Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. DH is basically a good guy, but he tends to let things go. He has been working a lot, and he has dealt with depression in the past. DS is now playing a sport, and DH has been willing, with some prodding, to get involved in it. I don't really think much is going to change with the house. We're in a townhouse, and part of the reason I didn't want a single family is I knew he wasn't that handy. I have made my feelings known about the beard, but that has been to no avail.

In the scheme of things these aren't huge issues, but they do make me feel down about our marriage.

It definitely sounds like depression. Treat that and then worry about the other issues if they don't go away when the depression lifts. If you don't fix the depression, the other problems will be harder or impossible to solve.

My husband used to be in finance, expensive suits, great shoes, always clean shaven, sharply dressed, etc. He hated every minute.

Now he's an entrepreneur in shorts and flip flops. He couldn't be happier about the change.

Sure, I miss seeing him in his Italian suits, but I ask him to dress up for a date a few times a month and otherwise I enjoy having a HAPPY husband. And he doesn't get to complain about my changing into pyjamas and comfy socks when I get home from a long day at work.

Now the part about not missing him at all is concerning to me. I would try to reintroduce some FUN into your life. I know, I know, you have serious problems, but it's much easier to communicate when you remind yourselves why you are together in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how typical it is. I miss my guys after five days away. Been married for 15 years with typical ups and downs. It's mostly you, OP, like it or not. Talk to him about the beard though, it sounds nasty.

Same. Been married almost 10 years, together for more like 13, and I definitely miss DW when I'm away. I don't think we've ever been apart for that long, actually.

OP here. Thanks for the replies. DH is basically a good guy, but he tends to let things go. He has been working a lot, and he has dealt with depression in the past. DS is now playing a sport, and DH has been willing, with some prodding, to get involved in it. I don't really think much is going to change with the house. We're in a townhouse, and part of the reason I didn't want a single family is I knew he wasn't that handy. I have made my feelings known about the beard, but that has been to no avail.

In the scheme of things these aren't huge issues, but they do make me feel down about our marriage.

I don't know how typical it is. I miss my guys after five days away. Been married for 15 years with typical ups and downs. It's mostly you, OP, like it or not. Talk to him about the beard though, it sounds nasty.

Typical.

Depression.
DH was like that after an extended period of unemployment. His limited engagement with your kid is my concern.

I remember a huge fight when I told DH how he has never purchased anything for our kids. I made him go to the store to pick out a toy. This is a man who goes through money like water. I knew something was wrong.

Anonymous wrote:As a man I don't get how some guys let themselves go. I make an effort to look good. If I expect my wife to be fit and attractive shouldn't I be doing the same?
Let me guess he likes to play video games or some fantasy crap in his free time

Honestly, I don't "expect my wife to be fit." I hope she'll exercise enough to be healthy, but that's because I love her, not because otherwise I'd want to ditch her.

What's the guy at work like? Cuter than DH, I'll bet.

I can't tell if you've mentioned your feelings on the unkempt beard to your husband, or your other concerns. Have you had any discussions with him re: what you would like in a partnership? A good, non-threatening talk over wine might help. Just a check in to see what can be improved. If that doesn't work, you could escalate to counseling.

For the woman who said she has let herself go, it's unclear what you mean. If it means you have put on a few pounds or don't wear heels anymore, that is one thing. But if you don't brush your hair anymore (similar to the unkempt beard) and don't brush your teeth, that's way worse. I am very turned off when my husband doesn't do the basics (shower, shave, brush and floss). I find it pretty gross when he comes in to kiss me with food between his front teeth because he doesn't like flossing. I have told my husband this, and he still doesn't do anything about it. It is pretty odd that he doesn't get the correlation that I won't have sex when he's gross, especially odd because I flat out tell him and then he still gets all mopey if we don't have sex even if he doesn't just go brush his teeth.