Anonymous
04/02/2017 12:43
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
I think the modern tendency to insist that all men must be 100% gay or straight is simplistic and damaging and ultimately preventing men from being open and honest about themselves. I think a lot people, male or female, fall somewhere in between, and are being pressured to "fit in" to one bucket or the other.
If OPs friend is definitely gay, and he knows it, then he should definitely not be dating women. I get the feeling that he is somewhere in between, and that's why he's elusive about it. He doesn't quite feel like he is gay, but if he says that he is bi, he has to deal with the judgment of both "liberals" and conservatives who insist that he be only one or the other.
If OPs friend is definitely gay, and he knows it, then he should definitely not be dating women. I get the feeling that he is somewhere in between, and that's why he's elusive about it. He doesn't quite feel like he is gay, but if he says that he is bi, he has to deal with the judgment of both "liberals" and conservatives who insist that he be only one or the other.
Anonymous
03/22/2017 12:54
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
My closest gay male friend has twins with his loving husband. They have a beautiful family and a minivan and a house in the 'burbs. Thinking of getting a labrador, literally have a white picket fence. The whole deal.
BUT. When my friend realized that he wanted a family (right before he met his husband), he literally changed careers from a job he loved to one that is long hours and high stress but pays $$$. It took years of saving and the price of a decent new car to get their twins, and they were lucky (surrogacy took on the first try, no miscarriages or medical issues and babies carried to term). We know another gay couple who took two tries for surrogacy to stick and then their twins were born as 32-week preemies at the other end of the country and dads had to fly back and forth during their extended and expensive NICU stay.
The point is, if I were a gay man and knew I wanted a family and thought I COULD be sexually compatible with a wife instead of a husband, it would certainly simplify everything else. If he isn't rolling in dough, and he is interested in women too, then this may be the best way to get to the outcome he wants.
BUT. When my friend realized that he wanted a family (right before he met his husband), he literally changed careers from a job he loved to one that is long hours and high stress but pays $$$. It took years of saving and the price of a decent new car to get their twins, and they were lucky (surrogacy took on the first try, no miscarriages or medical issues and babies carried to term). We know another gay couple who took two tries for surrogacy to stick and then their twins were born as 32-week preemies at the other end of the country and dads had to fly back and forth during their extended and expensive NICU stay.
The point is, if I were a gay man and knew I wanted a family and thought I COULD be sexually compatible with a wife instead of a husband, it would certainly simplify everything else. If he isn't rolling in dough, and he is interested in women too, then this may be the best way to get to the outcome he wants.
Anonymous
03/22/2017 12:39
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.
He can't create a child with another man.
Don't you have some misogynist supremacist pig forum to hang out on? In other words, piss off.
Biology is racist/sexist/homophobic.
We all know 2 gay men ejaculate into a cup and hey presto, a baby forms.
Yes, but they still need two women, one to donate the egg and the other to carry the baby. Men don't have uterus, remember your biology from 9th or 10th grade.
What a hater!
pp, what an odd thing to say! Stating the facts does not make anyone a "hater"
Anonymous
03/22/2017 12:37
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
You sound like a good friend, OP. Yeah, if he were definitely bisexual, I'd encourage him to date women if he wanted to. But from your description it sounds like he's not really. The main thing is that he needs to be honest with the women he dates about his past. It would be deeply unfair to hide this from them.Anonymous wrote:Thank you. This is OP. I am a female by the way, to posters that assumed I was a guy. I include my best friend in everything, family events, taking the kids to events, I have always encouraged him to invite anyone that he wants over, and he has brought dates over for dinner (always men). I have NO PROBLEM with this. I do have a problem if he is going to date a woman and not tell her that all his life he has been gay. I don't think that's fair to her or him. It seems that he thinks it's the "easy way" to lead a normal life and have a family. The only reason I mentioned him being masculine and not outwardly appearing gay is because if he starts dating a woman, she will NOT KNOW that he is gay unless he tells her. Maybe he thinks he may be bi, I don't know. I am struggling with if he does bring a female date over for dinner or to meet me that I KNOW he isn't going to tell her that he is gay. This is where my problem lies. This is where I was speechless. How do you support your friend finding what he believes is happiness, yet it may be deceiving another person in the meantime.Anonymous wrote:Isn't OP bringing his traits up BECAUSE the friend said he wants to date women. Perhaps a bit stereotypical, but meaning that he would be able to hide his sexual preference without difficulty. OP seems confused because if a straight friend came out saying they suddenly desired a homosexual relationship, it would be confusing. He is asking how to help.
By the way, he has dated a few women over the last couple weeks (he has no problem finding dates!) and he seems happy. I haven't said anything about it to him or the women, I'm just feeling things out and seeing if this is temporary, or if he is really looking to change his lifestyle. From what I know, if you are gay, you are gay. You can't CHOOSE to NOT be gay.
He needs to be true to himself in order to find true happiness.
Right now he is a gay man that thinks his true happiness will be starting a family with a woman. That to me is a problem.
I don't know about your friend but some people do go from dating one gender to the other and then back - but that's based on who they're attracted to, not what they think will give them a stereotypical acceptable family life.
