Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works mainly with women (he's a writer) and goes out to lunch with his colleagues one on one and in groups in which he's the only man all the time. I work mainly with men (I'm an attorney) and go out to lunch with male colleagues all the time.

If I decided that I couldn't eat alone with men I would have torpedoed my career as a law student. Such an attitude is unbelievably privileged to me. To have the ability to declare that you will never eat alone with a member of the opposite sex? Wow. I wish I had the luxury of telling my bosses that. I believe the entire Price Waterhouse sex discrimination case (back in the 80's) was about the fact that career contacts are not just made in the office, they are made in social contexts as well.

This is pretty much our situation, albeit with different jobs. I work for a large defense firm. I'm alone with male collegues all the time--and often on business trips. I would be VERY angry if one of them told me he couldn't eat dinner with me because his wife wouldn't allow it. In fact, I think that might be an HR discussion.

Anyway, I generally only socialize in the work sense without my husband and vice versa, but it's definitely a gray area since it sometimes includes dinners, happy hours, charity functions, etc.

Huh? I agree that it's kind of extreme for someone to not participate in work-related events for that reason. But I don't see how HR could compel someone to have dinner with you. There's no obligation for an employee to have a one-on-one meal with another employee.

Yeah, that seems... nutty. You can't get HR to mandate that people spend their personal, off-the-clock time with you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman who works in a male-dominated field. I have had many solo dinners and lunches with male co-workers and cheating did not cross my mind.

+1 . And DH and I each have the occasional meal with a friend of the opposite sex, NBD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works mainly with women (he's a writer) and goes out to lunch with his colleagues one on one and in groups in which he's the only man all the time. I work mainly with men (I'm an attorney) and go out to lunch with male colleagues all the time.

If I decided that I couldn't eat alone with men I would have torpedoed my career as a law student. Such an attitude is unbelievably privileged to me. To have the ability to declare that you will never eat alone with a member of the opposite sex? Wow. I wish I had the luxury of telling my bosses that. I believe the entire Price Waterhouse sex discrimination case (back in the 80's) was about the fact that career contacts are not just made in the office, they are made in social contexts as well.

This is pretty much our situation, albeit with different jobs. I work for a large defense firm. I'm alone with male collegues all the time--and often on business trips. I would be VERY angry if one of them told me he couldn't eat dinner with me because his wife wouldn't allow it. In fact, I think that might be an HR discussion.

Anyway, I generally only socialize in the work sense without my husband and vice versa, but it's definitely a gray area since it sometimes includes dinners, happy hours, charity functions, etc.

Huh? I agree that it's kind of extreme for someone to not participate in work-related events for that reason. But I don't see how HR could compel someone to have dinner with you. There's no obligation for an employee to have a one-on-one meal with another employee.

Him and I used to go out for drinks a lot. And he fell in love with me. And we made out a few times.I fell in love with him eventually. Unrelated, I am getting a divorce and decided I wanted a full om affair. He was trying to be faithful. I haven't talked to him in a month, because I am im a different place.

I'm a woman who works in a male-dominated field. I have had many solo dinners and lunches with male co-workers and cheating did not cross my mind.

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle these situations in your marriage? Would it make you uncomfortable? If you're not irrationally jealous, does your husband respect your feelings?

I'm fortunate that we both feel the same. I typically work with a lot of guys so it isn't that unusual for me to go to lunch with them. That said, it is usually a group invitiation. I see those interactions as being different than the person that is dating someone at the office but trying to keep it in the downlow and you see them always eating lunch together and you just get this vibe that you are intruding/not a group invitation. I don't really have an outside of work/meeting them alone or constant outside of work personal texts. Both DH and I like to keep work life separate so we aren't best friends with co-workers in general. So for that to change in and of itself would be a red flag.

If it is a longtime friend, it wouldn't make me uncomfortable unless it was at the expense of spending time with the family. I feel like if you have known each other 15-20 years including when one or the other or both were single and nothing has happened, most likely they aren't each other type.

A business lunch is very different than "going out drinking". We've been married 30 years. We do not do that in our marriage. It's not about trust. It's about respect for our marriage and for each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People like this are batshit insane. If you can't trust your spouse, then why exactly are you married to that person???

Your spouse went out drinking and is now alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

But you're OK with that, because you trust them, right?

Depends on what they are doing in their hotel room. I've done this before, but we've been polishing up the briefings for the next day. I've been married for 17 yrs, and have never cheated on my husband. I don't know if he's done the same, but he's more of an introvert, so I suspect not. I never actually asked specifically.

Anonymous wrote:My husband works mainly with women (he's a writer) and goes out to lunch with his colleagues one on one and in groups in which he's the only man all the time. I work mainly with men (I'm an attorney) and go out to lunch with male colleagues all the time.

If I decided that I couldn't eat alone with men I would have torpedoed my career as a law student. Such an attitude is unbelievably privileged to me. To have the ability to declare that you will never eat alone with a member of the opposite sex? Wow. I wish I had the luxury of telling my bosses that. I believe the entire Price Waterhouse sex discrimination case (back in the 80's) was about the fact that career contacts are not just made in the office, they are made in social contexts as well.

This is pretty much our situation, albeit with different jobs. I work for a large defense firm. I'm alone with male collegues all the time--and often on business trips. I would be VERY angry if one of them told me he couldn't eat dinner with me because his wife wouldn't allow it. In fact, I think that might be an HR discussion.

Anyway, I generally only socialize in the work sense without my husband and vice versa, but it's definitely a gray area since it sometimes includes dinners, happy hours, charity functions, etc.

Anonymous wrote:People like this are batshit insane. If you can't trust your spouse, then why exactly are you married to that person???

Your spouse went out drinking and is now alone in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex.

But you're OK with that, because you trust them, right?

No, that would not be acceptable. Not to me and my DH certainly would not like it if I went out drinking with guys. I assume you are not talking about work dinner?

Anonymous wrote:People like this are batshit insane. If you can't trust your spouse, then why exactly are you married to that person???

You may be interested to know that a highly respected mental health professional, who has extensively researched infidelity and is considered an expert in the field, firmly disagrees with your conclusion. You have a very common, but simplistic (and wrong) view of how infidelity works.

https://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

Anonymous wrote:If professional, that's cool too. But wouldn't an office meeting work? A working lunch? Fine. But how often does that need to happen, and wouldn't you then perder in? If it's more of a shmoozing working lunch, I feel more people are probably involved.

I have a couple of close coworkers who I eat out with alone often. But we never uninvite other people. Dh could always meet us. We ask people on the way out, "wanna come along?"

Nothing against it, I'm just thinking it really doesn't need to happen often.

But don't you have male friends at work that you like to talk to? I have guy friends with whom I go to lunch regularly and we don't feel the need to invite others. Sometimes you just want lunch with a friend, not a group of people.

This makes me think there may also be a difference in how introverts and extroverts approach this. As an introvert, I'm much happier meeting up with one or two friends for lunch rather than a group of people.

TNC never made a blanket statement about dining alone with women, he just spoke of being mindful of his interactions.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not fussed about my husband going to dinner with women because I trust him. And because I have a number of men I go to dinner with - old mentors, past ex's, etc. Would hate for DH to tell me I can't do that. In fact, that would be a marriage breaker for me.

Hahaha good one I am sure it feels great to think about you or your husband having a night out with a mate who tossed each other's salad or did doggy style.