Anonymous wrote:I think he could have shed some guidance on how to get a job or a volunteer position. Clearly your kid is not a self starter, but you might have left too much up to him to figure out in an area where he is obviously weak.

I somehow get the feeling you just don't like your kid much, and that is why the punishment. You wish he was a travel sport type and he's not.

Agreed. Your attitude, word choice, and defensiveness just scream your dislike for your kid.

Poor kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that kind of punishment. Why not outline clear, positive things he can do to earn the trip? And not letting him go is a bummer to the other family, who extended a generous invitation and is probably looking forward to having a friend for their kid on the trip.

I find that it works better to come from a place of yes, and figure out a way to get there.

It's a very nice gesture...but I wouldn't call it generous. Still costs a lot to fly and for lift tickets.

There are no lift tickets involved in OP's situation.

Ok, I get what you are trying to do, but you could have used this to fix the laziness by paying him to do chores. It is spring, there are lawns to be mowed, beds to be mulched, and lots of other physically hard chores.

I also do not think the punishment works unless you have said that he needs to do more x, y, and z or he will lose social priveledges.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define slacking?

is he failing out of school?

Of course not, he just sits on his ass too much. His friends, inc. the one who invited him, do not sit on their ass. Play a sport, volunteer, get a job, do something, anything. He's lazy and I'm not giving him a $1000 vacation for being lazy.

Is he really lazy? Or is he introverted?

Does he do his chores and otherwise contribute to the family household?

Does he have hobbies, even sedentary ones like reading?

Labeling a kid as lazy because he doesn't play a sport or volunteer seems off to me. Help him find himself. Help him find things that stimulate him and that he cares about. Insulting him isn't motivating him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try and give him an opportunity to earn it? My teen got inherited invited on a ski trip once and the lift tickets were going to cost about 600 dollars. We had 17 days notice. He worked off the majority of the money in 2 weeks. I paid him 10 bucks an hour. I had him paint my moms basement, take off my kitchen hardware and replace it with more modern stuff, he painted our garage door, and then did 2- 4 hour visits at the food bank. I left him work off the rest of it when he got home. He can be lazy but he wanted to go and it was a good lesson to me not to underestimate him.

Of course we gave him the opportunity to earn it. He's been excited for spring break for months and I told him I'd send him with friends if he played a sport, volunteer, job, something after school. All of his friends are super involved, he just comes home and sits on his butt until they're done. He didn't want to get off his ass, so he's not getting $1000 from us.

You know, some kids just aren't inclined to be that athlete volunteer, etc. As a parent, you should make opportunities for him and set expectations for his behavior (i.e. going into the activity with a good attitude). Now you are punishing him for what is likely inherent to his personality. I think that stinks. My son sounds a lot like yours - but instead of making him feel like we dislike him for who he is, we have him choose an activity he must do (for his health, his mind, or what have you.).

Two different issues. You can say no. No reason you have to say yes. I say no if it's a spurge that I myself couldn't afford to go on. I'm all for providing opportunities but not thoses that our so far outside the lifestyle of the rest of the family. Op, are you saying no only because of punishment? That does seem odd.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try and give him an opportunity to earn it? My teen got inherited invited on a ski trip once and the lift tickets were going to cost about 600 dollars. We had 17 days notice. He worked off the majority of the money in 2 weeks. I paid him 10 bucks an hour. I had him paint my moms basement, take off my kitchen hardware and replace it with more modern stuff, he painted our garage door, and then did 2- 4 hour visits at the food bank. I left him work off the rest of it when he got home. He can be lazy but he wanted to go and it was a good lesson to me not to underestimate him.

Of course we gave him the opportunity to earn it. He's been excited for spring break for months and I told him I'd send him with friends if he played a sport, volunteer, job, something after school. All of his friends are super involved, he just comes home and sits on his butt until they're done. He didn't want to get off his ass, so he's not getting $1000 from us.

That makes sense- my kid is younger, but I think the same principle applies. You set the expectations and the outcome. He didn't meet the expectations, and now he is dealing with the outcome. I agree with your decision. It may not be about "what he learns from this experience" right now. It's a life lesson - if you're not appreciative, hardworking, and responsible then you often don't get what you want. It can take many years for that to sink in.

I would disagree with your decision if you had not set up expectations in advance. There is a difference between a logical outcome vs. pulling the rug out.

Why do you insist that he does things he doesn't want to do? I don't want to play a sport or volunteer. Personally I don't really like being around people. I'm very much an introvert. I do my job but I sure enjoy a nice vacation. Sounds like your son is similar, except instead of working he has school. As long as he is passing his classes I would let him go if I could afford it. Why make your son do things he doesn't enjoy ?

In the retelling of this story 20 years down the road, I don't think you come out the shining star you think you do, op. It doesn't sound like you were very specific about what he could do to get to go on the trip, and regardless, you were clearly not motivating. You come across ready to label your kid as lazy, and don't seem interested in guiding him to find his own interests.

Eh, you sound like pretty terrible parents. Not every kid does the same thing, acts the same way, or is interested in the same things. For a year or two, I was the lazy teen. Puberty hit me hard, I was depressed, just unhappy with everything, and didn't want to do anything. I'm glad my parents didn't act like you, taking away the few things I did enjoy like vacations and time with friends. All you are doing is making your kid resent you even more. Your kid could be in a slump and this vacation could be what he needs to get him out of it. But by all means, continue being hard on him. See where that gets you and him. It won't be anywhere good.

I think you are being very fair. He's not 5 years old. He can find a sport or activity he's interested in and bring it up to you. He chooses not to and chooses to waste time instead. His loss.

I think he could have shed some guidance on how to get a job or a volunteer position. Clearly your kid is not a self starter, but you might have left too much up to him to figure out in an area where he is obviously weak.

I somehow get the feeling you just don't like your kid much, and that is why the punishment. You wish he was a travel sport type and he's not.

Anonymous wrote:Did you try and give him an opportunity to earn it? My teen got inherited invited on a ski trip once and the lift tickets were going to cost about 600 dollars. We had 17 days notice. He worked off the majority of the money in 2 weeks. I paid him 10 bucks an hour. I had him paint my moms basement, take off my kitchen hardware and replace it with more modern stuff, he painted our garage door, and then did 2- 4 hour visits at the food bank. I left him work off the rest of it when he got home. He can be lazy but he wanted to go and it was a good lesson to me not to underestimate him.

Of course we gave him the opportunity to earn it. He's been excited for spring break for months and I told him I'd send him with friends if he played a sport, volunteer, job, something after school. All of his friends are super involved, he just comes home and sits on his butt until they're done. He didn't want to get off his ass, so he's not getting $1000 from us.

Anonymous wrote:I hate that kind of punishment. Why not outline clear, positive things he can do to earn the trip? And not letting him go is a bummer to the other family, who extended a generous invitation and is probably looking forward to having a friend for their kid on the trip.

I find that it works better to come from a place of yes, and figure out a way to get there.

It's a very nice gesture...but I wouldn't call it generous. Still costs a lot to fly and for lift tickets.