Anonymous wrote:OP, here. I knew that someone like 7:33 would be offended/annoyed by my message, and I hesitated in posting it. I was just looking for anyone in a similar circumstance to share their insights. I never really implied I have it harder than anyone else, just trying to be honest about my feelings and sharing. Sorry if you thought I was implying anything else. My husband who comes from a completely different background and does not care about academics, etc, came to terms with things much easier than I have - but he has a very laid-back personality and is in a career where he works alone and doesn't have a lot of people talking about their kids, etc. I know I'm lucky in many ways and have a lot to be thankful for, it's just that every once in a while, I long for what I can't have. Thank you to all the others and even 7:33 to remind me to focus on what I do have.

NP here. We are also super-high achieving parents but I can understand what 7:33 is trying to say to you. It isn't that she or I don't think your pain and disappointment is real. It's just a matter of perspective. Our younger DC is low-functioning ASD and has severe ADHD as well. It's a struggle and he will never be like us or like his older sister who is a middle-school star. He's the light of our lives, no lie, as he is. We DO recognize that our privileges give us enormous latitude and resources to help DS achieve his potential. I don't know if you have other children who are neuro-typical but as another PP said, even they may not be what you pictured. It's obviously not such a requirement for you for your spouse, so why for your kids? You absolutely should mourn and go through your feelings but do remember that you are on the fortunate end.

As an anecdote, we just went through the Katie Beckett process and it was grueling but we could pay a navigator plus I have a personal assistant who shepherded the process with me too. That is an incredible leg up compared to families in hourly wage jobs, housing insecurity or other challenges who have to go through the process. They may feel resentful like you or not so like us, I don't know and don't care to speculate more. Until now, we've been able to pay for care, therapies that aren't covered by insurance and a myriad of other things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might get flamed for this, but the only thing that made me less resentful and more able to enjoy my life as a parent is having another kid, who turned out to be healthy and normal. I LOVE both my children, and somehow because there are now two of them, and they are so different, and one of them is blessedly predictable and meets milestones like clockwork, it makes me feel less resentful towards the one with special needs. I can enjoy his quirks and peculiar way of seeing the world, I can laugh with him. I love to see how they have bonded together, how the little one keeps an eye out for him (sometimes).

I don't know if that's possible for you, OP, and if that's risky in terms of genetics. But as long as we're sharing, that's my story.

Since we're being honest here, I find my SN child more interesting. When it's just the two of us and we in our own normal, it's lovely. He sees the world differently and shares his insights. He's a cool kid. NT DC is great and all, but the magic I find in my special one is something I never would have anticipated. Once I embraced the difference and met DC on the terms required, I opened myself up to a very different kind of relationship. Just something to consider.

+1

I sympathize to a certain extent, OP. But there's nothing inherently harder about being super high achieving and being an SN parent. In fact, it makes it easier to look for the best experts, to understand the literature, to find and understand data, to hire advocates and lawyers so that your child gets the best education (or afford private school), to understand and join clinical trials, to be active in medical conferences and look out for new technologies.

I don't think you mean to sound elitist, but I think that there's some privilege talking here. I mean that in a kind way, but I think you have to consider that there are people of extremely limited education and means struggling with severely disabled children and the notion that being super high achieving is a special burden is kind of, well, a bit squirrelly to my ears. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my aunt and uncle called to express their outrage that my cousin had not been accepted to an Ivy League school (instead a school like Amhert). Surely, said Aunt and Uncle, they could understand and empathize with their "special level of outrage" since all were Ivy-educated, and cousin was entitled to a spot.

Privileged people and high-achieving people are not entitled to a constant level of happiness, anymore than any other segment of the population. Perhaps even less so. I just have a hard time with your post on a philosophical level. Although I have tremendous personal empathy for you, and am not condemning you in any way.

Anonymous wrote:Have you read "expecting Adam"? Written by a Harvard educated mom abt her son with downs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might get flamed for this, but the only thing that made me less resentful and more able to enjoy my life as a parent is having another kid, who turned out to be healthy and normal. I LOVE both my children, and somehow because there are now two of them, and they are so different, and one of them is blessedly predictable and meets milestones like clockwork, it makes me feel less resentful towards the one with special needs. I can enjoy his quirks and peculiar way of seeing the world, I can laugh with him. I love to see how they have bonded together, how the little one keeps an eye out for him (sometimes).

I don't know if that's possible for you, OP, and if that's risky in terms of genetics. But as long as we're sharing, that's my story.

Since we're being honest here, I find my SN child more interesting. When it's just the two of us and we in our own normal, it's lovely. He sees the world differently and shares his insights. He's a cool kid. NT DC is great and all, but the magic I find in my special one is something I never would have anticipated. Once I embraced the difference and met DC on the terms required, I opened myself up to a very different kind of relationship. Just something to consider.