Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:57
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a mother like you. Don't listen to those people. They don't know what it is like to have a mother like that. If you don't cut her off, this mommy issue is going to create dramas for the rest of your life. It's going to affect your relationship with your husband and your future children, believe me. One day I decided that I had enough and cut my mother off completely. Sometimes I feel sad because my kids do not know their grandmother, but I'm glad that I does not subject them to the abuse from my mother.
Do not take THEIR money for the wedding. You wont' hear the end of it. Pay for it yourself. Do not invite your mom. It's your special day. Live a better and free life.
OP here- Thank you. I was seeing a therapist up until this past Summer and a lot of it was focused on my mom and how i was brought up and a lot of issues I have as an adult because of her. He told me that he ususally focuses on keeping families together and working through things but from everything that I told him and all the stories, he told me that the best thing would be to not have her in my life as she's such a toxic person. He thinks she is a narcissit (sp?) and that nothing will change and for my own mental health, I need to not have her around. When I have kids, i do not want her around my kids at all. She has no problem screaming at me on the phone in front of my fiance or saying nasty things to me so I can only imagine how she'd be around my kids.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:55
Subject: Re:I don't want my mom at my wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP,
Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.
OP Here- I'm confused by your comments. Out of everyone I know that has gotten married, it's been the brides parents that have paid for it. My best friend is in the process of planning her June wedding right now and her family is covering the whole thing besides the rehersal which her fiances family is paying for. Is that not common?
Also, I wasn't expecting her to make a huge deal about our engagment but she never said a word about it. My dad was the first person I told and he was THRILLED and said how happy he was for us...same as all of the rest of my family. She just never said a thing about it or acknowledged it. But again, I never expected anything from her because this is the type of person she is towards me.
OP, are you from a different culture? Because while sometimes parents will help pay for a wedding, it is not their responsibility. And if you DO accept their money, you cannot not have your mom there. That's not how it works. Either be an adult, and pay for your own wedding, and determine who will be there because you want them there, or continue being a child and having your parents do everything. But you don't get to exclude them when they are paying for it. You sound ridiculous, entitled, and spoiled as hell. I had a physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive mother, and I know that because I don't want her at my wedding, I will pay for it myself. Even if it means not having the fairy tale wedding everyone dreams of, it'll be something that works for my budget, and I'll determine the guest list as a result.
OP here- No, I'm not from a different culture and I can promise you I am not spoiled or entitled. I never once said that I expected them to pay or that I thought it was their responsiblity...all I said was that every single one of my friends who have gotten married, the brides parents paid for the whole wedding. My fiance and I did not ask my parents to pay for anything. We had every intention of paying for our wedding ourselves but my dad reached out to us shortly after we got engaged and told me that he would like to contribute $10k to the wedding. We expected to pay a lot extra but since we are having such a small/casual wedding, it's coming to around $10k all in. As I mentioned above, we told my dad that we'd rather pay for it and not have her there and he insisted that we must let him contribute what he wants.
He can't force you to take his money. If you really want to cut the strings, you'll have to decline the gift. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, and you shouldn't be in this situation, but here you are. Best way forward, as I see it, is to tell your dad "thanks, but we can't accept your money," and pay for the wedding yourself. That way, you can truly decide, freely, whether you want your mom there.
+1 You don't have to let your dad contribute. If you do, understand that the cost of accepting the money is having your mother there.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:55
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
Anonymous wrote:OP, there's some weird hater on here giving you a hard time- ignore that person.
Here's my advice, though- you say you have siblings. Is it possible to assign someone to deal with her? That is, have someone who sits with her, who runs interference, who prevents her from getting to you?
Is she this way to your siblings? Is she different with you? Is this just how she is and for whatever reason your siblings cope with it in different ways?
I have no experienced anything like what you have posted, so take my advice for what it's worth. But for your family, maybe having her there (with several people in charge of keeping her away from you) might be worth it. tYes, she'd be in some pictures. But you can tell the photographer ahead of time about the issues and a skilled photographer will work to make her feel included while actually excluding her from some photos.
I had a tough experience with my MIL before the wedding. Several of my husband's friends knew, and simply ran interference whenever she was headed my way - they'd swoop in and take her to dance or distract her. It was awesome of them.
