Anonymous
03/20/2017 18:54
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
OP, a few things for you:
Yes, the groups do change over the years, as kids are assigned to different courses and classrooms and teachers. Friendships will ebb and flow depending on what's going on that day/month/semester.
Parties in HS are truly a double-edged sword - a lot of bad stuff can start happening and ramping up (drink, drugs, sex), even with the "good kids," so it's really NOT a bad thing to not be going to too many parties them right now.
Finally, as I think someone said this when you first posted: it sounds like SO much of your son's feelings are due to FOMO and social media. Ugh - I hate it SO much for our kids! They are bombarded 24/7 with everyone's business, and it can make the most well-adjusted and popular kid start to doubt him/herself.
I think your son is FINE, I really do, but I can totally understand your concern. And his. There are tons of other kids who feel exactly as he does. He's involved, he's got some friends, he's got a wonderful support system.
He's not alone!
Yes, the groups do change over the years, as kids are assigned to different courses and classrooms and teachers. Friendships will ebb and flow depending on what's going on that day/month/semester.
Parties in HS are truly a double-edged sword - a lot of bad stuff can start happening and ramping up (drink, drugs, sex), even with the "good kids," so it's really NOT a bad thing to not be going to too many parties them right now.
Finally, as I think someone said this when you first posted: it sounds like SO much of your son's feelings are due to FOMO and social media. Ugh - I hate it SO much for our kids! They are bombarded 24/7 with everyone's business, and it can make the most well-adjusted and popular kid start to doubt him/herself.
I think your son is FINE, I really do, but I can totally understand your concern. And his. There are tons of other kids who feel exactly as he does. He's involved, he's got some friends, he's got a wonderful support system.
He's not alone!
Anonymous
03/20/2017 18:04
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Op here - thank you for your feedback - I do appreciate it. To the parent who suggested that he might just not want to socialize, I don't think that is the case - he is an extrovert and I see how crushed he looks when he sees the pictures from the night before on Snapchat etc. He does have a couple of guy friends who he hangs out with from time to time but he told me last night he feels like he's just not making any progress and just so wants to be included in the parties and larger groups etc. I think being on a team is a double edged sword - it helps you get to know more kids but it also means that you hear about more things you missed after the fact. I was wondering whether he should talk to a therapist - just have someone he can trust to talk it through with - but he's not interested. My fear is that these groups get formed, he gets cut out and then he's stuck for the rest of high school. is that how things work or do the groups change over the years? I think the parties now are pretty small - I assume that changes too? I just don't know if this is a stage we need to just try to get him through or if we need to try to do something.
Anonymous
03/17/2017 13:59
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Same situation, OP. Mine always has someone to sit with/talk to/partner with on projects, but rarely does he get invited to things. He doesn't get many texts either now that I think about it. Honestly, it is almost like he is forgotten about outside of school and practices, unless it is playing xbox. He has initiated some things and it goes well, but it seems to end there and is rarely reciprocated.
I have no advice, but wanted you to know your son is not alone. [/quote
Exact same with mine (although in 10th grade, hasn't gotten much better.) So that makes three of them- if we could just get them together they'd have their own pack. Can someone create an app for this????
I will offer that older son was similar. He eventually made one good friend who happened to be a social connector, this led to date for a dance which led to a girlfriend who made all kinds of plans and then we barely saw him. I was shocked but it did work out for him. BTW we took him to mental health professional for a short time. Boys don't like talking to parents - especially - mom about not having friends.
It seemed to help to talk to someone outside of school, family. It's painful to watch
There Already is an app for this. Walter Johnson high school uses it. I believe it is called "sit with me "or "sit with us "
Anonymous
03/17/2017 13:42
Subject: Re:Teen boy social struggles
Pretty common situation. Guys do not plan much at any age, but particularly in the middle school - early high school stages. Transport is difficult - no one drives and having mom/dad around is not great. What to do? Where to go? all are issues.
But -- think about what you have around you that is fairly easy to drop off and pick up, AND do something at. Movies in a mall for example -- go grab something to eat before or after? Bowling? Whatever else sounds okay. Then work with him on how to actually put out an invite. Kids communicate via text. So -- help him figure out who to text and what to say in it. It may not seem like rocket science, but it is a skill that everyone needs to work on to learn. Help your kid learn how to do it. He will complain of course, but brush off the complaints and actually get an invite out there. Work through his contact numbers -- get a group contact going. Not everyone has to go. Rides will be needed in all likelihood so plan your own timing. Your kid can put together several different groups of varying sizes.
My now oldest has about 6 group chats. The regular guys. Guys from soccer. Guys/Girls who he eats lunch with. Guys/Girls from Class X. Guys/Girls from Class Y. Guys plus his girlfriend (odd group buy his girlfriend is one of those who is better with guys than girls). You have to keep straight who is which group, but get the groups put together and get him to find away to regularly communicate with them. Then it will not seem so bad to say -- "staying after school for XYZ - anyone else up for that?" "Need a bowling fix -- anyone else?" Make sure he clears timing with you if your are the driver.
