do with her is all on your DH. Disappear for awhile to do something for yourself when she visits. Create some space between you.

And when she dives in on her passive aggressive BS comments, just smile and say, "Isn't it great how everyone can do what works for them?" and "It's funny how there are so many ways to raise a healthy child."

Anonymous wrote:You need a SERIOUS sit down with your DH in which you tell him he has two choices:. His mother or you. I have family members who are vegetarians and when they visit, I take them to grocery store and tell them to choose their food. I pay for it but I also tell them I will always serve a vegetable(s) and/or salad but anything special they want, they cook.

I also told one of them that as an adult I am allowed to choose to drink a Coke, eat M&M'S, steak, baked potatoes with sour cream. It worked.