Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 22:14     Subject: Re:How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:This is ALL about manners. Please read some books about etiquette and hosting/guest situations. If you did not learn good manners from your parents, at least educate yourself now. Then model proper manners for your son. He sounds spoiled and you sound unwilling to compromise and to leave the iPad and cursing at home. See if your son can do a visit without the crutch of an IPAD as a way to socialize.


Just curious, how old are your kids? and do they ever play videogames or use an ipad in other ways?
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 22:08     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the ban on English? Just curious. I mean, do all of you live in the U.S.? Is everyone bi-lingual or are some non-English speaking...? I hope this is not offensive.
As far as the other issues it would make me uncomfortable also and feel judged. This all could get better or worse as the kids get older. But he is your brother and the kids should know each other. I think you should keep up with the visits and try to follow their rules. Be respectful.
My guess is that they are not judging you at all, but they are struggling to maintain control of their house and children. It is probably stressful for them when you or anyone else visits.
Try not to let it damage your relationship.


NO no, not offensive at all! There is a belief that many of my compatriots have that speaking English at home will damage the parents' native language skills of kids. Like, you have to have a language safe space
Everyone is bilingual, but my brother and SIL don't speak it with ease whereas I do - maybe this has something to do with this aggressive desire to have a non-English speaking home.

do you think I should limit the visits to once a year even though they invite us more often?

Thanks for clarifying about the language. As soon as I submitted my post last night I kind of figured out the answer myself - mostly. Makes sense to me BUT I think maintaining such strict, rigid rules while having house guests - even family - is a bit unreasonable.
Do I think you should continue the visits? Yes. If the purpose is to keep up the family relationships I would suggest more frequent visits if possible. Perhaps shorter in duration. If possible can you plan some vacations together? on neutral territory where the focus would be on enjoying recreational activities together. Also I would push for brother and his family to make the trip occasionally to your home. I agree with your brother about the importance of maintaining family relationships - but not simply on principle. Not to mention that he is calling all of the shots
The relationship should be fulfilling and beneficial to all involved. It does not sound like this is the case for you. Perhaps you should discuss other options for spending time together.
I can relate to your situation having been there, done that and ... failed. Lots of regrets. I feel compelled to encourage you to keep trying OP.


PP, I just wanted to thank you once again for your thoughtful responses. If I may ask, what was your situation?
I was thinking about spending vacations together. They don't have much vacation time or money; all they have they tend to spend on travel to our country of origin (which I also don't get but this is none of my business). I don't have much money either.
Staying in a hotel would look simply strange, they would think I was terribly offended or something else happened that warrants a lot of questions.
I think I might either do shorter visits, or time them so that my nephews are still in school and my son is not; that will give myself and son much more "alone" time which will relieve the stress; also maybe shorter visits if kids are not at school.
Maybe encourage them to take local trips together.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 22:07     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the ban on English? Just curious. I mean, do all of you live in the U.S.? Is everyone bi-lingual or are some non-English speaking...? I hope this is not offensive.
As far as the other issues it would make me uncomfortable also and feel judged. This all could get better or worse as the kids get older. But he is your brother and the kids should know each other. I think you should keep up with the visits and try to follow their rules. Be respectful.
My guess is that they are not judging you at all, but they are struggling to maintain control of their house and children. It is probably stressful for them when you or anyone else visits.
Try not to let it damage your relationship.


NO no, not offensive at all! There is a belief that many of my compatriots have that speaking English at home will damage the parents' native language skills of kids. Like, you have to have a language safe space
Everyone is bilingual, but my brother and SIL don't speak it with ease whereas I do - maybe this has something to do with this aggressive desire to have a non-English speaking home.

do you think I should limit the visits to once a year even though they invite us more often?

Thanks for clarifying about the language. As soon as I submitted my post last night I kind of figured out the answer myself - mostly. Makes sense to me BUT I think maintaining such strict, rigid rules while having house guests - even family - is a bit unreasonable.
Do I think you should continue the visits? Yes. If the purpose is to keep up the family relationships I would suggest more frequent visits if possible. Perhaps shorter in duration. If possible can you plan some vacations together? on neutral territory where the focus would be on enjoying recreational activities together. Also I would push for brother and his family to make the trip occasionally to your home. I agree with your brother about the importance of maintaining family relationships - but not simply on principle. Not to mention that he is calling all of the shots
The relationship should be fulfilling and beneficial to all involved. It does not sound like this is the case for you. Perhaps you should discuss other options for spending time together.
I can relate to your situation having been there, done that and ... failed. Lots of regrets. I feel compelled to encourage you to keep trying OP.


