OP here and thanks for your replies! This was really helpful.

As to why I don't do simple tasks- 95% of the time I do. If it's something I can't do, I let him know and he has no problem with that. With the cup, he asked me to wash one of his cups while I was in the middle of washing a sink full of dishes. I said yes, he left the cup on the other side of the kitchen out of my sight, I finished up all the other dishes and forgot to wash it. No big deal, I was happy to wash it later that night after he asked me why I forgot. But long after the cup was washed he kept asking me over and over- "what was going through your head? Did you really forget? Were you just not thinking? Did you purposely not wash it? It was right there in the kitchen, how could you not see it? Do you always have a hard time remembering to do things?" He's not even mad, it's just that for hours or days afterwards he keeps asking me why and just seems baffled that I would forget to wash his cup. And he forgets to do things just as often as I do, but I don't care and don't make a big deal out of it.

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide to stay together "for the kids," remember that he will eventually begin to treat them this way as well.

Growing up that way turns that constant criticism into your mental sound track and your kids will internalize and criticize themselves even in his absence.

My mom did this my whole life and it seriously affected me. I find it difficult to pursue ideas/goals for fear of getting it wrong or making mistakes or I see all the potential problems. I chose relationships with men that mimicked this critical voice and both my major relationships turned abusive, one physical and one emotional.

It's crippling to live in and grow up in this environment.

I would start to give more "real" answers:

Why didn't I wash the cup?:

because I don't think neatness is as important as you do.
because I view us as partners and I believe you're as capable of washing a cup as I am.
because I was more focused on connecting interpersonally with our children than presenting a perfect home

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

If it's a simple task why can't he do it himself?

If it's her cup, she should wash it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

Nope, terrible advice. When OP says her DH "expects absolute perfection," you think that's totally cool and OP just isn't trying hard enough?

What I think is that OP is exaggerating because she does not want to fulfill simple, reasonable requests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

Nope, terrible advice. When OP says her DH "expects absolute perfection," you think that's totally cool and OP just isn't trying hard enough?

Yes, I do.

You sound like a terrible partner. I'm sure you are perfect though and it's only other people who aren't good enough and should just work harder to avoid constant criticism and put-downs from their partners.

OP I echo previous posters. You need to start calling him out in the moment every single time. And have a threshold where if he meets if you're going to walk out for the day. Doesn't have to be mean just firmly acknowledge it in the moment so he has to become aware that he did it.

I bet he doesn't realize it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

If it's a simple task why can't he do it himself?

Why can't the women that fill this board with constant complaints just do it themselves?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

Nope, terrible advice. When OP says her DH "expects absolute perfection," you think that's totally cool and OP just isn't trying hard enough?

Yes, I do.

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. I am the wife; yes, I have slightly anxious tendencies but what lawyer doesn't? I say just up your game, and otherwise let it roll off your back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

If it's a simple task why can't he do it himself?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

Nope, terrible advice. When OP says her DH "expects absolute perfection," you think that's totally cool and OP just isn't trying hard enough?

Anonymous wrote:If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it.

This. A million times over

OP - I used to have (and it crops up sometimes) THE EXACT SAME PROBLEM with my husband.

Here is what worked for me:

I told him that I can't live with someone who kills my by 1000 paper cuts every day. I told him that I can accept 7 minor criticisms a day and no more.

Then, I started counting them out loud. When he reached 7 I would stop whatever I was doing and I would leave the house to go do something enjoyable for myself.

This was the only thing that worked. After 2 instances of this he really made an effort to get better.

Prior to that I complained about it and objected about it many many times to no avail. I honestly don't think he realized just how much he was needling me with petty crap that is just better left unsaid. Prior pp's are correct in that it was mostly anxiety driven. None of the things he said to me were demeaning in any way, just annoying as f*ck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide to stay together "for the kids," remember that he will eventually begin to treat them this way as well.

Growing up that way turns that constant criticism into your mental sound track and your kids will internalize and criticize themselves even in his absence.

+1

And they will believe this is an appropriate way to interact with everyone in their lives, from their spouses to their coworkers to their teachers. Imagine how their relationships will play out.

There is nothing that can be done about this by divorce. If she divorces him, he is still there father, and presumably he'll have half custody and do this to them on his own time. So, that parts simply a done deal.

I think I'd start counting them. I might even make a chart of the number of his positive comments vs negative ones. Then show it to him and ask him if he thinks that will lead to a happy marriage. Maybe seeing it in black and white could be a wake up call.