Your hubby is acting like a real jerk OP; put him on notice and do not tolerate. Next time his family is there, don't offer them anything to drink and act like a princess....be sugar sweet nice (dumb fox), but let HIM cater to them. He will get the memo! I have a SIL that acts like that towards my ILs; my ILs are super sweet and nice folks. We just ignore this SIL and send her and BIL Christmas and Birthday cards , but avoid their company.

My SIL is rude to our family. More my parents than myself or my sister. Anytime we have an event at her house she runs out of food unless her family is there too. Water and sweet tea is all she ever has to drink when she hosts even Thabksgivibg ---but she guzzles wine, martinis whatever at our houses and her kids do too so it isn't that they don't drink other things. My mother buys her all sorts of things and she says things like, oh Uggs they are nice but I really don't like brown. Whatever, just out of her way to be mean. I can tell it bothers my brother because he will sometimes step in but usually he lets her go. I mean I do not not hate her she seems to be a good wife and mother so I just laugh with my husband about it. It has now been 20 years with it and it could always be worse!

I get it. I think MIL is wacky and DH can't see any wrong. His mom is perfect in his eyes. I learned not to say anything.

He's not civil to them he's rude. He offers his family drinks but not hers. That's beyond crazy OP!! First of all you never say bad things about someone's family...even if you don't like them. If you don't like someone child from a former spouse you never say anything. You act nice and polite to everyone. If he wanted to avoid "some" get together's that's perfectly ok. OP his behavior is a big problem, it seems abusive and controlling.

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask you a gentle question, OP?

Why does it make you "so angry" just to hear you mother called "whacky" or "weird"? I mean, I wouldn't want my family insulted either, but these don't seem like vicious insults to me. They seem like light-hearted remarks from one's husband.

It seems to me that you might -- might -- have set up a system in which your family can do no wrong. That might have created an incentive for your husband to kind of buck the system.

Read OP's original post. It's not just these comments, he is cold and distant to her family. He is being rude to her family, not his.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask you a gentle question, OP?

Why does it make you "so angry" just to hear you mother called "whacky" or "weird"? I mean, I wouldn't want my family insulted either, but these don't seem like vicious insults to me. They seem like light-hearted remarks from one's husband.

It seems to me that you might -- might -- have set up a system in which your family can do no wrong. That might have created an incentive for your husband to kind of buck the system.

+1

And I'm not inclined to take your DH's side if he's being rude or disrespectful to them. But you haven't given any specifics other than "wacky" and "weird". (I love my MIL to death, but she is WEIRD). why doesn't he like them? Is there some history of conflict (perhaps considered distant past by you but not by DH)?

I was wondering the same thing, and OP doesn't seem to be open to the possibility that DH experiences her family differently than she does. But OP says DH will offer drinks to his family but not hers (at joint gatherings) - that is rude and disrespectful.

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask you a gentle question, OP?

Why does it make you "so angry" just to hear you mother called "whacky" or "weird"? I mean, I wouldn't want my family insulted either, but these don't seem like vicious insults to me. They seem like light-hearted remarks from one's husband.

It seems to me that you might -- might -- have set up a system in which your family can do no wrong. That might have created an incentive for your husband to kind of buck the system.

+1

And I'm not inclined to take your DH's side if he's being rude or disrespectful to them. But you haven't given any specifics other than "wacky" and "weird". (I love my MIL to death, but she is WEIRD). why doesn't he like them? Is there some history of conflict (perhaps considered distant past by you but not by DH)?

Can I ask you a gentle question, OP?

Why does it make you "so angry" just to hear you mother called "whacky" or "weird"? I mean, I wouldn't want my family insulted either, but these don't seem like vicious insults to me. They seem like light-hearted remarks from one's husband.

It seems to me that you might -- might -- have set up a system in which your family can do no wrong. That might have created an incentive for your husband to kind of buck the system.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There are an awful lot of women who think their MILs are wacky and weird, even though their husbands are close to their moms..the women want more distance or just maintain civility.

Sounds similar to many threads but just opposite genders.

+1

OP, some people just don't mix well. If that's the only problem for you two, I'd let it go. Being civil is enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Shitty husbands seems to be a pattern here. How can so many of you marry such defective men ?

We feel sorry for them and try to fix them so the world will be a better place.

I applaud your mission in life!

Anonymous wrote:because your children will treat you and your family accordingly.

This is what scares me.

OP, pp with the BIL again. You just need to stand up like you did and demand he respect you and your family in front of them and in front of other people, especially his family. I had to do this with my DH (who is a pretty nice guy) when we first were married. After we were alone, I would confront him every single time. He cut it out because I respected him and his family (like you do) in their presence and in front of others. My BIL sounds more like your DH and that can be exhausting but you must do it because your children will treat you and your family accordingly.

I don't know. There are an awful lot of women who think their MILs are wacky and weird, even though their husbands are close to their moms..the women want more distance or just maintain civility.

Sounds similar to many threads but just opposite genders.

Some kind of controlling issue on his part. How long have you been together? He wants to you himself, has he exhibited other controlling behaviors?

So he's copying his mom.... He probably doesn't realize how that behavior made her life smaller.

I'd talk to him about what you observe and that unless there's a real reason for his behavior, he has to improve. Fake it, even.

My husband didn't realize how disfunctional his mom was in her relationships with the family until I married in and said "no, I'm not going to tolerate that". My SIL did the same when she married in (we married brothers). Took years for the boys to stand up to their mom.