Anonymous
03/18/2017 16:34
Subject: Re:Adult kids in late 20s are rude.
Anonymous wrote:I was a bit of a disaster in my early 20's (dropouts, transfers, depression, anxiety, laziness, social isolation due to said transfers) . My mom gave me unconditional, loving support - not financial, mind you, but she LISTENED. Didn't try to crisis manage or give advice. When I (finally!) finished undergrad with a shitty GPA, she was proud of me for getting through it. Her support, as well as her offhand remark that there was no reason I COULDN'T apply to grad school, gave me the boost I needed. My self-esteem was destroyed after being a successful high school student whose friends and peers passed me by. Bit by bit, I got some self-esteem and self-respect back, and worked my ass off to finish a not-impressive Master's Program. Nearly 10 years later, I have a healthy life and a good career.
Be a source of support, not strife. Your kids KNOW they are letting you down. They are likely watching their former hs friends kick ass at their careers, get married, have kids, buy houses. You can't help them succeed by getting involved in their work and academics. I cringe at some of the rude, selfish things I once did to my parents. I threw a tantrum when they stopped paying my rent at 23, but it was the best thing for me. I still got financial help when, for example, I needed money to move to DC to take my first postgraduate job. Disengage, but be kind and welcoming, No snide or side remarks about work or money. Take them out for dinner, one-on-one, and don't mention school, money, or work. Try relating to them as adults. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I imagine it was my parents' biggest parenting challenge.
This. Your kids should not be treating you this way but they are young. Give them emotional support , but also call them on their attitudes. Sometimes kids forget all their parents have done for them.
Anonymous
03/18/2017 15:52
Subject: Adult kids in late 20s are rude.
What does "spoke harshly to them" mean?
I could be completely wrong because I don't know you and this the internet, but your posts make me think you fit this description (I've known people like this):
Martyr mom in a household where there was significant yelling, but martyr mom doesn't really think of it as "yelling" per se and kind of glosses over it in retrospect. Meanwhile, the entire narrative she held as her kids were growing up was that she was sacrificing everything for them. Martyr mom repeats that narrative along with the yelling to simultaneously make her kids feel somewhat dependent on her and also resent her.
Martyr mom carries this into her children's adulthood by offering to do things, but using those things as a way of continuing the "I sacrifice for my kids; my kids owe me" narrative.
So now grown kids failed to launch, feel dependent on their mother, but also resent her.
It's a horrible dynamic and leads to a cycle of crummy behavior on both the mother's part and the adult children's part. It's sort of a dysfunctional codependency.
I could be completely wrong because I don't know you and this the internet, but your posts make me think you fit this description (I've known people like this):
Martyr mom in a household where there was significant yelling, but martyr mom doesn't really think of it as "yelling" per se and kind of glosses over it in retrospect. Meanwhile, the entire narrative she held as her kids were growing up was that she was sacrificing everything for them. Martyr mom repeats that narrative along with the yelling to simultaneously make her kids feel somewhat dependent on her and also resent her.
Martyr mom carries this into her children's adulthood by offering to do things, but using those things as a way of continuing the "I sacrifice for my kids; my kids owe me" narrative.
So now grown kids failed to launch, feel dependent on their mother, but also resent her.
It's a horrible dynamic and leads to a cycle of crummy behavior on both the mother's part and the adult children's part. It's sort of a dysfunctional codependency.
Anonymous
03/18/2017 08:45
Subject: Adult kids in late 20s are rude.
Anonymous wrote:They're not "kids" in their 20's. They're just adults.
And there's a term for them: assholes
+ 1
Calling them kids and treating them as such (meaning sweeping bad behavior under the rug and giving them endless second chances) is probably why you're in this spot OP.
Anonymous
03/18/2017 08:40
Subject: Re:Adult kids in late 20s are rude.
Anonymous wrote:I was a bit of a disaster in my early 20's (dropouts, transfers, depression, anxiety, laziness, social isolation due to said transfers) . My mom gave me unconditional, loving support - not financial, mind you, but she LISTENED. Didn't try to crisis manage or give advice. When I (finally!) finished undergrad with a shitty GPA, she was proud of me for getting through it. Her support, as well as her offhand remark that there was no reason I COULDN'T apply to grad school, gave me the boost I needed. My self-esteem was destroyed after being a successful high school student whose friends and peers passed me by. Bit by bit, I got some self-esteem and self-respect back, and worked my ass off to finish a not-impressive Master's Program. Nearly 10 years later, I have a healthy life and a good career.
Be a source of support, not strife. Your kids KNOW they are letting you down. They are likely watching their former hs friends kick ass at their careers, get married, have kids, buy houses. You can't help them succeed by getting involved in their work and academics. I cringe at some of the rude, selfish things I once did to my parents. I threw a tantrum when they stopped paying my rent at 23, but it was the best thing for me. I still got financial help when, for example, I needed money to move to DC to take my first postgraduate job. Disengage, but be kind and welcoming, No snide or side remarks about work or money. Take them out for dinner, one-on-one, and don't mention school, money, or work. Try relating to them as adults. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I imagine it was my parents' biggest parenting challenge.
This is fantastic advice. There is no downside to this. Everybody needs unconditional love from their parents (not financial ). It will keep your children out of the therapists office.
Anonymous
03/18/2017 08:11
Subject: Adult kids in late 20s are rude.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Did you call them out on their rudeness when they were teenagers?
I spoke harshly to them when they were young and I blame myself, but I can't undo the past, I can only try to be supportive now. However, I don't think I'm doing them favors by excusing their almost constant rudeness. (Coming and going with no greeting or comment, refusing to converse at family meals, swearing...) Only one lives at home but the other is in and out a lot due to babysitting and I can start to see her behavior reflected in grandkids (3 and 5), who always resist going home.
You have assholes as children
Anonymous
03/17/2017 20:49
Subject: Adult kids in late 20s are rude.
Sounds like you have always swooped in to fix things in their lives. As they get older it will become worse. They don't know responsibility nor kindness because they never have felt the hardships from their poor choices. I lose my job and there is nobody I can fall back on. Your kids lose their jobs and they fall back on you and live the life they want. Stop letting them use and disrespect you. Stand up for yourself. It will be hard to see them suffer from their bad choices, but like I said, it gets worse as they age.