PP, I just wanted to thank you once again for your thoughtful responses. If I may ask, what was your situation?
I was thinking about spending vacations together. They don't have much vacation time or money; all they have they tend to spend on travel to our country of origin (which I also don't get but this is none of my business). I don't have much money either.
Staying in a hotel would look simply strange, they would think I was terribly offended or something else happened that warrants a lot of questions.
I think I might either do shorter visits, or time them so that my nephews are still in school and my son is not; that will give myself and son much more "alone" time which will relieve the stress; also maybe shorter visits if kids are not at school.
Maybe encourage them to take local trips together.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 22:06     Subject: Re:How often should I see my brother's family?
This is ALL about manners. Please read some books about etiquette and hosting/guest situations. If you did not learn good manners from your parents, at least educate yourself now. Then model proper manners for your son. He sounds spoiled and you sound unwilling to compromise and to leave the iPad and cursing at home. See if your son can do a visit without the crutch of an IPAD as a way to socialize.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 22:03     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Well, it's certainly nice to hear from the lax parent's side, OP! Usually we get the uptight parent's perspective on these boards...

I am in your BIL's shoes. My kids don't even have tablets and they are required to speak in our native tongue as much as possible.

However, I would not be fussed at all to welcome you into my home two times a year, if that. Family is more important than a few hours of cussing, talking in English and tablet-binging! Actually, for my kids, it would be part of the treat!

(But make no mistake about it, I would secretly judge your parenting.)



I don't feel judgement or even discomfort from my brother, but when I told him something along the lines of "I think SIL might be upset about..." he said they both didn't approve of it but it was just a week and they believed in bringing family together blah blah blah.
It's just sad to be there not because they truly enjoy us but because they have some principles they want to exercise.


PP you were responding to.

Well, then, I don't really see what you're complaining about. They're making an effort, meeting you more than halfway actually, because they love you and think family is important. What more do you want???
They can't change their parenting beliefs just for you, OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 21:58     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel. That's an important rule.
Go once a year. At minimum you go alone
There is value to you keeping your relationship with your brother - kids or not.
If it starts to annoy you that you do the traveling, they never come to you, go every other year.
Again,just yourself is still valuable, if it comes to that.


I am fine with traveling, it is easier for me than hosting.
I would like the kids to have a relationship if possible; was just wondering how to do this without experiencing too much judgement (or rather, without seeing SIL become too stressed).
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 18:01     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the ban on English? Just curious. I mean, do all of you live in the U.S.? Is everyone bi-lingual or are some non-English speaking...? I hope this is not offensive.
As far as the other issues it would make me uncomfortable also and feel judged. This all could get better or worse as the kids get older. But he is your brother and the kids should know each other. I think you should keep up with the visits and try to follow their rules. Be respectful.
My guess is that they are not judging you at all, but they are struggling to maintain control of their house and children. It is probably stressful for them when you or anyone else visits.
Try not to let it damage your relationship.


NO no, not offensive at all! There is a belief that many of my compatriots have that speaking English at home will damage the parents' native language skills of kids. Like, you have to have a language safe space
Everyone is bilingual, but my brother and SIL don't speak it with ease whereas I do - maybe this has something to do with this aggressive desire to have a non-English speaking home.

do you think I should limit the visits to once a year even though they invite us more often?

Thanks for clarifying about the language. As soon as I submitted my post last night I kind of figured out the answer myself - mostly. Makes sense to me BUT I think maintaining such strict, rigid rules while having house guests - even family - is a bit unreasonable.
Do I think you should continue the visits? Yes. If the purpose is to keep up the family relationships I would suggest more frequent visits if possible. Perhaps shorter in duration. If possible can you plan some vacations together? on neutral territory where the focus would be on enjoying recreational activities together. Also I would push for brother and his family to make the trip occasionally to your home. I agree with your brother about the importance of maintaining family relationships - but not simply on principle. Not to mention that he is calling all of the shots
The relationship should be fulfilling and beneficial to all involved. It does not sound like this is the case for you. Perhaps you should discuss other options for spending time together.
I can relate to your situation having been there, done that and ... failed. Lots of regrets. I feel compelled to encourage you to keep trying OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 14:51     Subject: Re:How often should I see my brother's family?
Swearing no
iPad no
He should be able to speak whatever language he prefers
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 14:49     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Stay in a hotel. That's an important rule.
Go once a year. At minimum you go alone
There is value to you keeping your relationship with your brother - kids or not.
If it starts to annoy you that you do the traveling, they never come to you, go every other year.
Again,just yourself is still valuable, if it comes to that.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 13:56     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
It's NOT like he sits down ...
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 13:55     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the ban on English? Just curious. I mean, do all of you live in the U.S.? Is everyone bi-lingual or are some non-English speaking...? I hope this is not offensive.
As far as the other issues it would make me uncomfortable also and feel judged. This all could get better or worse as the kids get older. But he is your brother and the kids should know each other. I think you should keep up with the visits and try to follow their rules. Be respectful.
My guess is that they are not judging you at all, but they are struggling to maintain control of their house and children. It is probably stressful for them when you or anyone else visits.
Try not to let it damage your relationship.