Anonymous
03/22/2017 12:10
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sexuality is fluid. Women do this all the time. Maybe it helps to drop the labels. If he is happy dating women then good for them. It's not cut and dry.
So maybe the old phrase of sexual preference was more accurate than sexual orientation?
Nope.
First of all, "sexuality is fluid" is pretty much a crock as it applies to men. Women, more accurate.
If you're wired to be on the bi part of the spectrum, then you can be "fluid". But IMO most of us men are too far towards one end or the other to have too much built-in fluidity.
A guy who has identified long-term as gay but doesn't want to be inevitably needs counseling to get comfortable with himself. If he has a touch of the bi and wants to explore that honestly, great. Highly unlikely that's where he'll end up, however.
Anonymous
03/21/2017 21:35
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Sexuality is fluid. Women do this all the time. Maybe it helps to drop the labels. If he is happy dating women then good for them. It's not cut and dry.
So maybe the old phrase of sexual preference was more accurate than sexual orientation?
Anonymous
03/21/2017 14:02
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.
He can't create a child with another man.
Don't you have some misogynist supremacist pig forum to hang out on? In other words, piss off.
Biology is racist/sexist/homophobic.
We all know 2 gay men ejaculate into a cup and hey presto, a baby forms.
Yes, but they still need two women, one to donate the egg and the other to carry the baby. Men don't have uterus, remember your biology from 9th or 10th grade.
What a hater!
Anonymous
03/21/2017 10:07
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Sexuality is fluid. Women do this all the time. Maybe it helps to drop the labels. If he is happy dating women then good for them. It's not cut and dry.
Anonymous
03/21/2017 09:22
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Thank you. This is OP. I am a female by the way, to posters that assumed I was a guy. I include my best friend in everything, family events, taking the kids to events, I have always encouraged him to invite anyone that he wants over, and he has brought dates over for dinner (always men). I have NO PROBLEM with this. I do have a problem if he is going to date a woman and not tell her that all his life he has been gay. I don't think that's fair to her or him. It seems that he thinks it's the "easy way" to lead a normal life and have a family. The only reason I mentioned him being masculine and not outwardly appearing gay is because if he starts dating a woman, she will NOT KNOW that he is gay unless he tells her. Maybe he thinks he may be bi, I don't know. I am struggling with if he does bring a female date over for dinner or to meet me that I KNOW he isn't going to tell her that he is gay. This is where my problem lies. This is where I was speechless. How do you support your friend finding what he believes is happiness, yet it may be deceiving another person in the meantime.Anonymous wrote:Isn't OP bringing his traits up BECAUSE the friend said he wants to date women. Perhaps a bit stereotypical, but meaning that he would be able to hide his sexual preference without difficulty. OP seems confused because if a straight friend came out saying they suddenly desired a homosexual relationship, it would be confusing. He is asking how to help.
By the way, he has dated a few women over the last couple weeks (he has no problem finding dates!) and he seems happy. I haven't said anything about it to him or the women, I'm just feeling things out and seeing if this is temporary, or if he is really looking to change his lifestyle. From what I know, if you are gay, you are gay. You can't CHOOSE to NOT be gay.
He needs to be true to himself in order to find true happiness.
Right now he is a gay man that thinks his true happiness will be starting a family with a woman. That to me is a problem.
Anonymous
03/20/2017 17:37
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.
He can't create a child with another man.
Don't you have some misogynist supremacist pig forum to hang out on? In other words, piss off.
Biology is racist/sexist/homophobic.
We all know 2 gay men ejaculate into a cup and hey presto, a baby forms.
Yes, but they still need two women, one to donate the egg and the other to carry the baby. Men don't have uterus, remember your biology from 9th or 10th grade.
Anonymous
03/20/2017 17:33
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.
He can't create a child with another man.
Don't you have some misogynist supremacist pig forum to hang out on? In other words, piss off.
Biology is racist/sexist/homophobic.
We all know 2 gay men ejaculate into a cup and hey presto, a baby forms.
Anonymous
03/14/2017 23:12
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.
He can't create a child with another man.
Don't you have some misogynist supremacist pig forum to hang out on? In other words, piss off.
How is what I posted misogynist or supremacist? It's truth. Perhaps it's the reason he doesn't want to be gay. He has a natural desire to be able to create a child that's part him and part the person he loves.
Anonymous
03/14/2017 21:19
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.
He can't create a child with another man.
Don't you have some misogynist supremacist pig forum to hang out on? In other words, piss off.
Anonymous
03/13/2017 22:56
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
Poor guy. I feel bad for him.
Anonymous
03/13/2017 22:54
Subject: A gay man that doesn't want to be gay
He may think to be gay and more out, he has to behave a certain way. I live in San Francisco. I know like 20 gay men. They're all different, and on varying ends of the scale in terms of the old stereotype of what a gay man acts like. Maybe that's his issue.
Agree therapy is the way to go to sort this out. I don't think dating a woman will do it.
Agree therapy is the way to go to sort this out. I don't think dating a woman will do it.