Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually- given that she was asked in advance if her child was available that day- I don't think she can decline.

I'm unclear if it is an activity that you don't think your son will do well at, or if he told you he doesn't want to go.
I would suggest sending an email along the following lines to the other Mom.

Hi Larla-
I know I told you that Precious could come to Larlo's party on the 20th. I see that you are planning to take the boys caving. Precious is terrified of dark enclosed spaces, and struggles with claustrophobia. Would you like me to bring Precious for the non-caving part of it? Or would you prefer he not come? We are okay either way. I'm glad Larlo and Precious are friends, thanks for inviting him.

Without knowing what the activity is, OP, I think this is the best advice you are going to get.

I think this is good advice. If it's a lego party, and he just doesn't like legos, it's his call. If it's something that he can't do or is scared of doing (swimming, rock wall climbing and a huge fear of heights) I think it's totally legitimate to let the other mom know. Then again, I'm a big fan of parents keeping open lines of communication with each other.

Depends on the activity. If it's an activity that is a phobia that's one thing if it's just not a favorite activity then I'd encourage to attend

OP, I would just be honest with the parent. I always ask my child as usually we have a conflict with activities. I would say Larlo would love to come but I'm concerned about how he will be at the party as he doesn't have an interest in XXX (or we tried it and it wasn't a good fit). Would it be ok if he come just for cake or can he come and bring a book if he is not interested in the activity (assuming its something he can sit out for)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually- given that she was asked in advance if her child was available that day- I don't think she can decline.

I'm unclear if it is an activity that you don't think your son will do well at, or if he told you he doesn't want to go.
I would suggest sending an email along the following lines to the other Mom.

Hi Larla-
I know I told you that Precious could come to Larlo's party on the 20th. I see that you are planning to take the boys caving. Precious is terrified of dark enclosed spaces, and struggles with claustrophobia. Would you like me to bring Precious for the non-caving part of it? Or would you prefer he not come? We are okay either way. I'm glad Larlo and Precious are friends, thanks for inviting him.

Without knowing what the activity is, OP, I think this is the best advice you are going to get.

+1. We did this with a soccer party invite years ago.

DS was not into soccer at all. (liked to get the ball and run around playing keep-away instead which happened twice in pre-school age classes, so we pulled him and never looked back on soccer).
Anyhow, DS liked the kid, so I wrote parent and asked if we could join in for cake, singing, etc. part only. That worked out fine.

This is annoying. The parent who is planning the party is busy enough without having to deal with this request, plan for Precious to do a late drop-in, etc.

Just decline. No need to send a gift, make up an excuse, ditch at the last minute, or otherwise over-think it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually- given that she was asked in advance if her child was available that day- I don't think she can decline.

I'm unclear if it is an activity that you don't think your son will do well at, or if he told you he doesn't want to go.
I would suggest sending an email along the following lines to the other Mom.

Hi Larla-
I know I told you that Precious could come to Larlo's party on the 20th. I see that you are planning to take the boys caving. Precious is terrified of dark enclosed spaces, and struggles with claustrophobia. Would you like me to bring Precious for the non-caving part of it? Or would you prefer he not come? We are okay either way. I'm glad Larlo and Precious are friends, thanks for inviting him.

Without knowing what the activity is, OP, I think this is the best advice you are going to get.

+1. We did this with a soccer party invite years ago.

DS was not into soccer at all. (liked to get the ball and run around playing keep-away instead which happened twice in pre-school age classes, so we pulled him and never looked back on soccer).
Anyhow, DS liked the kid, so I wrote parent and asked if we could join in for cake, singing, etc. part only. That worked out fine.

In the past, I have done parties where I confirmed availability prior to sending out the invite.

I would be frustrated if I asked if your child was available, you said yes - and then declined the birthday invitation.

This is not a party where there are 20 kids - there are a handful of kids.

Anonymous wrote:Actually- given that she was asked in advance if her child was available that day- I don't think she can decline.

I'm unclear if it is an activity that you don't think your son will do well at, or if he told you he doesn't want to go.
I would suggest sending an email along the following lines to the other Mom.

