Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:prozac.

Saved my life.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about, just a slight chemical imbalance.

Like night and day.

Seriously. It will be hard to tell your DW OP that she needs this but honestly it will make her feel so much better. The constant state of annoyance that she exists in will be softened. Your description of your DW sounds a lot like how I used to be, I always had a "reason" to justify my behavior. Not only did this behavior negatively effect my relationship with DH but my poor children. The tipping point was looking over at my child midrange and seeing her covering her ears. It broke my heart but yet I couldn't stop myself, I was out of control. I went to the doctor (two actually because I thought the first was nuts) and said I lived in a constant state of annoyance, that the general existence of my family would at times push me over the edge. Both docs suggested Prozac and one finally gave me a sample and said just try it, no commitment. I hate to admit that it took a small pill to help solve my problems but it did. Thankfully I haven't suffered from many of the side effects and life is much more harmonious. Show her this post, tell her you love her and want her to be happy and ask her to try just to see if it helps in any way. Good luck and speaking from experience I swear she is not doing it intentionally, it's as though rage, anger and annoyance are easier to come by than laughter, happiness and joy.

Anonymous wrote:op here. Alcohol is not involved, and I would be really surprised if drugs were involved. As I said, she has always been prone to irritability and a bad temper. It reared its head less often before 2 kids, and even less often before 1 kid. But it was there. It is true that breaking things is new. i just think that the stresses of balancing career and family have made her irritable most of the time. She has a long commute (90 minutes each way.) I do most of the shopping, cooking, laundry, and daily tidying up after everyone. Cleaning people come for the big stuff. Our younger one is going through a stage of being very clingy with her and wanting to nurse a lot. I fear that our different approaches to life--her being easily frustrated and me being even-tempered--is going to be very hard to manage, even if she manages to curb the outbursts. It really comes to the surface with kids.

She needs to see a doctor for post partum issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT BELIEVE THE HYPOCRISY ON DCUM. Stress? Caffeine? ADHD meds? If this was a DW complaining about a DH you all would be squawking about emotional abuse and divorce. Unbelievable.

+1

Yup. Not just hypocrisy; outright misandry. The women who are excusing this abuse (IOKIYAW) are the ones who don't understand why they have such poor marriages.

I got the impression that OP is also a wife, not a husband.

I would sit her down when you are both calm-preferably get a sitter and go out and talk. Tell her this is really serious. She's not acting like the person you married, and you are worried about her anger for her, for you, and for the kids. Insist that in the next two weeks she sees her primary care doctor and an individual therapist, and tell her you will schedule an appointment for a couples therapist. If she's willing to acknowledge that there is a problem, I suspect the solutions will come from her working on herself (working with a therapist on emotional regulation and maybe starting medication), and the two of you finding ways to reduce the overall work and stress in her life. It doesn't sound like reducing her work hours would necessarily help or be good for the kids, but could you work fewer hours, could you get more paid support for household tasks or childcare?

If my spouse told me I was ruining their life, I'd walk straight to the computer, print off divorce papers, and tell them they could have their freedom back right then and there.

See a lawyer and start documenting everything. You'll want to get custody of your kids so they don't have to spend too much time with her. Then I would offer your wife the option of either getting counseling or getting divorced.

My mom was similar to her and it really messed all her kids up. My 2 siblings now have rage problems because they learned that's how you deal with life. I have my own issues front it as well, like I was always attracted to emotionally abusive men.

She hates you and finds you useless and annoying. She is no longer attracted to you or has respect for you, and it makes her hate her life. Sorry, OP.

OP, please see to it that either your DW agrees to seek help or you see a lawyer. Your DW sounds exactly like my mom, a woman I now have no relationship with and who, frankly, I despise. Her "bad temper" destroyed my childhood and only got worse as I went into my teenage years, when I really needed my mom. Your DW won't just get better on her own, and for the sake and safety of your children, you need to step up and say / do something NOW.

It sounds like a power struggle....where she feels she must have some sort if control in her life, in her role, to feel adequate.

How old are your kids?

It sounds like you have 2 under 2 is that correct?

This sounds like PPD.

Your wife needs help.

op here. Alcohol is not involved, and I would be really surprised if drugs were involved. As I said, she has always been prone to irritability and a bad temper. It reared its head less often before 2 kids, and even less often before 1 kid. But it was there. It is true that breaking things is new. i just think that the stresses of balancing career and family have made her irritable most of the time. She has a long commute (90 minutes each way.) I do most of the shopping, cooking, laundry, and daily tidying up after everyone. Cleaning people come for the big stuff. Our younger one is going through a stage of being very clingy with her and wanting to nurse a lot. I fear that our different approaches to life--her being easily frustrated and me being even-tempered--is going to be very hard to manage, even if she manages to curb the outbursts. It really comes to the surface with kids.

It sounds like she is stressed and potentially depressed.

Does she work? Is something going on at her job with too much pressure? If she doesn't work is she frustrated about that? Being fully responsible for other people all the time is very exhausting.

I wasn't going to say it, but was surprised when others mentioned it, but my first thought was Adderall. Makes people super irritable and impatient.

It sounds kind of like you want her to be laid-back about things that you have no idea how much goes into it. You were late picking up things for Valentine's Day, that's nice. Maybe in her mind she assumed you were getting home at the usual time and the kids dinner, bath/bedtime, changing load of laundry, timed cookies in the oven for the kids to bring to bake sale, were all based around that. No it's easier to chill and relax instead of worrying about those things, but someone's gotta do it. Toddlers making a mess all over themselves and constantly cleaning it up 20 times a day is frustrating.

My dh was like this for many years and still can slide back into it at times. We got very close to separating in my mind and I think he felt it too. At that low, I felt detached and didn't care any more what happened to our marriage. I missed fun and humor. Somehow he got that message and has been better since. He had done therapy over the years and it helped a little, but really it was ultimately a choice he made to be willing to lighten up. I do believe he has undiagnosed ADHD and would benefit from meds. He's terrible at coping when things don't go according to how they should in his head. My son not eating (or doing anything g perfectly--he's just 6) is a huge trigger. I honestly believe my dh suffered from a form of ptsd after kids (complications and medical issues early on). He was just a miserable person. Somehow he pulled himself out of it for now...

My guess is your dw needs to know that you do have a bottom line and she's about to hit it. She is taking you for granted and needs to be willing to make some changes. It is hurting your kid. Chronic stress hurts everyone.

How old are your kids? This sounds similar to the way my PPD presented. I was able to keep it together in front of my family almost all of the time and would rage alone in my room. It was a dark and miserable time. Your wife has a responsibility to you and your children to seek whatever treatment she needs. I know you are in a difficult position, but as you know her better than most anyone, I would find a way to suggest/insist she seek professional help immediately. Please try to avoid comparing the differences in your parenting styles and as much as you can, approach from a point of love and concern for her wellbeing.

Anonymous wrote:prozac.

Saved my life.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about, just a slight chemical imbalance.

Like night and day.

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT BELIEVE THE HYPOCRISY ON DCUM. Stress? Caffeine? ADHD meds? If this was a DW complaining about a DH you all would be squawking about emotional abuse and divorce. Unbelievable.

Don't forget the overwhelmed suggestion.

OP, you know this is unacceptable, right? Tell her to get some help. Consider your options if she refuses.