Very sad story.

He is on the verge of a huge rebellion, OP, and you and your DH should be there for him when it happens or it might go very poorly for him.

They're way over the top--but at this point I feel that this problem is way too deep and entwined for anyone to try to fix, so if I were in your shoes I'd probably just keep all of them at an arm's length.

I agree that if parents are paying for everything they totally have a right to veto--my parents were the same way--but you can retain veto power and still be reasonable. Crashing the party is not reasonable--as a college student, I'd rather have not gone at all!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, I'd start talking to this family a lot less. I think they're your family members but I'd butt out of anything to do with their kids since they're all dramatic.

I think I will need to. Mom is sort of a grudgy person and since I didn't immediately take her side she is pretty miffed. As for dramatic she is the poster child for always being involved in drama but saying "I can't stand to be involved in drama!!"

Is the mom your sister? Anyways, MYOB. It's her kid and her problem. Obviously you are not going to talk sense into her, so why feed into the drama by getting involved?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

Why would he need them in order to get a job now? He's 18 or 19. They shouldn't be involved at all.

They sound completely unhinged, and the solution to go to same location as the frat for spring break is one of the craziest things I've heard. Sounds like he got even though.

However, they have a couple valid points - I also wouldn't want my freshman son to have a car on campus. I was really happy that his school has a stated rule against this although I would have no problem saying no if it wasn't a stated rule. This is the first time a young adult is living away from home for an extended time - a lot of opportunity for bad decisions, and a car only adds to the complexity. Plus it does force a kid to stay engaged/emersed in campus life. Happy to have them have a car by sophomore year if everything goes well.

Second - you should absolutely ask parents permission to spend spring break with friends instead of them and apologize for any last minute change of plans. Doesn't sound like they already had a family trip planned, but if they did, the answer would be no for this year.

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like bad parents. They sound involved.
Except the frat party was crazy.
You sound jealous OP, that they are better parents than you.
If they were really helicopter parents, the wouldn't allow a school twelve hours away.

This isn't involvement. This is hyper-controlling, keep-your-kid-in-diapers crap. These parents are nuts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

That seems to be the case for at least half of the people on this board period they hold money over their kids heads claiming that they are not self-sufficient adults while parents pay their kid's bills, so as parents they get to continue to have veto power over everything.

At the same time, they never realize how they themselves handicapped their kids maturity and Independence. And they continue to do so by never letting them make their own decisions. It's really sick

Good luck talking to the mom, OP. People like this or beyond help. Any parent who would come along on spring break with their child or like the previous poster, would veto spring break and threaten their kid's financial and educational future over a week away. Well forget about it

Case in point being my 23 year old nephew who is phenomenally well-employed as a computer scientist on Wall Street yet hasn't yet explored any of Manhatten in the last 18 months because mom hasn't been able to take the time to go to NYC to help him get around. He has no need for this. At all. She also still orders for him and his 19 year old sister at restaurants.

It's embarrassing to be around.

Ugh, this sounds like the future of these two boys. They order for them at restaurants too. Why would parents want their children to fail at life like this?

Yep. I thought my nephew would leap out of his skin when I told him I'd come to Manhatten (where I've lived) and pal around this spring. My sister can go f**k herself if she tries to say no. Our parents are simply appalled that their daughter has become so desperately controlling. Mom and dad were not at all helicopter like.

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like bad parents. They sound involved.
Except the frat party was crazy.
You sound jealous OP, that they are better parents than you.
If they were really helicopter parents, the wouldn't allow a school twelve hours away.

Then you're nuts too.

Who are these people to you, op? Did I miss that?

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like bad parents. They sound involved.
Except the frat party was crazy.
You sound jealous OP, that they are better parents than you.
If they were really helicopter parents, the wouldn't allow a school twelve hours away.

You sound crazy.

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like bad parents. They sound involved.
Except the frat party was crazy.
You sound jealous OP, that they are better parents than you.
If they were really helicopter parents, the wouldn't allow a school twelve hours away.

The school 12 hours away was a free ride, that is why they chose it for their son.

Not jealous at all and not sure how you can judge my parenting since I've given you no indication of how I parent. I am an involved parent but not to the point of smothering my children.

Anonymous wrote:They don't sound like bad parents. They sound involved.
Except the frat party was crazy.
You sound jealous OP, that they are better parents than you.
If they were really helicopter parents, the wouldn't allow a school twelve hours away.

Please go away with your "You sound jealous ...."

They don't sound like bad parents. They sound involved.
Except the frat party was crazy.
You sound jealous OP, that they are better parents than you.
If they were really helicopter parents, the wouldn't allow a school twelve hours away.

These are stunning stories. My jaw is on the floor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree that they have a right to say no but this situation goes a bit deeper than just asking for permission.

They set him up to be dependent on them. They never allowed him to take a job in high school even though he really wanted one. He has never had a chance to gain any independence or maturity.

That seems to be the case for at least half of the people on this board period they hold money over their kids heads claiming that they are not self-sufficient adults while parents pay their kid's bills, so as parents they get to continue to have veto power over everything.

At the same time, they never realize how they themselves handicapped their kids maturity and Independence. And they continue to do so by never letting them make their own decisions. It's really sick

Good luck talking to the mom, OP. People like this or beyond help. Any parent who would come along on spring break with their child or like the previous poster, would veto spring break and threaten their kid's financial and educational future over a week away. Well forget about it

Case in point being my 23 year old nephew who is phenomenally well-employed as a computer scientist on Wall Street yet hasn't yet explored any of Manhatten in the last 18 months because mom hasn't been able to take the time to go to NYC to help him get around. He has no need for this. At all. She also still orders for him and his 19 year old sister at restaurants.

It's embarrassing to be around.

Ugh, this sounds like the future of these two boys. They order for them at restaurants too. Why would parents want their children to fail at life like this?

Anonymous wrote: OP, I'd start talking to this family a lot less. I think they're your family members but I'd butt out of anything to do with their kids since they're all dramatic.

I think I will need to. Mom is sort of a grudgy person and since I didn't immediately take her side she is pretty miffed. As for dramatic she is the poster child for always being involved in drama but saying "I can't stand to be involved in drama!!"