Hi Larla-
I know I told you that Precious could come to Larlo's party on the 20th. I see that you are planning to take the boys caving. Precious is terrified of dark enclosed spaces, and struggles with claustrophobia. Would you like me to bring Precious for the non-caving part of it? Or would you prefer he not come? We are okay either way. I'm glad Larlo and Precious are friends, thanks for inviting him.

Without knowing what the activity is, OP, I think this is the best advice you are going to get.

Actually- given that she was asked in advance if her child was available that day- I don't think she can decline.

I'm unclear if it is an activity that you don't think your son will do well at, or if he told you he doesn't want to go.
I would suggest sending an email along the following lines to the other Mom.

Hi Larla-
I know I told you that Precious could come to Larlo's party on the 20th. I see that you are planning to take the boys caving. Precious is terrified of dark enclosed spaces, and struggles with claustrophobia. Would you like me to bring Precious for the non-caving part of it? Or would you prefer he not come? We are okay either way. I'm glad Larlo and Precious are friends, thanks for inviting him.

One exception would be if the "activity" is sitting through a live theater performance and you know your kid can't sit through it appropriately or something similar, where the kid cannot politely do something else or sit and watch the others or learn as he goes. Then I would just be honest with the mom about your concern.

Anonymous wrote:It is okay to decline, but your child might end up surprising you and enjoying it. My son was invited to a tai kwon do birthday party, which is not something we thought he would enjoy. He had fun the day of, even if it is not really his thing. Unless it is something your child has not enjoyed previously I would try to give them the experience.

+1 And if you don't want to go this route, please do decline, whether or not you tell the mom the truth. Ridiculous (and rude!) advice to accept and pretend he's sick the day of. I personally would encourage DS to give it a try and do his best to make the day special for his friend. If I really, truly felt it would be a bust, I would tell the mom that.

I think it's pretty rude not to go to your friend's birthday party just because you don't enjoy the chosen activity. You're essentially just teaching him that it's all about him and what he wants to do--not about his friend and his birthday. Please, he can't go and learn how to be gracious? He's not 3.

And we all wonder where the entitled spoiled "me, me, me" children come from.

I wish I were more surprised at all the responses saying not to go.


To the PP with the skating party--he can work on his skating at the party. Good god.

It is okay to decline, but your child might end up surprising you and enjoying it. My son was invited to a tai kwon do birthday party, which is not something we thought he would enjoy. He had fun the day of, even if it is not really his thing. Unless it is something your child has not enjoyed previously I would try to give them the experience.

As a parent who is currently collecting RSVPs for an upcoming birthday party, I say that it's fine to decline. I would rather a child decline than spend money for them to be miserable. Neither my son nor I would take it personally. And I don't expect an explanation when someone declines, although it is appreciated when it is a close friend. Since you let the mom know your son was available, you probably can't easily just say no. If you can think of a nice way to phrase it, be honest. My older son hated pools and when he was invited to pool parties, I declined. If we weren't close, I just replied, "sorry to miss it." With good friends, I was honest. If you feel you can't be honest because it would seem rude or embarrass your son, I think it's ok to tell a white lie. Please don't do what a PP suggested and reply "yes" if you know you will not be attending. The host will be out the money. Also, by giving notice, the host may be able to invite another child who they didn't initially have space for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go. I presume there will be plenty of kids there that will enjoy the activity. Maybe do a "birthday playdate" with the boy at another time, and give him a gift then.

3 other children were invited. The mom sent me an email to confirm that my child would be available on X date as she wanted to schedule Larlo's party. I know the boys are friends and I know my son wants to attend his friend Larlos party. I'm just really concerned about the planned activity. It is an activity that will cost the parents money. I know the mom from school but we are not friends.

I am wondering what this activity is. I cannot imagine anything that is so boring that your son cannot do it for a couple of hours (typically only one hour really).

I am sympathetic if it is something your son just don't do yet. For example, the ice skating party if he does not skate. That would be boring indeed. I would not go to a skating party myself. But I made my son learn so that he does not have to be in the same position as I am.

For my son it would be one of those lego party activities, he plays with them but wasn't interested in organized building. I would still strongly encourage him to go & try to enjoy being able to spend time with his friends. I think your child is old enough to go & know that he has to act like he is enjoying it for his friend. That is how kids develop social skills.

To the poster that said as an adult you don't go to activities you don't enjoy, please adults do things all the time they would rather not.