I used to be abusive. It took years of therapy for me to realize 1) I repeated the cycle as I grew up ion a home with it 2) I had to work very hard to change habits and 3) as an abuser, I attracted an abuser and my XH contributed to the cycle.

Ultimately I ended up leaving, but my depression revealed my abusive behavior. It also became revealed that my behavior was in response to abuse from him.

Not saying this is the case with all circumstances, but in mine, it was a reaction to abuse, a history of abuse, and a familiarity and comfort with the patterns of abuse.

I took full responsibility, accountability and consequence for my previous mistakes; and never went back. We divorced because he wasn't willing to do his work.

Also, it was very clear that behavior was abusive as a woman, I owned it. It is much more tolerable by society however, the idea of me being abusive vs. a male.

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with a woman like this, and I left (took me a long time though).

I don't know if she changed, or just was more successful at trapping the next guy. I hope she changed, but I doubt it, because I don't think she could ever admit to herself that she was abusive.

And that's the answer to the question: abusers are often not really aware they are the villain; they often see themselves as and act out of a sense of being the victim.

I disagree...

FEMALE abusers don't think of themselves as abusers - because society tells them they can't be abusers - because men are MEN and what women could ever HURT a man - as if that is the basis of abuse.

Men however, EVERYTHING they do is abuse because they are bigger, because they are men...

So, the burden of abuse is really a sexist issue - with women not being capable of abuse.

That's some seriously tortured MRA claptrap right there. The topic of female abusers falls under the category of "duly noted." It does not merit equal time with the broader discussion about domestic abuse.

You sound like an abuser.

Anonymous wrote:Some of the PPs are strange on this. Yes, male abusers exist and are more common than female abusers. This thread has a particular subject. It is abusive wives and mothers and other females. So what. Do you go around to every other thread and post how it's not the most important social issue of the day so should be "duly noted" and everyone should move along?

I suspect there are some borderline women who can't even bear to see this subject in print.

Second sentence is a myth. In fact lesbian relationships have as much abuse as heterosexual ones.

Anonymous wrote:I was with a woman like this, and I left (took me a long time though).

I don't know if she changed, or just was more successful at trapping the next guy. I hope she changed, but I doubt it, because I don't think she could ever admit to herself that she was abusive.

And that's the answer to the question: abusers are often not really aware they are the villain; they often see themselves as and act out of a sense of being the victim.

She did a number on your head like all abusers.

Anonymous wrote:The women I know well who are emotionally and verbally abusive have not changed. They see no reason to change. It works for them. They also have NPD and/or BPD characteristics. They think they're fine. If you can never be wrong, you can never see a need to change.

I am PP at 15:58, and my ex strongly exhibited BPD characteristics, and it is exactly as the bolded above. As another PP said, most BPD women probably cannot stand to even see a thread like this - because any admission of the possibility of doing something wrong is an admission of the possibility that they might've done something to drive you away (what they fear most).

I also think the response from Mr. MRA is utter bullshit - it's not that they're taught by society that they can't be abusers. People who are like this really do suffer, IMO, from serious mental health issues, and have a terribly distorted view of reality.

I do, however, think there's a problem with the tie-in to physical abuse: the culture and society do see physical abuse very clearly as abuse; we recognize it. We do not see emotional abuse nearly as clearly - either from male or female perpetrators. This does lead to a bias in that physical violence is much more often perpetrated by men (who are generally, on average, stronger), so we perceive more men to be abusive.

FWIW, my BPD ex did also engage in physical violence a couple of times over the four year relationship - she came after me with a metal pot trying to bash my head in. I didn't really take it seriously as a sign because I never felt physically threatened. It took a female relative pointing out to me that "we are warned as women that when guys behave like this, you need to GTFO because it's a huge red flag for domestic violence" for me to realize what had happened to me, and how much of a fog I was in. The change in my physical and emotional well-being was dramatic once I fled - and make no mistake, I literally fled, on foot - and it was dramatically for the better. The slide down was gradual like the boiled frog, but the change on the way up was amazing.

Many abusers - male and female - suffer from undiagnosed personality disorders (narcissists, sociopaths, etc.). Generally speaking, those are not fixable.

I was a man in an abusive relationship. I finally left after years of believing "sticks stones can break my bones" claptrap. Emotional and verbal abuse is just as insidious as physical abuse, only the wounds are deeper and longer to heal and the perpetrators generally unpunished.

The women I know well who are emotionally and verbally abusive have not changed. They see no reason to change. It works for them. They also have NPD and/or BPD characteristics. They think they're fine. If you can never be wrong, you can never see a need to change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the PPs are strange on this. Yes, male abusers exist and are more common than female abusers. This thread has a particular subject. It is abusive wives and mothers and other females. So what. Do you go around to every other thread and post how it's not the most important social issue of the day so should be "duly noted" and everyone should move along?

I suspect there are some borderline women who can't even bear to see this subject in print.

Oh, I have no doubt that severe, violent, female-on-male abuse happens more than we know. I've simply never seen it happen, or suspected it of happening. I've observed the opposite in at least three instances among friends and acquaintances, one of whom was murdered by the entitled shitstain she tried to break up with.

Sorry about your friend. But it is literally the FIRST LINE of the OP: "If you were an emotionally and verbally abusive woman". So you should probably move along because this has zero to do with you or anything you are talking about. Reading comprehension is also your friend.

Anonymous wrote:Some of the PPs are strange on this. Yes, male abusers exist and are more common than female abusers. This thread has a particular subject. It is abusive wives and mothers and other females. So what. Do you go around to every other thread and post how it's not the most important social issue of the day so should be "duly noted" and everyone should move along?

I suspect there are some borderline women who can't even bear to see this subject in print.

Oh, I have no doubt that severe, violent, female-on-male abuse happens more than we know. I've simply never seen it happen, or suspected it of happening. I've observed the opposite in at least three instances among friends and acquaintances, one of whom was murdered by the entitled shitstain she tried to break up with.

Some of the PPs are strange on this. Yes, male abusers exist and are more common than female abusers. This thread has a particular subject. It is abusive wives and mothers and other females. So what. Do you go around to every other thread and post how it's not the most important social issue of the day so should be "duly noted" and everyone should move along?

I suspect there are some borderline women who can't even bear to see this subject in print.

PP with the Ex-fiancé here - before you ask, no, I never cut off or otherwise involved myself in his finances, engaged in jealous behavior over other women, tried to restrict his access to friends and family, engaged in sexual coercion, threatened violence....

Raised voices, belittling, name-calling, manipulative behavior - it all happened. He doesn't remember, accept, or acknowledge, however, that it happened on both sides. Toxic relationship, not abuse. How do I know all this, if we went No-contact? Long story, but I trust the sources.

I am certain that my former fiancé thinks that he is the victim of verbal and emotional abuse from me. While I don't deny that I did not treat him well, the dynamic was not "female abuser on male victim". I accept that is his truth, and after he broke up with me because of the abuse he experienced, I didn't engage in any of the common post-breakup abuser tactics. I steered completely clear of him. I did not contact him or his associates, I didn't try to keep tabs on him via social media or mutual acquaintances. There was no attempt at contact whatsoever. I used to see him on Metro and other public areas about once a month. Never attempted to interact. I'm sharing these details because I think true abusers operate very differently.

So yes, I accept that this person believes I abused him. I believe that we were in a dysfunctional, toxic relationship.

I've been in a happy, healthy relationship with someone else for three years. None of the behaviors I engaged in with Ex, or similar situations Ex and I experienced, have repeated themselves.