OP Here- My siblings are both in high school so I'd hate putting them in charge of something like that. My dad knows how I feel towards my mom so I could probably ask him to do his best to keep her away and keep her as "normal" as possible during our wedding. No, she's not like this with my siblings at all. My brother is her "baby" as it's her only boy so he can do no wrong in her eyes. My sister pretty much took the place of me and is the daughter she always wanted and she makes that very clear. My sister can also do no wrong in her eyes and gets away with everything. For example- when I was 17, I got my cartilage peirced (top part of my ear). When she saw it, she called me a whore and a bunch of other nasty names and let me know how trashy it was. When my sister turned 15, she wanted it done and my mom happily took her. When I was 16, I came home from the movies with eyeliner on and my mom literally dragged me to the bathroom and scrubbed my face. My sister has been wearing makeup since she was 13 and my mom constantly takes her to Sephora to stock up......so you can see where I am coming from?
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:27
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
OP, I have a mother like you. Don't listen to those people. They don't know what it is like to have a mother like that. If you don't cut her off, this mommy issue is going to create dramas for the rest of your life. It's going to affect your relationship with your husband and your future children, believe me. One day I decided that I had enough and cut my mother off completely. Sometimes I feel sad because my kids do not know their grandmother, but I'm glad that I does not subject them to the abuse from my mother.
Do not take THEIR money for the wedding. You wont' hear the end of it. Pay for it yourself. Do not invite your mom. It's your special day. Live a better and free life.
Do not take THEIR money for the wedding. You wont' hear the end of it. Pay for it yourself. Do not invite your mom. It's your special day. Live a better and free life.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:27
Subject: Re:I don't want my mom at my wedding
If you take the money, you have to invite her. But as another PP said, perhaps a sibling or friend can run interference so you don't have to spend any time with her at all. And you can mention to the photographer that you want to limit photos that include her to the whole family (ie not mother-daughter) and to make them quick.
Alternatively, you can tell your dad that you really appreciate the offer but you've decided you cannot accept the money to pay for the wedding. If he still wants to give it as a gift post-wedding, you could accept that, but you and fiance are adults and want to pay for the wedding yourselves and not feel beholden or obligated to invite any particular person, including your own mother.
And finally -- if your parents are still married and you invite dad and not mom, as another PP said, that will be the complete end of the relationship. Which is fine if that is what you want. But be certain before you do it because there's really no going back.
Alternatively, you can tell your dad that you really appreciate the offer but you've decided you cannot accept the money to pay for the wedding. If he still wants to give it as a gift post-wedding, you could accept that, but you and fiance are adults and want to pay for the wedding yourselves and not feel beholden or obligated to invite any particular person, including your own mother.
And finally -- if your parents are still married and you invite dad and not mom, as another PP said, that will be the complete end of the relationship. Which is fine if that is what you want. But be certain before you do it because there's really no going back.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:13
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
The thing is, not inviting her to the wedding is pretty much an official cut-off of the relationship. Cutting her off may be the right thing to do; but sometimes it takes a while to getting to that point.
And a cut-off that is precipitated by something so symbolic as a wedding is likely to be MUCH more dramatic and difficult to manage than doing it in a way where you can be more calm and more sure about yourself. It's going to muddy the waters because now SHE can claim that you are the awful one and make it all about her and the offenses you have committed.
Also, a complete cut off with your mom might not be the way you want to go anyway, since you seem to still want to be able to have a relationship with your dad and siblings who still live with her.
So I think you really only have 2 choices: invite your mom, but work HARD to maintain good boundaries and not let her ruin things (like, have a deputized Mom Manager who ensures that she doesn't wreck things). Or, elope.
And a cut-off that is precipitated by something so symbolic as a wedding is likely to be MUCH more dramatic and difficult to manage than doing it in a way where you can be more calm and more sure about yourself. It's going to muddy the waters because now SHE can claim that you are the awful one and make it all about her and the offenses you have committed.
Also, a complete cut off with your mom might not be the way you want to go anyway, since you seem to still want to be able to have a relationship with your dad and siblings who still live with her.