Anonymous
03/17/2017 12:56
Subject: Re:Teen boy social struggles
Having raised three boys, I'd just focus on making sure your son is busy generally. We did a lot of family stuff during freshman year with each kid like fun runs, outings, etc. They also played sports and had practices/games or independent conditioning on the weekends.
OP as a mom to three introverts, you might want to examine whether your son even wants a more full social calendar. I think with each of my kids the demands of high school, sports, etc made it so they really wanted to just veg and be left alone at home.
OP as a mom to three introverts, you might want to examine whether your son even wants a more full social calendar. I think with each of my kids the demands of high school, sports, etc made it so they really wanted to just veg and be left alone at home.
Anonymous
03/17/2017 12:13
Subject: Re:Teen boy social struggles
My 9th grader is sort of like this but he has had some luck recently with being more direct. Just text some kids and say -do you want to go to the basketball game tonight at school, do you want to see a movie this weekend. A lot of time that works and then is spirals since they might make plans for the next get together when they are at the first one.
Anonymous
03/17/2017 10:56
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Another poster who thinks he is going to have to start initiating and brush off "rejection". There are lots of reasons why other boys might say no to an invitation that have nothing to do with whether they'd actually like to hang out. And I am not sure boys really think about "reciprocating"...he might just have to be the one to issue invitations because the other boys are bad at planning or just don't think to initiate.
Also, how are the kids communicating? For my kid ideas for plans might come up at school, but the real planning happens later at home via texting. That is because even though kids are making the plans, (where we live) they still depend on parents for rides.
Also, how are the kids communicating? For my kid ideas for plans might come up at school, but the real planning happens later at home via texting. That is because even though kids are making the plans, (where we live) they still depend on parents for rides.
Anonymous
03/17/2017 10:15
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Anonymous wrote:OP here - nice to know my kid is not the only one! To the PP who mentioned parties, that is true - some of the kids are smoking pot and starting to drink (not all of them but definitely some). This does make things more difficult to figure out - obviously I don't want my kid getting into trouble but I also hate to see him alone. I feel like he is just not very smart about figuring out who the good/nice kids are versus the the jerky/troublemakers - I remember having to figure that out too and it took some time and effort but he just seems unable/unwilling - I think he is just scared to put himself out there and take the risk of being rejected.
OP, I am sure it will get easier for your son. If there is a school sport event-being Spring sports-lacrosse or baseball game that he can initiate attending with a few friends then going to MCDonalds afterwards. Or just a pick-up basketball game after school. He just needs to break into going with others. Something that he can go to even if he just gets one taker. But he probably is going to have to initiate some of the activities.
Anonymous
03/17/2017 09:12
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Anonymous wrote:what about a girlfriend? that might be worth investigating (he investigating it not you...)
Np. This is terrible advice! The op's son is too young for a girlfriend and needs to figure himself out before he gets attached. Good lord, why would you encourage this? As a mom to a DD I would not be thrilled.
Anonymous
03/17/2017 09:08
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
OP here - nice to know my kid is not the only one! To the PP who mentioned parties, that is true - some of the kids are smoking pot and starting to drink (not all of them but definitely some). This does make things more difficult to figure out - obviously I don't want my kid getting into trouble but I also hate to see him alone. I feel like he is just not very smart about figuring out who the good/nice kids are versus the the jerky/troublemakers - I remember having to figure that out too and it took some time and effort but he just seems unable/unwilling - I think he is just scared to put himself out there and take the risk of being rejected.
Anonymous
03/14/2017 12:33
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He almost always initiates except for 2 friends. But rarely has anyone turned him down unless they are busy or the weather changes. They really enjoy the invitations. At this point, he just ignores the boy clique which is still going strong on HS.
Different poster but, 1334, love your idea! Thanks!
PP here: DS does not expect other boys to reciprocate invitations. That may be the key: just create your own fun and invite someone to come. He does have two people he spends a lot of time with. He just keeps in touch with others and then invites them to kick around a ball. It can be different people on different days. He also encourages others to bring someone with them. Next thing you know, there are 5-6 kids kicking a ball around on a nearby field.
Anonymous
03/14/2017 11:48
Subject: Re:Teen boy social struggles
Anonymous wrote:Kids in 9th are going to drinking parties and smoking pot.
Maybe he is just avoiding that.
+100
The cliques are known for that. You have a smart kid.
Anonymous
03/14/2017 11:23
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Anonymous wrote:Mine has the same problem. Talks to kids at school but doesn't know how to take it to the next level. What DO 9th grade boys do for fun after school/weekends?
Mine mostly likes to play x-box with his group of friends. I encourage him to actually hang out in-person with this crew but he says that doesn't work because they can't play the game when they are together
But, they do also occasionally go to teen roller skate nights at our community center.
Anonymous
03/13/2017 23:27
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
Mine has the same problem. Talks to kids at school but doesn't know how to take it to the next level. What DO 9th grade boys do for fun after school/weekends?
Anonymous
03/13/2017 22:21
Subject: Teen boy social struggles
what about a girlfriend? that might be worth investigating (he investigating it not you...)