I would send flowers and try to talk to brother before showing up. You need to get his permission to attend if you think it could upset him for you to be there.

Would you want your brother to care enough to come to your husband's funeral?

We have some estrangement in our extended family and have had some tragic deaths. People always show up for the funeral. There doesn't have to be much more than a handshake or hug and an "I'm sorry for your loss". Then just take your cues from there.

Since you know this is coming, reaching out beforehand would be a nice gesture. Even an email saying " I heard about Larla and my thoughts are with you both right now".

Def go. What if it was your husband? Wouldn't you appreciate your brother there? Also send flowers now as well so that she can see them.

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you reach out when she was sick?

I agree. Why aren't you calling/texting your brother? You don't need a death bed visit, but you can tell your brother you heard the news and are praying for his family. And yes, GO to the funeral.

Why didn't you reach out when she was sick?

Anonymous wrote:If you are estranged, STAY AWAY. You have had nothing to do with them for years and fake sympathy is worse than no sympathy.

That's some fucked up, immature, high school logic.

If you think that her brother in his time of absolute grief is going to take the time out to contemplate whether his sister showing up for him at this time is genuine or "fake", you've obviously never lost someone so close to you that it completely rocks you to your core & everything in life is reevaluated with new meaning. .

All of that petty "fake" BS goes completely out the window & you really start to value the important things, like who was there in my time of need, my time of sorrow, my time of grief.

Go OP, don't listen to this ridiculous high school mentality, this is THE worst advice I've seen yet.
Your brother will appreciate you making the effort & in the end, it may start you on the path to healing.

It depends why you are estranged. If it's because brother hurt you then suck it up, put that behind you and go. If the estrangement is because you hurt your brother then don't t add to his pain by going if he doesn't want there...in that case you should first call him, tell him that you want to attend but don't want to upset him further and ask if it's okay with him for you to attend.

In any case, it's even better if you show support while she's still alive. Go visit, spend time with her and him, help with their kids, help with laundry, whatever they need. That is worth far more than crying at her funeral imo.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is a bitch so no I wouldn't go, but if yours in any insane like mine of course you go.

mine is a bitch, too but I would still go--for my husband and this's family members I care about and who are grieving. It isn't about me.

There is never anything bad that comes out going to a funeral to say I am sorry for your loss. And yes it is better to do it in person that with a card.

Go, of course.

If you are estranged, STAY AWAY. You have had nothing to do with them for years and fake sympathy is worse than no sympathy.

Always, always, always go to the funeral. There is no other answer. I just went through something far less tragic than what your brother is dealing with OP, and it absolutely changes my view of people to see whether they make any effort to acknowledge a loss.

Do not go. A card is sufficient, maybe flowers. If you could not be there in life, why would being there in death be seen as genuine. I say this as someone with experience.

Unless, they did something terrible to you or your family, you should go. (And it would have to be something really unforgivable- I'm having a hard time coming up with an example of something that would be horrible enough to warrant not going, obviously standard family squabbles don't count.)

Families drift apart sometimes, but when tragedy strikes you show up. Go.