So I think you really only have 2 choices: invite your mom, but work HARD to maintain good boundaries and not let her ruin things (like, have a deputized Mom Manager who ensures that she doesn't wreck things). Or, elope.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:12
Subject: Re:I don't want my mom at my wedding
Are your parents still married to each other?
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:12
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
OP, there's some weird hater on here giving you a hard time- ignore that person.
Here's my advice, though- you say you have siblings. Is it possible to assign someone to deal with her? That is, have someone who sits with her, who runs interference, who prevents her from getting to you?
Is she this way to your siblings? Is she different with you? Is this just how she is and for whatever reason your siblings cope with it in different ways?
I have no experienced anything like what you have posted, so take my advice for what it's worth. But for your family, maybe having her there (with several people in charge of keeping her away from you) might be worth it. tYes, she'd be in some pictures. But you can tell the photographer ahead of time about the issues and a skilled photographer will work to make her feel included while actually excluding her from some photos.
I had a tough experience with my MIL before the wedding. Several of my husband's friends knew, and simply ran interference whenever she was headed my way - they'd swoop in and take her to dance or distract her. It was awesome of them.
Here's my advice, though- you say you have siblings. Is it possible to assign someone to deal with her? That is, have someone who sits with her, who runs interference, who prevents her from getting to you?
Is she this way to your siblings? Is she different with you? Is this just how she is and for whatever reason your siblings cope with it in different ways?
I have no experienced anything like what you have posted, so take my advice for what it's worth. But for your family, maybe having her there (with several people in charge of keeping her away from you) might be worth it. tYes, she'd be in some pictures. But you can tell the photographer ahead of time about the issues and a skilled photographer will work to make her feel included while actually excluding her from some photos.
I had a tough experience with my MIL before the wedding. Several of my husband's friends knew, and simply ran interference whenever she was headed my way - they'd swoop in and take her to dance or distract her. It was awesome of them.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:07
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Elope and spend the money on a fabulous honeymoon. DH and I did it. Best decision ever!
OP here- we honestly thought about doing this. Did you regret not having a wedding with family and friends at all though? My concern is that at some point I'd regret not having the traditional wedding.
Just don't invite your mom. It's okay to not have her there! I get the sense that an elopement would not be right for you.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:04
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
Anonymous wrote:OP- wait, your parents are married? You mom was abusive to her and your dad stayed married to her? Why are you okay having a relationship with your dad when he didn't stick up for you?
Op here- my dad apologized to me about 3 years ago for never standing up for me. He called me out of the blue one day and opened up about how he regretted not taking my side and always being on her side. He was never around when she would throw things at me or hit me so he never saw it and she was good at persuading him that I was lying or being dramatic.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 16:02
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
Anonymous wrote:Elope and spend the money on a fabulous honeymoon. DH and I did it. Best decision ever!
OP here- we honestly thought about doing this. Did you regret not having a wedding with family and friends at all though? My concern is that at some point I'd regret not having the traditional wedding.
Anonymous
03/08/2017 15:47
Subject: Re:I don't want my mom at my wedding
Very rude to take the money and not invite her. Also, no one is forcing you to take the money. Pay for it yourself and invite who you want
Anonymous
03/08/2017 15:45
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
Anonymous wrote:OP I give you permission to not invite her.
And yes, bride's family does normally pay some or all. And yes, parents do normally give best wishes to brides (not saying "congratulations" to a bride is bad luck to some people).
This plus 1000! Ignore the weird haters on here. Seriously where did they come from? Oh yeah, Congrats!!!!
Anonymous
03/08/2017 15:37
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
Elope and spend the money on a fabulous honeymoon. DH and I did it. Best decision ever!
Anonymous
03/08/2017 15:37
Subject: I don't want my mom at my wedding
[b]
If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to make this decision for yourself. You can politely turn down his money if you want. You have the right to establish boundaries with your family.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pay for it yourself and don't invite her. Even if you need to do something smaller or more casual, it will be worth it because you will actually enjoy yourself. Why invite negativity into your life?
OP here- We thought about this and got to the point of wanting to do this but my dad shot it down and said that he insisted they give us the money towards it. I have told him how I don't want her there and he said I can do what I want but that I should be the bigger person and just suck it up for a day.
If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to make this decision for yourself. You can politely turn down his money if you want. You have the right to establish boundaries with your family.