NO no, not offensive at all! There is a belief that many of my compatriots have that speaking English at home will damage the parents' native language skills of kids. Like, you have to have a language safe space
Everyone is bilingual, but my brother and SIL don't speak it with ease whereas I do - maybe this has something to do with this aggressive desire to have a non-English speaking home.

do you think I should limit the visits to once a year even though they invite us more often?


NP. It's hard to keep another language going when kids are exposed to English everywhere else.

OP, I'm very liberal with screen time, but I have to admit--kids with iPads are too annoying. You're visiting family. Presumably, this time should be spent building relationships, not staring at screens. Screens are fine when there's nothing better to do.

I'm surprised you're still welcome in your brother's house. I wouldn't tolerate a cursing brat for a second.


They play together; taking turns and discussing the games. It's. it like sits down with an iPad in the middle of family dinner or starts cursing out of the blue.
Unfortunately he is not very good at tolerating high or prolonged stress (and being around his cousins all day is stressful for him as I said before).
I will try to plan some time for just the two of us when we visit next time, I think he needs more downtime.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 13:51     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Well, it's certainly nice to hear from the lax parent's side, OP! Usually we get the uptight parent's perspective on these boards...

I am in your BIL's shoes. My kids don't even have tablets and they are required to speak in our native tongue as much as possible.

However, I would not be fussed at all to welcome you into my home two times a year, if that. Family is more important than a few hours of cussing, talking in English and tablet-binging! Actually, for my kids, it would be part of the treat!

(But make no mistake about it, I would secretly judge your parenting.)



I don't feel judgement or even discomfort from my brother, but when I told him something along the lines of "I think SIL might be upset about..." he said they both didn't approve of it but it was just a week and they believed in bringing family together blah blah blah.
It's just sad to be there not because they truly enjoy us but because they have some principles they want to exercise.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 10:01     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the ban on English? Just curious. I mean, do all of you live in the U.S.? Is everyone bi-lingual or are some non-English speaking...? I hope this is not offensive.
As far as the other issues it would make me uncomfortable also and feel judged. This all could get better or worse as the kids get older. But he is your brother and the kids should know each other. I think you should keep up with the visits and try to follow their rules. Be respectful.
My guess is that they are not judging you at all, but they are struggling to maintain control of their house and children. It is probably stressful for them when you or anyone else visits.
Try not to let it damage your relationship.


NO no, not offensive at all! There is a belief that many of my compatriots have that speaking English at home will damage the parents' native language skills of kids. Like, you have to have a language safe space
Everyone is bilingual, but my brother and SIL don't speak it with ease whereas I do - maybe this has something to do with this aggressive desire to have a non-English speaking home.

do you think I should limit the visits to once a year even though they invite us more often?


NP. It's hard to keep another language going when kids are exposed to English everywhere else.

OP, I'm very liberal with screen time, but I have to admit--kids with iPads are too annoying. You're visiting family. Presumably, this time should be spent building relationships, not staring at screens. Screens are fine when there's nothing better to do.

I'm surprised you're still welcome in your brother's house. I wouldn't tolerate a cursing brat for a second.
Anonymous
Post 03/14/2017 09:04     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
I think its weird to judge someone for letting a kid use an ipad for a reasonable time and for speaking English. This is mainstream normal American parenting. I judge you for judging.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2017 23:37     Subject: How often should I see my brother's family?
Anonymous wrote:
Well, it's certainly nice to hear from the lax parent's side, OP! Usually we get the uptight parent's perspective on these boards...

I am in your BIL's shoes. My kids don't even have tablets and they are required to speak in our native tongue as much as possible.

However, I would not be fussed at all to welcome you into my home two times a year, if that. Family is more important than a few hours of cussing, talking in English and tablet-binging! Actually, for my kids, it would be part of the treat!

(But make no mistake about it, I would secretly judge your parenting.)



Oh god, not to bring up the sleepover thread debacle, but I feel very fortunate to have been exposed to other families' lifestyles, rules, and expectations. Conform as much as you can while you're in their home. It's a valuable learning experience. I don't judge cursing in kids unless the parents don't even attempt to correct it. I think it is rude for them to judge your kids' use of English. Your SIL sounds like a giant pill, btw. Family is more important than rigid rules, unless something mean or unsafe is happening.

All nieces and nephews on my side and DH's side are older than ours, and they get away with a lot of stuff DH and I would shut down in our own kid. It's a non-issue for us. Meanness is shut down with a quickness. Everything else is just part of being around other families.